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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To worry about the effect of other children on mine?

57 replies

Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 19:38

I know I will probably get flamed for this but perhaps I am overdue one anyway so here goes.

We live in, to put it bluntly, a not so nice area. The local school are rough - and I speak as someone who grew up in the south wales vallies Grin. The teachers are good, the school buildings are adequate and tbh I have no worries about what I have seen so far of the teaching etc (oldest child in yr1).

However, the behaviour of the other children (not all but from what I have seen I good proportion of them) is well beyond what I would consider normal.

a few examples (plucked from a possible list of many!)

There are the normal tears at my sons nursery (at the school) children not wanting to go in. In this nursery, however, you also get 3 year olds (mostly 2 boys but sometimes other seem to copy) attacking, biting, punching and kicking the teachers and shouting " fuck off" - every day.

A brawl in the school yard between two fathers.

I was one of only three parents to turn up for parents evening (the others had appointments they just didnt come).

parents at pick up time swearing not only at the teacher and each other but at their children - yesterday someone I was casually talking to turned round to her 5 year old and called her a cow.

A few months ago a woman (who i didnt know)randomly came up to me to asked me if I thought she should abort her pregnancy because she didnt want to tell her partner - wtf?

I could go on but I wont because I am aware I sound like a right bitch but I do spend a good deal of time worrying about my children picking up the behaviour and when my husband and I were watching jamie olivers dream school he made a joke about how the parents at the school were basically slightly older versions of the kids - he thought he was being hilarious but I had an inner screaming fit imagining my children on jamies dream school 2020.

AIBU to worry about it? should i just relax and keep my head down.

OP posts:
MillyR · 04/03/2011 20:24

Okay, I think it is hugely beneficial to the situation that you have four children, because they can act as peer group to each other and will have less dependence of having to fit in with other kids and their behaviour.

I think you have done really well to reduce your living costs and keep going. We are hanging by a thread at the moment, and I think a lot of other families are getting into similar positions. I think you should just not worry too much about primary school, and think that you have five years to make new plans. Things are going to be very different in five years time.

southeastastra · 04/03/2011 20:25

please give the children of the 'rough Hmm parents a chance, ime all children are the same and i think the mindset of segregating children is really sad.

MillyR · 04/03/2011 20:26

I agree that out of school activities are really good. Having different friends from different things you do in life puts less pressure on one particular situation, like school, to be a child's whole social life.

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 20:27

southeastastra - I have spoken to the teacher and family liason about my daughter being made fun of but nothing else. The school iteself tries hard, they have activities for parents to take the kids to, extra staff at events etc. I dont know if there is much more the school can really do.

OP posts:
MillyR · 04/03/2011 20:28

I don't think it is about segregating people SEA. It is about primary schools having a varied social mix. It doesn't sound like the OP's school does.

Haggisfish · 04/03/2011 20:34

I would be worried - I am in exactly the same situation, and am a secondary school teacher, too. Southeastra, it's easy to say things like that, but when you are talking about real rough as boots, don't give a flying feck about anyone type society, it's hard not to worry. Kids who don't have 'normal' role models to show them how half decent, well mannered, people react to each other don't stand a chance.

You're right, they do all start out the same, but then I watch them degenerate into mini clones of their parents as they learn more and more behaviour from them. It is desperately sad, but I would be worried, too. Having said that, there's a lovely family who live next door, whose girls have turned out lovely, mainly because their parents are lovely - I like the water finds the right level analogy.

southeastastra · 04/03/2011 20:37

don't overestimate the area i'm in!

of course the op's doesn't probably cause everyone moves to other schools! like mine do

from the 5 kids who live on my road, 3 go to religious schools, one goes private and one goes to the local catchment (my son!) communities it does not make!

brass · 04/03/2011 20:40

OMG get out if you can. Poor DC, poor you, poor teachers.

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 21:32

I think the suggestion about focussing on out of school activities is a really good one.

toeragsnotriches · 04/03/2011 21:36

You don't deserve a flaming for this. At all.

