to be really disappointed in my mum

[Susiewho]

My mum and I have never had a good relationship. In fact we didn't have any contact from the day I left home, aged 18, to when DD was born twelve years later.

I called her when DD was a few months old to ask if she wanted to see her new grandchild. We live about 100 miles away, but we drove up so that she could see the baby.

Since then she's only seen DD (and me) twice. Once when we drove up again to see her and also at a relative's birthday party. DD will be three in a couple of months' time.

On the phone recently, to wish my mum a happy birthday, DD asked her gran to come and visit, but my mum just said she would think about it when the weather's better (it wasn't snowing or anything outside).

AIBU to feel disappointed that she's made no real effort to see DD? She telephones on my birthday or DD's birthday (and she does send card and present - she didn't for my birthdays and Christmas for years though), and I called her at Christmas.

Would it be hard for her to pick-up the phone every now and then? She's driven across America a couple of times before, so you wouldn't think it would be difficult to cross a couple of counties in England.

Perhaps I should be the one to pick-up the phone more, but I suppose I still resent the way she treated me for years and years.

YANBU to feel disappointed. Not all mums live up to the name, sadly.

If you still resent the way she was to you, do you really want her to be part of your DD's life?

YANBU But beyond that I don't know what to advise. I hope she feels bad for the way she has treated you but maybe doesn't know how to go about making it up and re-building your relationship, staying away might be the cowards way out

I suppose that's what's prompted me to post, foundwanting. I'm thinking perhaps I shouldn't really bother with her. I mention her a lot to DD as her other grandparents telephone, visit and generally show an interest.

DD wouldn't really be missing out by not having my mum in her life. She was abusive to me when I was a child and I couldn't really leave them alone in a room together or anything like that.

Thanks for your reply. :)

my Gran (mums mum) has never seen my youngest brother or my daughter.

some women just aren't cut out to be mothers.

Yanbu to feel hurt by her inaction.

I mean your mum staying away, not calling you a coward susie! I'm making it worse lol I mean to say that staying away might seem the easiest option for her

It only takes just over two hours to drive a 100 miles, if she has driven across America there really is no reason why she cannot drive to see you.

How old is she though? Some don't do travelling when they are old.

Thanks mmsmum. Yes, I think I'll just leave her to it.

I made contact and have attempted to keep a thread of communication open, but it's not working. I suppose there's not much I can do that isn't bound to result in disappointed all round!

She's not old, Fabbychic. She's still a few years of retirement and is used to travelling. Using the weather as an excuse was poor.

Some people are not cut out to be mums. Yours is one of them. Leave her to it, invest your energy into nice people who care for you and your DD and try not to let it eat you up. Shame she's missing out but some people are just dicks.

YANBU :)

It looks like you'll have to make the effort if you want her in yours and your DDs life. It's sad, but sometimes that's just how things work.

Try and learn from her actions and I'm sure you'll never behave in the same way toward your DD.

MamazOn, I hope you're ok. Do your brother and daughter feel like they're missing out? I was never bothered about not having a good mum, but I suppose I wanted DD to feel like she had grandparent. Oh well, it isn't to be, I suppose.

Bupcakes, luckly her other grandparents are very caring, so we'll make sure we spend plenty of time with them.

atthecarwash, you're right. I have learned a lot from my mum with regards parenting - what not to do!

Sorry Bupcakes, I meant LUCKILY!

Good that your DD has other grandparents. My own mum's mum is like this. She doesn't even know I have a child. Twat.

Thankfully they have a huge family. My dads side is enormouse plus there is their fathers family and my Dp's family have taken them as their own.

They don't really miss something they have never had IYSWIM.

That's sad, Bupcakes. Are you ok?

I agree, MamazOn, you just don't miss what you don't have. I didn't know my family on my mum's side, as she'd fallen out with all of them too. I had other grandparents and have many aunts, uncles and cousins, but as I've never known them, I don't miss being in contact with them.

YANBU. But it sounds like your DD won't be missing out on much so maybe concentrate your efforts on filling her life with lovely people who actually take an interest in her.

Reminds me of the situation with my sister. We live in the same city and yet she has seen her nephew once and couldn't give two shits. I was really ill after he was born (stuck in hospital after an awful crash c-section) and she was the only family I have living remotely close to me. Didn't give two shits then either and didn't want to see either of us.

I truly don't think your DD will be missing out op.

I suppose with no contact for 12 years she has got used to not having you in her life .

That's sad, Honeybee. Does your sister have children? Is there a jealousy issue? Were you close beforehand?

FourtyForty, I think you're right. I suppose it was unlikely that she'd take a 'real' interest after all those years.

Susie, no my sis has no kids. We have been close previously, but not any longer. To be honest, I can't fathom the reasons. I used to find it really, really hurtful and be upset for my DS but now I just accept it. DS has other people in his life and they're more positive than my sister!

I try not to dwell on it too much as it just pisses me right off.

Sounds as if she is just repeating History? Don't allow it to continue into your DD's life, imo

Please don't leave her to it without confronting her. Tell her exactly how she is hurting you (I know that should be obvious to her). Tell her you want her to be apart of your life. Tell her that unless she makes an effort, then you will drift apart for good and that is so sad.
It might be that she feels so guilty about how she's been in the past that she doesn't believe that you really want her in your life or perhaps she believes you're better off without her.
Give her this one chance. I know she may not deserve it but actually I feel you might regret it when you're older, as at least this way you'll know you did all you could.
It will be really painful if you are able to reconcile with her but please give her this last chance. I wish you all the best.

Thanks all. :)

Yes, freebreeze, you're right. I got back in touch with her after DD was born and a main reason was because I'd always wonder "What if" if I hadn't. It's my birthday soon, so she might call. I'll speak to her about it then. I anticipate it'll all fall on deaf ears though. When she calls she only talks about herself or my brother (who she has a good relationship with), and tends to talk over me.

You've hit the nail on the head, Honeybee: "I try not to dwell on it too much as it just pisses me right off" - very true!

Think it is unreasonable to expect a massive change in her attitude in all these years. Expectation is a killer - a friend of mine said (in relation to twunt x and constant disappointment) be grateful for the smallest contibution. It's all the emotionally stunted can offer. The one thing that will come from having a rubbish mum will be that you are a great one

Yes, BringOn, that makes sense. It would be unreasonable to expect a woman like my mum to become anything more than an absent gran.

Thanks so much for the last sentence. I'll do my best! :) Thanks for that!