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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to want the "dear old biddies" to butt the hell out?

45 replies

NoWayNoHow · 03/03/2011 16:08

When DS is on screaming, howling strop number 29 of the day, is it really compulsory for every old person in a 12 foot radius to come over to him and start with the "poor dear" and "don't cry little one" and "come on, cheer up"?? I'm not ignoring him because im a heartless bitch- I am refusing to reinforce his negative behaviour!

He may LOOK like butter wouldn't melt, but he's a frickin' difficult child who needs massively strong and clear boundaries, and every time a well-intentioned OAP toddles over, they undermine what I'm trying to do.

I only post this today cos I actually just told off an old man Blush but in my defence it's been a day of shiteness equalled only by yesterday's shiteness.

Go ahead, flame me- day couldn't get any worse! Grin

OP posts:
bigbitch90 · 03/03/2011 16:10

YANBU

nosey bastards...

bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 16:13

you are totally going to get flamed but I know how you feel. Fortunately my DS is really rude to all the old biddies, he actually roars at them and they wish they hadn't bothered...Grin

GlynisIsFixed · 03/03/2011 16:14

Brew for you

it's bloody awful when that happens, people think they are helping, but sometimes it's I all can do not to push them into the road or tell them to eff off

but.......*whispers, it does get better

honest, it does. I was posting on here only a few months ago about the horrendous tantrums DD was having in the street, I mouthed 'fuck off' to some nosey trout passerby and felt terrible for it. I haven't seen her since and DD has been more calm. Job done

fizzyliftinggas · 03/03/2011 16:15

Why would she get flamed, they do bloody interfere, like they are the only people in the world who can magically calm a crying child!
Watches in anticipation of upcoming flaming! Grin

princessparty · 03/03/2011 16:16

How old ?
Your DS not the biddies?

DurhamDurham · 03/03/2011 16:16

It would be worse if they came over tojudge you. It sounds like they are just trying to cheer him up and jolly him along. I think you being rude to them sets a very bad example to your son.

slightlymad72 · 03/03/2011 16:18

YANBU I had the tut tut and why don't you pick him up he is obviously distressed, NO HE ISN'T, he is having a tantrum and at 6 months pregnant I was not about to pick up a kicking child. The couple then decided to tell me all about HOW TO PARENT, that got me going, so I politely suggested that if they are such good parents maybe they should take him. tey refused, WHY? Smile I then suggested that maybe next time they should keep their opinions to themselves.

wolfhound · 03/03/2011 16:19

Though sometimes the kindness of passers-by is quite nice. DS fell over and bumped his head in a shop the other day. Cue loud wailing. An old man squatted down, pointed to a crack in the flooring a couple of yards away, and said 'Look! Your head is so hard that it cracked the floor!' DS started laughing, and has been boasting about his 'hard head' ever since. I thought that was rather lovely of the old man. Different situation to yours though.

NoWayNoHow · 03/03/2011 16:20

D'S is 3, just. Not his normal pattern of behaviour to be QUITE so badly stroppy as he has been these last couple of days, he is just poorly and tired. Bit like me, which is also possibly why I just couldn't hold my tongue today.

OP posts:
princessparty · 03/03/2011 16:21

Your DS yelling is probably making their heads ache and their ears bleed and they just want him to shut the fu*k up but are being more polite about it!

Bint of Bohemia wrote' Fortunately my DS is really rude to all the old biddies, he actually roars at them and they wish they hadn't bothered..'

..and that's how those kids on jamie's dream school get their attitude!

VinegarTits · 03/03/2011 16:21

oh just smile sweetly and feel smug that they are closer to death than you are Smile

stream · 03/03/2011 16:23

Why don't you chat to them instead and ignore ds that way?

Ormirian · 03/03/2011 16:24

They could of course yell at you 'to shut that effing child up!' That would have the benefit of directness Grin.

bintofbohemia · 03/03/2011 16:29

I haven't seen Dream School, someone will have to fill me in...

southeastastra · 03/03/2011 16:30

reinforce his behaviour at home - i'm sick of hearing moaning kids atm - there seems to be hundreds of them about - is this a new idea someone has come up with and everyone is trying it??

saffy85 · 03/03/2011 16:32

YANBU- I get this too when DD (who is also 3) starts. Or worse they tell her off for me Hmm Wish they wouldn't. I know they don't mean any harm but they usually make it worse- DD gets crosser and takes it out on me.

