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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to have ds christened when dh does?

38 replies

mikimoo · 05/03/2011 14:34

Dh really wants to get ds christened but I really really don't. I am an atheist and dh doesn't believe in god either, however his parents are firm christians and I think he wants to be the dutiful son and do it to please them. We got married in their local family church for the same reasons- I felt an absolute hypocrite doing it but I felt it was more important to please family (including my own). For the record, I have nothing against my in-laws, they are lovely people and love them to bits, and to their credit they haven't even asked us what our plans our about christening him (ds is 18 months now so they've been patient!) but I feel very strongly that I don't want to impose a religion on my son. If he chooses a religion (any religion) later in life, then at least it's his choice.

I don't really follow dh's logic about why he needs to be christened - he cites that if he is asked to be godfather or a man of the church (!) later in life, he wouldn't be able to, and that without some sort of religious identity, he might feel his life is lacking something - all of which I don't agree with.

The prospective 'god' parents we've chosen would still be the kind of positive presence in our son's life we would want them to be, regardless of whether they carry the label 'godparent' or not. In fact, my best friend is an atheist too and she feels rather uncomfortable about standing up in church doing the whole godparent thing.

I would much prefer a humanist naming ceremony instead.

What do I do if dh insists on having ds christened? Refusing to go isn't an option, but then standing up in church agreeing to bring ds up in a godly way also sucks! I've been a hypocrite in a church once before which is bad enough, but it only involved me so now when it involves my child, I worry that I'm passing those hypocritical values onto ds. Or am I just overthinking this all and should just do what pleases the most people?

OP posts:
reallytired · 05/03/2011 14:42

Could you not have a service of dedication or thanks giving for your son instead of full infant baptism. In your circumstance I think a service of thanks giving for a birth of a child is more appriopiate than infant baptisim.

You can tell your in laws that you are thanking God for the birth of your son, but you feel that baptism is an adult thing. (Plenty of christians have that view.)

If they are proper Christians they will respect you for not making promises that you have no intention of keeping.

Malificence · 05/03/2011 14:45

YANBU - if he gives in to their wishes he is a coward.
We stood firm and didn't have DD christened when my loon of a MIL said that DD would die a horrible death if she was not christened, I'm not christened either and that horrified her.

His loyalty is to you and his son, not his parents.

AMumInScotland · 05/03/2011 14:48

I certainly don't think your DHs reasons for having him christened make any sense - if your DS "gets" religion later on, he can be baptised at any age, so there's nothing to stop him from deciding to do it if he wants to be a Christian. And "religious identity" doesn't come from a single ceremony, but from actually being raised to believe in it, which it doesn't sound like your DH has any plans to do. Christening means standing there in church saying that you plan to raise your child within the Christian faith.

If your DH is determined, then you don't actually have to say any of the "promises" in the service yourself - if you explain to the minister that this is your DHs wishes and you don't believe in God then you can join in as much or as little as you want, to avoid hypocrisy.

One other thought - have you considered getting his parents on your side? They may actually respect your point of view, and prefer you to leave your child to make his own mind up later, rather than have things said in church which are not really true.

Original poster
mikimoo · 05/03/2011 15:05

Thanks for your very sensible responses. You all make really good points.

Thinking about it, dh is so laid back and rubbish at organising anything that it will probably never really become an issue - for him to actually get ds christened, he would have to do all the organising as I certainly wouldn't be prepared to!

I'll let you know of any progress!

OP posts:
pjmama · 05/03/2011 15:14

I had mine christened despite being atheist myself. DH family are Christian and some are in ministry so it really meant alot to them. I figured it was no skin off DCs nose since they'll make their own decisions when old enough regardless of what ceremonies we held when they were babies. And as regards feeling hypocritical, I found that I can rationalise my more athiest views with their Christian ones by taking them more metaphorically than literally.

PepsiPopcorn · 05/03/2011 15:21

Children who have been baptised as infants do get to make their own decision when they're older. This is when they get confirmed, usually after a number of classes/sessions. Confirmation is a separate ceremony.

I agree with you though about not wishing to make promises you don't believe you can keep, such as bringing up the child in the Christian faith. I like reallytired's suggestion of a dedication.

hidenseek · 05/03/2011 15:33

A friend of mine is in a bit of a debate with her OH WRT getting their DD Christened, but they have more or less settled on getting her Christened but then letting her choose how active she is in the Church as she grows up, rather than having her attend Sunday school and the like. Could that be a compromise that would fit you?

Having a child Christened means very little to those who are not religious, but can mean everything to those who are. I do not believe that a Christening is forcing a religion upon a child, it's making a choice, it's not necessary to have a hardline militant attitude about it (not saying that you are OP, btw).

FWIW, in these circumstances, I would probably go ahead and (passively) support the Christening. You don't have to be actively involved, but you could cause bad feeling if you refuse on behalf of your child when it is important to his family members.

