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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not want DH to go out with the TWATS he works with!

48 replies

superv1xen · 05/03/2011 11:17

He works with a load of men in a builders merchants. I can't stand them because they are all very sexist and have a terrible attitude towards women. Its disgusting some of the stuff DH says they talk about, its so disrespectful. They all sound like something from the 1950's or 60's.

Anyway they are trying to get DH to go out with them next friday night in the town where he works which is 30 miles from where we live. and they want him to stay out all night and kip on one of their sofa's. and there is strictly no wives/girlfriends invited (as it always is when they have work nights out, probably so they can slag off their wives and ogle slappers).

Another thing I hate is that they are always winding DH up about being "under the thumb" as he hardly ever goes out with them, they expect him to stop out all night when they know he's got a wife and young family at home, wtf, it just would not occur to them that its just not ok to leave your wife at home with the kids and go out and get pissed up all night. That isn't being 'under the thumb' ffs, its called giving two shits about your wife! I wouldn't mind but we hardly get to ever go out as a couple as we can't afford it!! I said I was ok with him going out but maybe I could come and pick him up when he is ready to come home to which he replied that they would take the piss at his wife picking him up

And he is not under the thumb (hate the phrase anyway), he has other friends (not through work) who he goes out with every so often who i have no problem with him being out with! and i sometimes go out with just my friends anyway, we are not one of these couples who to live on eachothers pockets. its just these horrible cuntish "men" who i don't like the idea of him being out with!

aibu?

OP posts:

worraliberty · 05/03/2011 12:37

I'm curious as to why it's ok for him to go out but not stay out?

Triggles · 05/03/2011 12:41

Yep, I have to say it all comes down to trust. Either you trust your DH or you don't.

Hatesponge · 05/03/2011 12:50

I think its a bit unfair not to want him to go to what is in effect his own leaving do. it's not like he's out with them every week, this is a one off.

And IME it's not at all unusual for spouses/partners not to be invited on work 'dos', whever I go for drinks/meals with colleagues, I'd think it odd if any of them insisted on bringing husbands or wives with them....

prettyfly1 · 05/03/2011 12:55

They dont sound great but to be honest, its a leaving drink, you say he rarely goes out, and you dont have to put up with them. I dont like my dps mates but they are his friends and when men spend a lot of time together the macho bollocks is quite common.

You sound like you dont really trust him and to be honest a little bit like the "under the thumb" thing isnt that far from the truth. Sorry.

ledkr · 05/03/2011 12:58

i feel for op,my dh works with a load of cheating arseholes-yes he tells me too much-i am always a bit uncomfortable if he goes out with them but he hardly does,but dont stop him. Does that mean i dont trust him? hmmm im not sure,when you hear the stories on here and in rl about stags shagging ow on their do and i have witnessed married men eating girls faces on nights out,then it is hard not to be fearfull. Esp when drink is involved,eg men piss up alleyways when pissed but wouldnt when sober.iyswim.
Have to suck it and see really,my ex dh cheated after 18yrs and 4 dcs,he managed to do it sober and never went clubbing.

BluddyMoFo · 05/03/2011 13:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2011 13:03

YABU. Your opinion of these men has no bearing on whether he should go or not. When you said about him having other friends, it sounded like something we all say to our children at some point; As in "why do you want to play with him, you've got such nice other friends".

It is up to him to decide whether he wants to go and then you are within your rights to agree when you have you will have your free time whilst he has the children.

MuthaHubbard · 05/03/2011 13:08

i go out with the girls from work - partners never invited. one of the girls lives a fair distance and either crashes at someone's house or if she needs to be home, we all put a couple of quid in towards her taxi.

whats the difference? surely if it's his leaving do, he should at least turn up? it's up to him if he goes - sorry.

mayorquimby · 05/03/2011 13:38

yabu.
if he's happy to go out with them then leave him to it. He's the one who has to put up with them, not you

carabos · 05/03/2011 15:22

OP, you rather forfeit the right to complain about these men being "sexist" and "disrespectful" when you refer to some unknown women that they may or may not come across as "slappers".

tazmintee · 05/03/2011 15:25

lol, poor sod, definitely henpecked :)

FourFortyFour · 05/03/2011 15:30

I couldn't be bothered to read it all tbh but he could say no he doesn't want to go out, he could say yes and then not show up. He could say he has a prior engagement or he could say yes and then the child is ill or he could say no, I don't fancy it. What does he say when they tease him about being under the thumb? And there is nothing wrong with going out separately or having separate friends.