NoWayNoHow · 03/03/2011 16:40

southeastastra, I'm dying to hear how you would recommend dealing with a screaming kicking child when out and about? You say "reinforce at home" but clearly I'm not AT home all day?

OP posts:
Unwind · 03/03/2011 16:40

"reinforce his behaviour at home"

toddlers are not stupid - if they work out that tantrums in public get them attention/snacks/whatever they will have more tantrums in public

Fernie3 · 03/03/2011 16:41

I actually like when soeone comes to chat to me if I am having a rubbish day. Not long ago I was dragging the four children around sainsburys, two of them had slipped on the ice on the way so were grumpy/crying - I only went there because our online order had been cancelled because of the weather. I was nearly in tears by the end and an elderly lady came up to me and started chatting to us tellign me that she had 9 kids Grin made me feel less of a pathetic freak!

generally when mine have tantrums out they are in two categories 1.bored so someone chatting to them ends it
2.cant get their own way (i.e sweets etc) someone chatting to them doesnt change thee fact they are not getting it.

VinegarTits · 03/03/2011 16:43

not a new idea SEA no, 20 years ago i did the same with my ds1, you cant treat them one way at home and another way in public, the little bastards will walk all over you if you do

HopeCalvary · 03/03/2011 16:50

An old lady came and told me off when my ds was learning to walk, he was a few paces infront of me in the shopping centre, and I had my eye on him constantly. She told me 'people take them and I musn't leave him on his own'

Whilst I totally understand what she means I knew what I was doing, I wasn't looking at shop windows, I was following his toddle.

Also, my friend and I were in a park, about 12 paces from my toddler who was running up and down a hill. A grandmother was pushing her toddler on a swing and kept looking at my toddler shouting 'Where are you mum's!'

I kept thinking, surely she can here me calling him and going 'yaay' as he goes down the hill.

Anyway he then ran toward the swings so I went to pick him up, she grumbled in his direction and I said 'he's only 18 months'

She said 'Yes and so you should know better, I know what you are like sitting on your arse all day doing nothing!'

She picked up her granddaughter and went over to her husband who looked red in the face. I followed her.

'Excuse me' I said 'I'm sure you're a very good grandmother and that's why you are concered, but you cannot possible judge me like that and say you know I sit on my arse all day doing nothing, you know nothing about me or who I am.'

She turned around and said 'Well I just did!'

And with a strop she walked off, pretty sure she swore.

I think some elderly people are gems, and some are really bitter!

NoWayNoHow · 03/03/2011 17:23

HopeCalvary, wow, she sounds like a charmer!

TBH, I know that they mean well, and old folk seem particularly drawn to children like moths to a flame, but it's just infuriating when they come over as though he's some kind of cherub when they don't realise that he's just ripped my book/broken some crockery/pulled 400 Kinder Eggs off a shelf! Really it should be ME throwing the tantrum! Smile

OP posts:
eaglewings · 03/03/2011 17:31

Is it possible that they think that they are doing you a favour rather than judging?

If they see a child having a strop (rather than crying as they are hurt), they may think, poor Mum, it could be the last straw for her and she needs some support, I'll be a temporary Grandparent and take the strain off her for a few minutes.

Yes, they should ask first, but they think slightly slower than young mums who have to do 25 things at once!

pawsnclaws · 03/03/2011 17:50

Oh come on, they don't mean any harm - would you rather they stood there tutting and scowling? Give the oldies a break!

I have some Russian friends who think it's hilarious that people in this country moan about other people and their attitudes to children - apparently over there it's quite usual for strangers to tell you outright you're a terrible parent/shout at and smack your child. Can you imagine how mn would react to that?!

An old man stopped me today and told me ds3 (2) was "a really bonnie little girl." Even ds3 (dressed in jeans, wellies, and really boyish clothes) looked a bit Hmm at that!

littlebylittle · 03/03/2011 18:26

I do think the ideal is to say nothing. At the time of child crying or stropping there is no mental space or energy left for politeness to onlookers.