to be really disappointed in my mum

[Susiewho]

My mum and I have never had a good relationship. In fact we didn't have any contact from the day I left home, aged 18, to when DD was born twelve years later.

I called her when DD was a few months old to ask if she wanted to see her new grandchild. We live about 100 miles away, but we drove up so that she could see the baby.

Since then she's only seen DD (and me) twice. Once when we drove up again to see her and also at a relative's birthday party. DD will be three in a couple of months' time.

On the phone recently, to wish my mum a happy birthday, DD asked her gran to come and visit, but my mum just said she would think about it when the weather's better (it wasn't snowing or anything outside).

AIBU to feel disappointed that she's made no real effort to see DD? She telephones on my birthday or DD's birthday (and she does send card and present - she didn't for my birthdays and Christmas for years though), and I called her at Christmas.

Would it be hard for her to pick-up the phone every now and then? She's driven across America a couple of times before, so you wouldn't think it would be difficult to cross a couple of counties in England.

Perhaps I should be the one to pick-up the phone more, but I suppose I still resent the way she treated me for years and years.

YANBU.

Ultimately, if your mum is being difficult now then it's hard to see what she'll bring to the party as far as your daughter is concerned - so your daughter really won't miss out on having a fantastic granny. Expect nothing and cultivate her relationships with other people.

It's a shite situation though and I do feel for you as I know how hurtful these things are.

If your relationship was so bad that there was no contact-on either side-for 12yrs-I wonder why you thought that things would suddenly change because you had a baby?

Has whatever happened been resolved, or do you pretend it never happened?

diddl, nothing happened particularly. She just never liked me, treated me very badly, and so I resented her. After I left home we just didn't stay in touch. My dad moved out shortly after I left. He'd stayed with her just to try to shield me (his words) from her a bit.

I suppose I thought she'd like to see her grandchild (she has three others - my brother's DC) and also just to make sure that I don't look back one day regreting the fact that I never gave her another chance.

Does that make sense? Probably not. Sorry, it's tricky to explain.

. So sorry you had such a tough time.

OP, why would you want this woman in your daughter's life? What do you think your DD will gain from it? She shouldn't be in her life purely because she's a biological grandparent.

You're right, Honeybee. I'm being daft as I wouldn't really want her in DD's life too much as (OK, this is going to appear really OTT) she is a violent person. Or she was, anyway. I suppose, I thought she might just take a bit more interest and I'm disappointed that she doesn't. She seems more interested in talking about her home improvements when we do speak.

Anyway, I suppose I need to shut up and put up. She's never going to be interested and I was daft to think she might be!

The issue with my sis was that I felt that she SHOULD take an interest and was hurt and offended that she didn't. But when I actually thought beyond that I realised that actually she's pretty unpleasant and my son was better off without her in his life.

Do you have other family who spend time with your DD?

It is very disappointing, some people do change when they become grandparents (my dad did, he's much better this time around) but some don't (my husband's mum just doesn't 'get' parenting).

If she never liked you & treated you badly, she doesn´t deserve to see her GD imo.

And your daughter shouldn´t be subjected to her!

If she doesn´t like you, your having a baby won´t change that imo.

It must be hurtful though.

My MIL´s mother didn´t go to her wedding as thought that FIL wasn´t good enough.

Now, I couldn´t have forgiven that tbh.

But MIL spent the rest of her life bending over backwards to please her mum-why?

I'm glad you're ok Honeybee.

Diddl you're right, there's no reason why my mum should change and it's daft that I should have thought she might have done. The situation with you MIL's mother is confusing, isn't it? It's such a shame.

In the cold light of day (as opposed to last night when I was posting), I just think "Sod her". And I'm fine with that really. At least I made contact and gave the opportunity to have a relationship.

Thanks again everyone. I appreciate your thoughts and support very much. :)

Good luck Susie. I second your "sod her" sentiment!

Well, I think YANBU to think that she might be interested in her GC, & I think it was very generous of you to be willing to let them have a relationship tbh.

Well, it seems to me that you have done what you can.

you didn't have a relationship with her for 12 years but you expect her to jump to it because you now have a child.

Clearly whatever problems there were in your relationship were never resolved and still remain underneath the polite interaction which has occurred.

My SIL was crap for years when we started a family but now she has had her children suddenly wants us involved and part of her children's lives. She's missed the boat as far as I'm concerned. I'm not actively being obstructive but I literally do not feel ANYTHING for her or her DC so am not inclined to make any more effort other than be civilised when we see her. I always sense SIL expects much more but that just makes me uncomfortable at being pressured to deliver something I just don't feel.

It's obviously different because it's your mum but perhaps she is struggling with feelings of disappointment and hurt from when you left home and the subsequent non contact. Once your feelings shut down towards someone it's not that easy to open it all up again.

Maybe you need to be less expectant about what kind of a granny (and indeed mum) she is and work on your relationship with her if you still want her in your life in the future. But you would need to confront your history and draw a line under your past together.

'nothing happened particularly'

you left home feeling unhappy and resentful, no contact and then your dad leaves her (because you're not there anymore to hang around for).....

I'd say some major things happened and that you're very naive to think you could just pick up where you left off with that hanging over you.

Whose decision was it to cut contact when you were 18? Perhaps she found that painful and is now trying to avoid getting attached to you/your DD again in case you cut ties a second time?

My mother didn't want anything to do with me until I had children .

With respect, if she couldn't be bothered with her own child (you) then she's hardly likely to turn into a doting grandmother for your child.

You expected too much of this and it's unfair to blame her for that.

YANBU to feel upset though, we all hope that people can change.