Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To want to burn these f***ing flowers???

26 replies

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:12

Ok to cut a long story short, my older sis took her own life 18 months ago after yrs of
fighting depression. She had been sexually abused as a child by an older cousin and had never been able to cope with it.
So in the last week I found a bouquet of flowers on her grave that were not put there by family. With a little investigation I have discovered that they were put there by a sister of this man who abused my sis. His daughter got married a cple mths ago and they are her bridesmaids flowers. He is dead several yrs after being murdered by the father of a little girl her also abused...
I am sick at the thought of anything to do with that sick B*tard being anywhere near my sis and want to confront the family involved. However my older brother wants to just take it away and destroy it..I mean the cheek of them to do that now, they know the part the abuse played in my sis death, he may as well have killed her himself.... Sorry for the rant, any views/advice welcomed....

OP posts:

nemofucker · 05/03/2011 00:17

Get rid of the flowers if that feels right and would make you feel better.

But I would avoid getting into an arguement or confrontation with them - obviously this guys sister feels guilt over what her brother did. Don't give him power over you by getting upset about it, don't let him cause your family more pain, he caused your poor sister enough.

I am for you - abusers have no clue about the damage they do to their victims. But remember that nothing he or his family do can touch your sister now.

AgentZigzag · 05/03/2011 00:17

That's a lot for you to cope with and very recent, I'm not surprised it's made you feel so raw.

Did the sister of the man, or his daughter, have any kind of relationship with your sister?

I'm asking from the point of view that they didn't want to forget your sister on an important day.

GrimmaTheNome · 05/03/2011 00:24

I think your brother is right.

The woman probably meant well even though it was unwelcome and upsetting. Tactless rather than 'cheek'.

YANBU to be upset, burn the flowers if it would be at all cathartic - but don't exacerbate your own hurt (or this womans - I can't think that someone bothering to put bridesmaids flowers on a grave isn't upset about the whole sad business too)

Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2011 00:24

I am sorry for your loss. It is only a short space of time since not only your loss but i would imagine what was a very difficult time before your sister died. It is normal when grieving to need somewhere to direct anger towards.

I mean this in a very gentle way but the flowers being left has given you a target for that anger. The other family has probably left the flowers to show that they are sorry for what their relative has done. Well intentioned but to soon for any contact, if any at all.

I don't think you have anything to gain yet from contacting them. Unless you can do it without actually having to meet, word of mouth say? Just to tell them that you would rather they didnt leave anything on her grave. Get positive support from where ever you can.

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:25

Thanks for the replies, no the daughter would have had no contact at all with my sis but the sister would have. I am raging because my sis hated that man with all her heart and it is so disrespectful of her memory for this woman to do this now. My brother says we shouldn't lower ourselves to respond to it just to get rid of it. But I am so sick and angry that they would do this. I want to rage at them for the part they played in ignoring what their brother was, even then all those yrs ago, 30+ they knew what he was....

OP posts:

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:29

I am wondering, if maybe they were put there as some sort of peace offering. The sister is presumably also your cousin. Is is possible he also abused his own daughter too :(

It all sounds very painful to the whole family.

Testa · 05/03/2011 00:35

The sick bastard is dead.

I bet they wanted to show a peace offering by the sister of the cousin (so presumably a cousin too?)

Anyone who takes flowers to a grave is paying their respects, as this person is.

Please don't be so angry that they have laid flowers. They didn't abuse your sister

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:36

I live in the same time as his sister and wud say hello if I passed her on the street. As for his daughter she was on FB a cpl wks ago mourning his anniv and saying how much she missed him!!! Woz told by another family distant family member as am certainly not her friend on FB. They stood by him despite him being found guilty a number of times..unfortunately my sis never got to take her case against him. He died first and she felt cheated of her justice iykwim...

OP posts:

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:37

Sorry should have spelt town not time!!

OP posts:

maidbloke · 05/03/2011 00:38

How awful. But TBH I think your brother is right, just get rid of the flowers however you want to - burn them, whatever you feel you need to do. I agree with birdsgottafly, the flowers were probably not put there to deliberately aggravate you.