BluddyMoFo · 05/03/2011 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

reallytired · 05/03/2011 15:44

Your dh is being baptised as an adult. Surely if infant baptism was important to your ILs then your husband would have been baptised as a baby.

Surely the logical thing is to allow your child to decide as an adult and have a service of thanksgiving.

If your inlaws say anything just tell them you are following in THEIR footsteps of allowing your child to choose as an adult.

reallytired · 05/03/2011 15:45

sorry I just misread your first post. I need more coffee!

diddl · 05/03/2011 15:47

Perhaps because you married in church your husband thinks that you´re not as against religion as you say?

Trifle · 05/03/2011 15:48

I would suggest your dp goes to church every sunday (obviously taking a lively boisterous ds with him) to show that he is fully committed and not a complete hipocrite. After he has endured this for a year then I would say, go ahead, get him baptised. Chances are he would rather have his nipples pierced than go to church every week so you'll be in the clear.

nickelprincess · 05/03/2011 15:50

If neither of you believes in God, then don't get your son christened.

If it's important to the family, then tough - it's not their baby.
You don't do what they tell you to on any other major decisions, do you?
then don't on this one. It's more than just " what if he gets asked to be a godparent later in life?" - if he does, then he can make the decision for himself when he's old enough to choose what he believes.

nickelprincess · 05/03/2011 15:51

"What do I do if dh insists on having ds christened? "

you refuse - your DH can't christen your child without your say-so.

fifi25 · 05/03/2011 15:51

Non of my daughters are christened. I dont go to church and think its a bit hypocritical. They can get christened if they choose to when they are older.

hidenseek · 05/03/2011 15:55

So OP gets more of a say in this than her DH, nickelprincess? That's what doesn't sit right with me. I'm not saying that the OP actually feels like this, but she has no more right to block DH from getting DS Christened, than he has of doing it without her consent.

It's a tough situation.

nickelprincess · 05/03/2011 16:00

no, that's not what I'm saying - I'm saying that they both have equal say, and if OP doesn't want to do it, then her DH can't just go ahead and do it without her.

nickelprincess · 05/03/2011 16:02

besides which, as a christian, I don't think it's right to christen a child into something you don't believe in yourself.
you are charged with bringing up that child within the church, and if you don't believe in the church and what it stands for, then it's just wrong to promise you'll do it when you know full well you won't.
:(

EveryonesJealousOfGingers · 05/03/2011 16:14

Hi OP, I haven't read all the posts (sorry) but wanted to quickly respond. Neither DH nor I is religious but my folks are - I knew that my Mum and Stepdad would love us to have DD christened and we seriously considered it but were not comfortable about having to make statements regarding God etc ourselves.

So I asked my Mum whether there was any alternative which would be a compromise. What we did in the end was a Thanksgiving for the Life of a Child - DM and DSD did the "we accept this child as a gift from god" bit and we just stood there really! But it was lovely and DM did a little party/bbq for DD afterwards, and it meant a lot to them both.

As far as I'm concerned, it makes no odds either way as long as I didn't have to say anything insincere, and DD will make her mind up when she's old enough.

HTH

CPtart · 05/03/2011 16:55

Bear in mind it is a criteria for getting into particular schools............

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 16:58

Did you not discuss this before getting pregnant?

Flisspaps · 05/03/2011 17:02

Two of DDs Godparents weren't Christened, so your DH is incorrect about that.

I do not believe in God so stayed silent through all the promises etc. I didn't want DD Christened but DH did, so I told him that he had to make all the arrangements and I would effectively just turn up on the day. And arrange it he did, which wasn't straightforward as it was in another parish.

Rabat · 05/03/2011 17:25

I would say - let him get on with it then.

My children are not christened. I am an atheist and so is DH (trys to hide it, as his parents are very religious. I am quite open about it to them though and there have been no problems). SIL has had her children christened (she is a Christian - not a regular churchgoer thaough) and BIL (her DH and an atheist) came to the church but refused to stand up the front and take part in the actual Christening bit (no fuss was made - planned before!). I was there and didn't even notice that! I think that was a sensible approach, afterall it is pretty meaningless and I would rather exercise my parenting 'rights' over something more important.

I am christened and attended Sunday school and I have always been an atheist.

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 17:32

ILs wishes should not come into it at all IMO

people should not make vows they have no belief in/intention to keep - as parent or god parent

children should be free to choose - DH and I are both kids of clergy and still were both allowed to wait till we were old enough to decide to be baptised and remember it for ourselves, make promises ourselves

we have done the same for our kids - we just had lovely thanksgiving services for them

pranma · 05/03/2011 17:37

Personal experience coming up-we were the other way round-I wanted to and dh didnt.We decided that ultimately baptism does no harm so by agreeing my dh wasnt hurting anyone-not even himself.We asked the vicar to say 'This child is brought by the mother,with the consent of the father...'This meant everyone understood the situation.The godparents were all practising Christians.We did this with both dc.Eventually ds had his dd christened but dd hasnt had it for either of her boys as neither she nor her dh wanted to.