Georgimama · 05/03/2011 15:31

They sound like total knobs but if it is a leaving do I can't see the harm. And why can't he stay out all night? If my husband was going out on the piss with his friends I would much rather he stayed out all night than came home half cut, making exaggerated efforts to be quiet but actually waking everyone up and then collapsing across the bed, snoring. No ta.

You do sound a mite controlling tbh.

FabbyChic · 05/03/2011 15:42

Why would you want to pick him up? Surely getting a cab be easier, and why let him have the piss ripped out of him? Really don't see the point, or you could always pick him up near a station out the way of the idiots.

zukiecat · 05/03/2011 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RunAwayWife · 05/03/2011 18:45

He is a grown up, if he wants to go out with them then he should

LionRock · 05/03/2011 18:54

I'd be surprised if my OH wanted to go on a night out with colleagues who behave like that, so this likely clouds my opinion. It sounds like he's avoided work nights out in the past but feels pressured as it's more of a leaving do for him (though it's not clear if they're thinking of themselves or him when planning it). I suppose there's two things here: socialising with certain people who he may or may not actually like AND having a particular type of night out that maybe isn't his thing. Could he be looking for an excuse not to go? I didn't pick up on how keen he was so am maybe assuming he doesn't fancy it much himself, because he knows what sort of night out it's likely to be and doesn't want to fork out £££ for a cr@p night doing stuff he doesn't enjoy with people he'll not see again afterward. They sound like the sort who'd bully him all night: you're not drinking enough, let's get a lapdance, let's get into a fight...

LionRock · 05/03/2011 18:58

So I'd say it's perfectly reasonable for you to prefer that he doesn't go (which is how I read your question, nothing there to suggest he has to ask you if he's allowed to go on a night out.)

Vallhala · 05/03/2011 19:14

"Ogle slappers"?

That's an interesting way to describe other women in a post where you speak of "respect".

If you're quoting your DH's colleagues when you speak of ogling slappers I apologise. If that's your opinion YABVU.

Tw1nkle · 05/03/2011 19:31

My DH has friends that i dislike him seeing. He knows how I feel, but I explain that if he wants to go, and enjoys himself, then that's up to him (of course I always look totally confused about how he could possibly enjoy himelf!!!).

I know some of them take drugs, hence i hate him being around them - he never touch's the stuff, but that's not the point.

I'm pretty sure he doen't really enjoy himself, and only goes because they've been friends from scholl - I think it's a bloke thing!

So, YANBU, but you have to let him go if he wants too.

MissMarjoribanks · 05/03/2011 21:04

I can understand why you'd be reluctant for him to go. I think you should let him though. IMO trust holds a relationship together and by not letting him go you are kind of saying he can't be trusted.

This comes from someone whose DH is on his seventh consecutive night out (he's in a amdram show). Most of the women he's with are young and attractive and they're all getting pissed as farts every night. I trust him though, absolutely and so apart from being a bit lonely I'm fine with it. It's just one week a year though.

Cat98 · 05/03/2011 22:18

Yanbu. I would wonder why dh wanted to go if they are like that, and as someone else said, wonder if I really knew him. However I can see it would be bad form not to go at all, so i'd be suggesting he go for a bit and make up some excuse. Ultimately, though, it's up to him...

Original poster

superv1xen · 06/03/2011 18:26

valhalla

sorry, shouldn't have said slappers, that was not nice of me :( but meant it in that that's his workmates would usually describe them.

and i would NEVER tell him he "can't" do something, or "not let him" do something.

and he doesn't really want to go anyway!!

OP posts:

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