I am sorry for your loss.

rinabean · 05/03/2011 00:38

You know, if she was his younger sister, and he had daughters... he obviously didn't have any respect for not abusing his position within the family after what he did to your cousin. It's possible that these two women are far more involved than you think. Even if that's not true (and I hope it's not), I'm sure they don't mean to disrespect your cousin or you. I really think their intentions are kind. I'm sorry that it's upset you, though.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:39

:( Ah, that puts it in a different light then :(

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:41

I dont think it would have been done maliciously. I think the intention was probably meant kindly, but it is somewhat inappropriate. I would go along with your brothers views though.

varyingdegreesofdeafness · 05/03/2011 00:42

Could you be very efficient and post them to the address of the relaive concerned with a note explaining no way ever should they attend your sisters grave again with such flowers?

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:44

Thanks everyone for replying. I have read back and i realise that I sound very bitter and I guess I am. I visit her grave a couple of times a week and it feels violated now. We will destroy the flowers or at least get rid of them. It has upset the whole family all over again. I just miss her so much...

OP posts:

Birdsgottafly · 05/03/2011 00:44

Try to concentrate on what is beneficial to yourself, brother and any other family that you have to consider.

It is always complex why families support abusers. But whilst you are going through the grieving process you should not have to worry about them. it would be helpful if information such as them mourning him was not passed on.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 00:46

You have absolutely every reason to be bitter. Certainly towards the man who did this to your sister. Its still very very early days into your bereavement, especially when it is for a young person who has taken their own life.

Have you had any counselling at all? If not, it really can help a great deal.

AgentZigzag · 05/03/2011 00:48

You've got every right to feel bitter

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 00:51

She was just short of her 40th bday when she died. She left 2 sons behind. I haven't had any counselling and was doing ok (mostly) up to now. Hopefully can get all this straight in my head again once we get rid of these flowers.

This was my first post on Mumsnet and I really appreciate all your views. Thanks.

OP posts:

nemofucker · 05/03/2011 00:59

Don't worry about being bitter - you have every right to.

But don't hold on to it and let it eat you up - don't give him the satisfaction, plus, and I know that I don't know her, but I think I would be safe in saying that your sister wouldn't want you to be another victim of his in a different way, if you see what I mean.

squeakytoy · 05/03/2011 01:06

I really would say see your GP about counselling. Considering all that you have been through, and the back history to your sisters suicide, that is an awful lot to deal with.

My FIL took his own life, and my husband suffered with depression for a long time afterwards, so I have an inkling of what it may be like for you, and I really feel that counselling of some sort would be a big help to move forward from such tragedy.

I am so sorry for your loss, and for your nephews too. Your whole family must be devastated.

Emmanana · 05/03/2011 01:10

So sorry to hear of your tragedy. You have every right to feel anger, sadness, bitterness, but please don't let it destroy you.
Your Sister has left you the most precious things in her Sons. Let them see you hold your head high, and walk tall and forward for yourself and your sister.
Wishing you courage, Mary.

LittleMissHissyFit · 05/03/2011 12:05

My heart goes out to you marymoll. I am so sorry for you having lost your dear sister.

I think the best thing would be to remove the flowers, without making any kind of fuss with the other family for now, if it's a reaction they are looking for, deny it them.

FWIW, children are conditioned to love their parents no matter how absymal they are, so the girl clearly does miss her father, despite him being the disgusting man he was.

Is there anyway a formal letter could be sent to the other family to ask that they refrain from any form of tributes at your sister's grave,as in the circumstances it is wholly inappropriate and completely unwelcome.

Original poster

marymoll · 05/03/2011 13:15

Just to update, my bro went to graveyard this morning early and its turns out that there is an identical bouquet on this mans mums grave as the one put on my sisters grave. So my bro removed the one from sis's grave and put it onto the mothers grave. He felt this was a better idea than just destroying it because at least they will get the message that we don't want it on my sisters grave. If they have the downright cheek to put it back again we will then destroy it. His family have never ever admitted that he did anything wrong and my bro feels it would be pointless upsetting ourselves by confronting them now, they won't change their views after all this time...
I hardly slept a wink last night was so upset and aggravated but am relieved now that it is gone.
Sorry for the long post!! You were all very good to reply and I appreciate the advice given and will give some thought to the counselling suggestion. Hopefully that will now be the end of it.

OP posts:

JaneS · 05/03/2011 13:19

I think your brother did the right thing - that's a remarkably dignified solution when you've both been so upset by it. I hope you find some good counseling if that is what you choose to do. So sorry for your situation.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread