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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to go out with the TWATS he works with!

48 replies

superv1xen · 05/03/2011 11:17

He works with a load of men in a builders merchants. I can't stand them because they are all very sexist and have a terrible attitude towards women. Its disgusting some of the stuff DH says they talk about, its so disrespectful. They all sound like something from the 1950's or 60's.

Anyway they are trying to get DH to go out with them next friday night in the town where he works which is 30 miles from where we live. and they want him to stay out all night and kip on one of their sofa's. and there is strictly no wives/girlfriends invited (as it always is when they have work nights out, probably so they can slag off their wives and ogle slappers).

Another thing I hate is that they are always winding DH up about being "under the thumb" as he hardly ever goes out with them, they expect him to stop out all night when they know he's got a wife and young family at home, wtf, it just would not occur to them that its just not ok to leave your wife at home with the kids and go out and get pissed up all night. That isn't being 'under the thumb' ffs, its called giving two shits about your wife! I wouldn't mind but we hardly get to ever go out as a couple as we can't afford it!! I said I was ok with him going out but maybe I could come and pick him up when he is ready to come home to which he replied that they would take the piss at his wife picking him up

And he is not under the thumb (hate the phrase anyway), he has other friends (not through work) who he goes out with every so often who i have no problem with him being out with! and i sometimes go out with just my friends anyway, we are not one of these couples who to live on eachothers pockets. its just these horrible cuntish "men" who i don't like the idea of him being out with!

aibu?

OP posts:

Original poster

superv1xen · 05/03/2011 11:19

oh and he has also said they all fancy me and have said stuff about me like whats she like in bed etc (which he DOESNT tell them so he says!) and when i have been to his work they all look at me and kind of smirk.

twats.

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 11:21

They are your partners friends not yours.

If he can suffer a night out with them why can't you just let him.

Me thinks he has told you far too much now you are hitting him with a stick about it.

I agree you shouldn't pick him up, he should get a cab home.

Gogopops · 05/03/2011 11:22

OMG they sound like a load of tossers. What a nightmare.

I wouldn't be happy with this at all. Suspect they would probably be 'on the pull' then probably going to a lap-dancing club. Even if they weren't I think I'd be worrying about this all night.

Are they the same age as your DH and do they have wives/girlfriends? Wonder how they feel about these lads nights out.

shinyshoes · 05/03/2011 11:23

Does he want to go?

Irrespective of what your opinion is of them he is a grown man and if he wants to go you've got to let him (let him is the wrong word I know)

I wouldn't worryhe's not going to turn into a caveman just because he's spent an evening with them, once he's been out with them once and realise he's not 'under the thumb' they might not bother him again

TysonNobdie86 · 05/03/2011 11:25

Do you trust your Dh?
If you do, let him go, there is nothing to worry about. I wouldnt be happy about him staying out all night but like its already been suggested, get him to get a cab home, he could get a cab to a point in town and you pick him up from there then his friends would not know any difference, and the cab wouldnt be charging you for 30 miles.

thumbwitch · 05/03/2011 11:26

I feel your pain.
I assume he actually wants to go, yes?

Question is - do you trust him to be himself, and not to be led astray in thought or deed by these neanderthals? If so, then stop worrying about it.

But if you think he is going to start acting like them after one night on the razz with them, then perhaps you should ask him to reconsider - but in the end it's his decision, isn't it.

I wouldn't be happy either, if it's any consolation - but I do trust DH - and if he tries any of the machismo bullshit that colleagues of his come out with, he gets pretty short shrift.

They're only colleagues - they're not his life, like you and your DC are.

ChickensHaveNoEyebrows · 05/03/2011 11:27

Your DH is a grown man, yes? Then trust him. He's not a child who will be 'influenced' in to doing something he doesn't want to do. You really can't dictate who he does/doesn't spend time with without coming across as controlling. It does seem rather odd that he would tell you that they've said disgusting things about women/you, though. Hardly likely to make you feel ok about them.

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:27

Well he must be happy to go if he's agreed and that says a lot about how he feels about them.

I do think he's given you way too much info about these people if you're this angry about a night out.

Acanthus · 05/03/2011 11:29

It's a bit off to say he can't socialise with his workmates, IMO.

diddl · 05/03/2011 11:32

Surely he can go if he wants?

It´s not going to turn him into a twat is it?

Original poster

superv1xen · 05/03/2011 11:33

he doesn't particularly want to go but he is moving to another branch soon (one nearer home) and its kind of a leaving do so he feels kind of obliged to go out as he has worked with them for 3 years.

and the other men who are going out are mostly in their 30's and 40's and most of them have wives and kids as well! i don't know any of their wives as like i say, the wives are NEVER invited on works do's. yet they act like teenage boys (well not even teenage boys tbh as most teenage lads i have known have more respect for women than they do AND are less immature!)

fabby why do you think i shouldn't pick him up? not criticising, just wondering out of interest?

OP posts:

BringOnTheGoat · 05/03/2011 11:33

I'm confused as to why he wants to go out with them? Does he moan about their neanderthal behaviour?

