Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not want to go to hen weekend...

30 replies

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 15:41

...even though I am the only bridesmaid?

Old schoolfriend asked me to be her bridesmaid, was quite surprised as we fell out for a long time in our 20's - I was going through a difficult time in my life and she just cut me off saying she couldn't handle me and all my issues (I had got pg by unsuitable man and had decided to have a termination which was really upsetting) literally stopped taking my calls day after the termination. She had never been a particularly good or loyal friend tbh. I have since married although obviously she wasn't my BM!

We have been in touch again for about four years, though she lives far away.

Anyway I was so surprised to be asked I said yes. TBH I don't think she has anyone else to ask as all her other friends seem to be work friends.

I am happy to be BM but tbh really cannot face the hen weekend. I have a young family and am still BFing 18 month old and do not relish the thought of an expensive weekend away for four nights which is what this is. I won't know anyone, I don't drink, and cannot afford it. Deposit is now being demanded.Would rather spend the money and time with my family.AIBU?

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/03/2011 15:43

Being a 'hen' is definitely part of the bridesmaid's duty, however tacky, inconvenient or just plain boring. You shouldn't have taken on the BM role if you didn't want to do this.

Ask yourself how you would feel if the situation were reversed?

YABU.

FabbyChic · 03/03/2011 15:44

You aren't being unreasonable, just say that you are still breast feeding, that you cannot afford it and will not be able to go.

Do it, simple enough.

PrincessWellington · 03/03/2011 15:50

Depends, have you let her talk about it for ages without saying that you don't want to go? If so, YABU as you could have put a stop to it before.

If this is the first you have heard of it then say no, today so she knows where she stands

MissVerinder · 03/03/2011 15:52

YADNBU. 4 nights away from home is a big ask for a brestfeeding mum, or any mum with an 18mo for that matter.
The duties of being a BM do not include spending money you can ill afford on an utterly indulgent and ultimately selfish 4 day jaunt for the pleasure of someone else. Maybe one night, but four?

MissVerinder · 03/03/2011 15:52

FYI- I didn't mean indulgent and selfish for you, I meant the bride! Put them flamethrowers awaaaaaay!

PrincessWellington · 03/03/2011 15:55

I would have been gutted if my bridesmaid did this to me actually. But FWIW I would have asked you first what you were up for doing if your attendance was imperative

Rhinestone · 03/03/2011 15:56

I sympathise - having been a BM twice in the last couple of years. I hate hen weekends - the pressure to do outrageous things and probe the 'hen' on their sex life. Yuk yuk yuk.

Having said that, I think you should go but maybe not for 4 nights. Can DH go with you and you all stay nearby?

Original poster
ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:02

Yeah I guess I feel that I don't really owe her anything to be honest, if it was my sister or my best friend I would do everything I could to go. Her colleagues sound awful - one of them is a married man with two kids but 'hilariously' 'shags everything that moves'.

I do try to be a good person so I'm going to go for one night, out of duty only. I do know that the hen is part of being the BM, it's hard to say no to being a BM when asked though even if you feel uncomfortable with it. Well, it was for me.

OP posts:
Rhinestone · 03/03/2011 16:12

Interestingly, one of the times I was a BM I didn't feel I owed the bride anything either. I felt very much like the 'only option'.

The other one was such an utter bitch and bridezilla throughout the whole thing that whilst I'd started out enthusiastic, I ended up feeling very resentful.

None of my best friends have ever asked me to be a BM as two had only little people and one said she'd ask me if she thought I'd enjoy it but she knew that I'd hate it!! Love her!

I think you're doing the right thing by going for a night. Your friend sounds a bit odd to be honest.

Original poster
ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 16:13

Yep that's it in a nutshell Rhinestone, I feel like she's asked me because I'm the only option as she has no other close enough friends.

OP posts:
PaisleyLeaf · 03/03/2011 16:15

yanbu
A night out is one thing, but a weekend......
no, you're quite fine to say it's not doable.

Rhinestone · 03/03/2011 16:18

When you secretly suspect that you're the only option, you actually end up feeling like staff. I was told on the morning of the wedding that I needed to 'sort' some champagne out.

Interestingly I knew the date of the wedding before she asked me to be BM and I'd already decided (for a number of very good reasons, distance and money included) not to even go to the wedding. That's how unclose we were from my perspective.

saffy85 · 03/03/2011 17:44

I would say YANBU but then again I'm my sister's maid of honour later this year and despite this, will not be going to her hen weekend in Brighton as not only can I not afford it, I'll have a 2/3 month old baby by then. In my defence I was planning to go when she said it would be one night somewhere local though.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/03/2011 18:16

YANBU

These hen nights are getting ridiculous. People shouldn't have such expensive hen nights and expect people to go on them unless they're prepared to pay for them.

risingstar · 03/03/2011 18:21

well, shafted.

given that you are bridesmaid but seem to have had no input into arranging the hen night, i would think that it hardly matters if you go or not.

just phone the woman with an excuse now. just do it now and get it over with.

if she throws a fanny fit, offer to stand down as bridesmaid immediately- job done.

pigletmania · 03/03/2011 18:24

I would tell her that you cannot afford to go, one day mabey but not 4 days, and suggest you meet up for a meal with a few of the girls afterwards.

kerala · 03/03/2011 18:26

I think YABU. You are the only bridesmaid therefore you have to go on the hen weekend.

TheArmadillo · 03/03/2011 18:27

4 nights ! for a hen night Shock

tell her to stop being so ridiculous and you'll go to something sensible if she organises it instead

ok maybe you can only say that in your head but at least point out you are still breastfeeding and offer to join them for a meal or one activity or summat.

fatlazymummy · 03/03/2011 18:34

YANBU. There is no law about what a bridesmaid should or should not do. Going on a hen night [or long weekend in this case] is not a legal obligation. If you are unable to attend then just apologise and leave it at that.

TotalChaos · 03/03/2011 18:35

Yanbu, its not a hen night more a hen holiday......

kerala · 03/03/2011 19:25

It is a legal obligation in bride world believe me. If you dont go she will be pissed off so I would factor that into your decision if I were you. I lost a university friend who never spoke to me again because I didnt go to her hen weekend I kid you not. And I had no role in the wedding at all and had been clear from the outset that I couldnt make that date.

If you accept the role of bridesmaid it comes with the job surely.

NellieForbush · 03/03/2011 19:37

4 nights?! ffs thats ridiculous. A night out is obligatory if you're the only bridesmaid, not an expensive trip away.

FetchezLaVache · 03/03/2011 21:07

Kerala, that was totally unreasonable of your friend! In fact, I would say she was no true friend of yours and absolutely no loss. Anyone who breaks a friendship over something so trivial- especially when you had said from the outset you couldn't make that date- is a bit of a wanker, in my book, and in the OP's case, it might turn out to be a good pretext...

rempy · 03/03/2011 21:11

4 days? She is taking the piss. Honestly, it's beyond me.

If she wants a boozy holiday she should go on one.

But to ask everyone else to go on one too is bloody ridiculous.

YANBU. Why do adult women have BM anyway? Except to humilate a mate in a dress that should really be a pair of curtains?

Panzee · 03/03/2011 21:13

Be prepared for her to talk about 'sacking' you on Confetti.com or whatever it's called. :o

Swipe left for the next trending thread