To follow your thinking logically, your kids won't end up like those on the TV prog (have not seen it but know roughly the gist) because they will take you as their role model, not those at the school. And as a teacher and mum of children in varying stages of less than 'desirable' local education (in catchment, such as it is in inner London) I definitely think the water finding its level analogy stands true. My DCs are happy, learning and surrounded by children from backgrounds very very different to ours. There are many I don't want them to copy. And many I do.

As long as the school is dealing effectively with the behaviour, I'd stay vigilant but I'd stop worrying. And if your DCs are happy then just keep working on the things you can change. It sounds as though you're working towards being able to move away, so this won't be forever.

Good for you for remaining so calm this far. And good luck.

toeragsnotriches · 04/03/2011 21:38

Mmm the out of school activities suggestion rocks.

mmsmum · 04/03/2011 21:47

YANBU But you have 4 kids and they have each other as well as 2 excellent parents so I think they will be ok. As other have said 5 years is a long time and I hope your DH's health improves in that time. I also like the idea of after school activities, swimming lessons are usually pretty cheap and libraries run free book/story clubs for kids. Check out churches and halls too for things like rainbows

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 21:50

We found the 'nice' children in our 'rough' area by doing ...

ballet
drama
yoga (very big round here!)

and by avoiding...

martial arts
football
brownies and cubs!

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 21:51

Obviously cost does come into these activities BUT it is not as much as moving house and making higher mortgage payments.

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 21:53

Thanks toerags I have tried not to worry because it's just so far out if my control but every one and again i get a sense of panic about it!

Mmsmum my dh is actually coding really well now. He is pretty healthy (touch wood) and the depression is much better because a lot of it was caused in the first place by ill health. It's just picking ourselves up now and moving on, it will take time though and sometimes we take a few steps forward a few steps back!

OP posts:
NagoonthenIllbeColumbia · 04/03/2011 21:58

oh candleshoe I have a boy!

toeragsnotriches · 04/03/2011 22:00

I read somewhere that research showed that for primary age children the home environment was 6 times more important to their educational attainment and wellbeing than school.

I'm always really wary of research that throws up absolutes like this but there's got to be a grain of truth in there somewhere!

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 22:02

What is your point Nagoonthen?

hockeyforjockeys · 04/03/2011 22:08

Every child will respond differently in this situation. Some are very easily led and influenced, and will copy behaviour to try and fit in. If there is a lot of undesirable behaviour going on then you are right to worry, but even with moving them you don't know who they could team up with! However most children in my experience will reflect their parent's example and values and won't just follow blindly. I've taught classes where behaviour has been pretty dire from a sizable minority, and it does have an impact on some who wouldn't normally behave in that way, at the same time there will always be children who are delightful, polite and well-behaved. Intrestingly not all of them have delightful parents (even if most do!).

At the end of day you know your children. It may well be that all 4 of them are absolutely fine, but you may find that one or two of them are influenced. If that situation arises then obviously you may need to start thinking of a plan B (and hopefully by then you'll be in situation where you do have more options).

NagoonthenIllbeColumbia · 04/03/2011 22:08

football and martial arts v ballet and yoga?

he might like yoga.

well he might like ballet...

hockeyforjockeys · 04/03/2011 22:11

toerag - I've also seen research that schools on average only make a 7% difference to children's educational outcomes based on class - the very best only make a 15% difference. Not sure what I find more depressing, that children's attainment can be predicted from the day they are born, or that my 50 hours a week are making very little difference.

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 22:13

Good job you we are not on a scary feminist thread - you'd have been in for a flamin' Nagoonthen Grin

candleshoe · 04/03/2011 22:16

The factor which is consistently proved to be the most reliable and successful indicator of educational outcomes, in studies here and worldwide, is ...

The educational attainment of the mother.

ie. If you left at 16 ... this may not bode well for your kids outcomes/achievements even if they are at a terrific school.
If you have a PHD then your kids will do well no matter where they go to school.

toeragsnotriches · 04/03/2011 22:18

So much for social mobility! That sounds interesting hockey . Was it from the Sutton Trust? And you are making a difference, every day those kids come to school. Smile

Original poster
Fernie3 · 04/03/2011 22:23

Candleshoe i have a degree dh left school at 16 lol.

OP posts: