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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about the effect of other children on mine?

57 replies

Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 19:38

I know I will probably get flamed for this but perhaps I am overdue one anyway so here goes.

We live in, to put it bluntly, a not so nice area. The local school are rough - and I speak as someone who grew up in the south wales vallies Grin. The teachers are good, the school buildings are adequate and tbh I have no worries about what I have seen so far of the teaching etc (oldest child in yr1).

However, the behaviour of the other children (not all but from what I have seen I good proportion of them) is well beyond what I would consider normal.

a few examples (plucked from a possible list of many!)

There are the normal tears at my sons nursery (at the school) children not wanting to go in. In this nursery, however, you also get 3 year olds (mostly 2 boys but sometimes other seem to copy) attacking, biting, punching and kicking the teachers and shouting " fuck off" - every day.

A brawl in the school yard between two fathers.

I was one of only three parents to turn up for parents evening (the others had appointments they just didnt come).

parents at pick up time swearing not only at the teacher and each other but at their children - yesterday someone I was casually talking to turned round to her 5 year old and called her a cow.

A few months ago a woman (who i didnt know)randomly came up to me to asked me if I thought she should abort her pregnancy because she didnt want to tell her partner - wtf?

I could go on but I wont because I am aware I sound like a right bitch but I do spend a good deal of time worrying about my children picking up the behaviour and when my husband and I were watching jamie olivers dream school he made a joke about how the parents at the school were basically slightly older versions of the kids - he thought he was being hilarious but I had an inner screaming fit imagining my children on jamies dream school 2020.

AIBU to worry about it? should i just relax and keep my head down.

OP posts:
worraliberty · 04/03/2011 19:41

I would be worried too, but realistically if you can't move you're just going to have to hang in there and continue to be a good parent. Hopefully the values you instill in your children, will affect their choices when choosing friends.

Well that's the plan anyway...good luck Grin

MillyR · 04/03/2011 19:42

Can you move?

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 19:47

we are hoping to move but realistically it will be a while before we can afford to :(.

OP posts:
MillyR · 04/03/2011 19:50

If your oldest child is in year one, then it should be fine. As long as it is sorted out by secondary school then your influence is greater than peer influence.

lubberlich · 04/03/2011 19:51

OP - I have a similar problem - trapped in a crappy area. I am seriously thinking I'd rather be in a tent somewhere else than expose my boy to the bunch of feral freaks that surround us at the moment. Irony of all of this is that we moved out of London to this provincial hell hole in order to give my son a better quality of life.

AMumInScotland · 04/03/2011 19:52

Do you find that the teachers are reasonably good at keeping order in class? If so, then I think your children shouldn't be too badly affected by the behaviour around them - they are seeing a good example in you and your husband, and presumably your family and friends, so they know that it's not "normal" to be like that.

cornerstone75 · 04/03/2011 19:55

YANBU - keep your head down, keep setting a good example and talking to your DCs about stuff as it comes up...and save up to move! We have friends in a similar position and they are making it their goal to move out of the area. I think your children will learn from your example, there will always be other kids using inappropriate language etc, it's how you deal with your DC's witnessing that.

northerngirl41 · 04/03/2011 19:56

My sis sent hers to private school for this very reason - she's very shamefaced about it, because she truly believed she was doing the right thing by supporting the local school and giving her kids lots of extra urricular activities, but the kids at school were turning hers into little thugs!!! She switched and they truly are lovely kids now.

Not everyone has that option though.

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 19:56

We live in a dreadful council estate but I drive my kids 3 miles away to a very nice middle-class village school. We don't mix with most of our rough as hell neighbours or their foul and violent children. Needs must I'm afraid. YANBU.

missmehalia · 04/03/2011 19:59

It sounds awful, I like what everyone on here has said about it, though. Our school has its problems, most have something or other to contend with. I'm shocked the school aren't doing more about in-class behaviour, but you can't do a thing about the parents' behaviour at pick up time unfortunately. Wherever you go, your kids will be witness to rubbish like this. All you can do it be the way you want them to be... you're not alone.