Am also confused as to why you don't want him to go? What are you worried will happen?

I'd be unhappy if any partner of mine wanted to spend time with a group like this as it would make me question if I knew him

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 11:34

Dh occasionally has to socialise with people he would not choose as "friends", for appearances sake, to keep the working relationship good

however he would not tolerate anyone disrespecting me and would not take part in sexist lewd behaviour

it might be very awkward for your DH working with them if he never goes out with them and snubs all invites, but i see no reason why as grown men they should not respect his POV and certainly should not be asking your Dh about you in bed! bleurgh!

as for picking him up that is ridiculous - of course they would take the P - he can get a taxi

ashamedandconfused · 05/03/2011 11:37

just seen its 30 miles so idea of cab part way to meet you is better, if there is no train/bus?

glasnost · 05/03/2011 11:39

If it's a leaving do what's the problem?? He won't haveto go out with them again will he?

Pancakeflipper · 05/03/2011 11:41

Tell him to decide if he is going or not.

My DP works in a male dominated field. Their nights out are alcohol filled until falling over. Before we had kids, 3 of them used to stay at our house overnight. Now they go to a hotel including my DP cos he's a crap loud, snoring irritating drunk. I know a few of them do seek other women for the night. I am probably naive/trusting/loon that my DP doesn't cheat on me. We both know that if either one of us broke our trust it's over. What are you scared of happening?

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 11:42

Why do you want to pick him up? I mean if he doesn't want to be picked up, why would you want to do it? Are you worried he's going to be unfaithful to you?

PepsiPopcorn · 05/03/2011 11:45

I'd be more concerned if he didn't tell you what they were like. I'd say he should go - if he wants - and you treat yourself. Arrange something enjoyable with friends or a night in watching DVDs and eating chocolate while he's out :)

QuintessentialShadows · 05/03/2011 11:47

Let him go and his leaving do.

thumbwitch · 05/03/2011 11:57

superv1xen - the fact that he has told you so much about them is probably a good thing (bar the "they all fancy you" thing - that's just creepy).

My DH has recently been on a works jolly conference in Brisbane, colleagues only. Two of his colleagues spent two of the nights there blatantly on the pull, despite both of them being married, and the older one had been giving the younger ones (including DH) marriage "guidance" . I'm much happier knowing that DH is ok to tell me about this than I would be if I'd found it out later via someone else - his openness indicates to me that he is less likely to join in with their repulsive behaviour (that and the fact that he kept saying he couldn't believe their hypocrisy)

Original poster

superv1xen · 05/03/2011 12:23

thumbwitch omg thats disgusting re your DH's colleagues, what on earth is wrong with these twats? and what do you mean, one of them was giving marriage "guidance" ?? i dread to think

worraliberty it isn't that he doesn't want to be picked up, he just said that they would take the piss. (which, now reading that back, probably also means he doesnt want me to pick him up....) and the reason i want to pick him up because the alternative is a £50 taxi fare or him staying out all night.

OP posts:

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 12:25

But that's what I mean, why don't you want him to stay out all night? Surely that would be the easiest option?

thumbwitch · 05/03/2011 12:32

the marriage "guidance" happened while I was there at the Christmas party, with both of these blokes' wives as well - DH is infamous for his shocking present-giving abilities, so the older of these blokes was telling DH what he buys for his wife, always good presents, and she was saying too that yes, they were always good taste gifts like shoes, handbags, clothes - all the right size, all looked good on her, fed her style habit - well now I know what I know they feel like "guilt" presents to me, and as I said to DH, I'd rather he continued to give me shit presents and stayed faithful than suddenly become expert at giving me expensive designer stuff out of guilt!

Triggles · 05/03/2011 12:36

I can't imagine DH being interested in hanging out with men that behave that way. But neither do I choose my DH's friends. If he wanted to go out with them, I wouldn't have a problem with it. And he's a big boy, he can call a taxi if need be or catch a bus home. I don't need to pick him up like it's a school run, FGS. DH would find that incredibly embarrassing.

But I'm curious why you care if he goes out with him? Are you worried their behaviour or attitudes will rub off on your DH? I would think a grown man could handle himself and you seem a bit overprotective, much more like a mother than a partner. Sorry, but YABU.

FakePlasticTrees · 05/03/2011 12:37

If it's his leaving do, and he's staying in the company, then it would be very bad 'office politics' not to go. Look, he's moving jobs, this is the last time it'll happen that he has to go out with these guys, and the team at the new branch might be far better (let's face it, it's not like his new colleagues could be much worst!).

Do you not trust your DH? Why can't he crash on someone else's sofa? Who'd look after your DCs when you came out to collect him or will you parcel them up in the car in the early hours to go pick up drunk daddy? Would it not be easier to 'let' him stay out and trust he will sleep on a friends sofa rather than in a random woman's bed? You could insist he's home by a particular time the following day (9am sounds reasonable) so you know the following day won't be wasted.

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