Normantebbit · 04/03/2011 19:59

Just remember your children do not have to behave like that. They will model themselves on your behaviour, so set a good example.

I went to a rough primary school - I remember a fight in the playground between parents, children drinking Bacardi at lunch time, aged 8.

Just instil in your kids that they are better than that, and remember, water finds its level, your children will make some nice friends.

If it's unbearable and affecting your children profoundly, at least you have time to work towards moving for secondary.

southeastastra · 04/03/2011 20:00

our local school is a bit like this (but the people are generally normal if you can be arsed to talk to them)

but in a sense i blame the parents who do live near the school but choose to send independent/religious or drive somewhere for making the school what it is.

i truely think schools would improve if all in the catchment used the school (if the area is good enough to live in in the first place!)

i really want my kids to walk to school and have friends in the local area.

i'm obviously a woolly socialist but hate the way c ommunities are being fragmented by this.

i'm talking specifically about my area though so know they all aren't the same. but can't be that different.

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 20:03

southeastastra I can't afford to live in the kind of 'community' I would actually fit in to though! And nor can many other people by the sound of it.

Adair · 04/03/2011 20:03

Hmmm... I understand this worry. it is where our parenting gets tested. But you either trust and guide them, or - well, I don't know. You can't keep them in a bubble - wherever they go they will encounter people who don't do things as you would (from all backgrounds).

southeastastra · 04/03/2011 20:05

i'm not aiming my post at you candelshoe, just saying how i see it - and that if everyone did that (drive to another area) of course the school would become a certain 'type'

children generally get on with all types and i'm pleased that my son loves his school

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 20:06

You can keep them in a bubble if you have enough money - do you think Tom Cruise's kids mix with rough little oiks on 'welfare'?

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 20:08

AMumInScotland: from what my daughter says the class is controlled pretty well between the teacher and teaching assistants (there are 3 teaching assistants so at least it doesnt all fall to the teacher). The teacher is experienced and seems to control the class well, obviously this may not be the same across the school though.

I dont have a car so it is not really an option to go further afield even if we could get a place. I have not looked into private school but unless it costs about £5 a term its too expensive for me lol.

I am feeling a bit delicate about it at the moment because my daughter has no friends there, we have had trouble with her settling in and bullying. She has been made fun of about her accent amongst other things. Im feeling a little less alone now :)

OP posts:
Normantebbit · 04/03/2011 20:10

Are there any likely girls you could invite home for tea?

MillyR · 04/03/2011 20:11

Fernie, it sounds like the only affordable option you have is to move. Do you live in an expensive part of the country? Do you or your DH have a job that ties you to one area of the country?

southeastastra · 04/03/2011 20:13

yes move Hmm really is it that bad?

have you spoken to the head with your concerns?

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 20:18

MillyR we cant afford to move. We moved here only last year because my husband was ill then suffered with depression and lost his job. We got into alot of debt and had to move to a cheaper area (where we are now). He was not well enough to either work or look after our children alone (we have four - three preschool age) so our only option was for him to go freelance to try and earn enough money to keep us. We have just about scraped by for the last 6 months but moving again and finding deposit etc is totally beyond us.

OP posts:
AMumInScotland · 04/03/2011 20:18

At least if the teacher keeps order, the class time should be fine, which helps. Have you tried looking at activities outside school to try to find children your dd could make friends with? You may find the less rowdy children at those things.

Normantebbit · 04/03/2011 20:20

That's a good idea AMuminScotland

Rainbows/Brownies is cheap, dancing, gym etc - your local council must run stuff for kids. Honestly, friendships outside school saved my life.

RunAwayWife · 04/03/2011 20:21

I would run a mile, those schools sounds terrible

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 20:22

Normantebbit - I have aksed both her and the teacher abotu inviting someone home but she keeps saying she doesnt want to and the teacher couldnt think of anyone she talked to apart from the lunch assistant.

brownies might be fun for her I could look into that !

OP posts: