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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think this woman is an insensitive cow and to consider complaining!

43 replies

houseworkwhore · 03/03/2011 15:32

Today me and my mum went to a mother and baby group with my LO (one next week) this is the first group that iv had the confidence to go to in about 6 months as iv recently had a nervous breakdown.

so we get there and LO starts playing with some musical instruments, all was fine and some other babies about the same age came over and started to play with the toys also, now as we all know babies take things from each other and do not share, i am always on the ball and make sure i give the toy back to said child.

This lady who was a 'helper / assistant at the group came and sat with the children and was playing with the instruments, she turned to me and asked if my LO was an only child i replied yes she is to which she said...

Well that will explain why she doesnt share now wont it!!

I was gobsmacked and couldnt quite believe what she had said, there was an awkward silence and my mum set her straight and everything carried on, i feel quite sad by it now!

OP posts:
upahill · 03/03/2011 15:34

A bit tactless maybe but my god we are becoming a nation of complainers!!

If you didn't like you should have resolved it there and then.

MmeLindt · 03/03/2011 15:35

Well, she was insensitive (not to mention plain daft cause at that age even a child with 15 siblings won't want to share).

Try not to take it personally, she did not mean to upset you.

DoingTheBestICan · 03/03/2011 15:35

You should have told her to mind her own business & then ignored her.

My ds is an only child & he will share anything with anyone.

Original poster
houseworkwhore · 03/03/2011 15:35

i probably wont complain but i really dont think someone who works there should be making that sort of comment when she doesnt know the situation of the mother she is commenting to!

OP posts:
flippinpeedoff · 03/03/2011 15:36

complaining? I think you need to grow a thicker skin.

Notalone · 03/03/2011 15:38

upahill - the OP has just had a breakdown and therefore is going to be understandably feeling a bit sensitive and definitely not up for a confrontation or even a polite correction

OP - The lady was very tactless. Unfortunately you will meet people like her on a regular basis who feel they have a right to comment on your child / parenting etc. I know it is hard but try not to worry about insensitive comments like this. I know plenty of children with siblings who struggle to share and it sounds like you had your eye on the situation properly anyway. Be kind to yourself and try to put it out of your mind now Smile

giraffesisonadiet · 03/03/2011 15:38

I think the woman is a bit daft as all children need to learn to share even if they have siblings. In the nicest way I think you are perhaps a bit over sensitive, you seem more upset about it than is perhaps necessary - is it possible this is because of your history? What did your Mum set her staight on?

DoingTheBestICan · 03/03/2011 15:39

You need to learn when to develop your selective hearing,if someone says something to me that i think is a load of bullshit i pretend i havent heard them,then i ask them to repeat it & then i ask them to repeat it again.

They soon know i have heard them but they are spouting shite.

Let it wash over you.

loler · 03/03/2011 15:40

Just think of her as a daft bat and let it wash off you. It sounds like you did everything you could do and if the other parents weren't worried then neither should you be.

And if I was there she would have been in bits over my dc3 who hides things at the end of toddler groups so that no-one else can get them.

walks away muttering to self.....

privategodfrey · 03/03/2011 15:40

She was tactless but couldn't be expected to know about your recent history.

She is probably an unpaid helper, not that it excuses insensitive remarks.

ashamedandconfused · 03/03/2011 15:40

I dont think she meant anything by it and it probably IS easier to teach sharing if the child has plenty of contact with other children ie siblings TBH

however,on the plus side, your Dc probably hasn't learnt to bite or pinch or shove other children either!

poppyknot · 03/03/2011 15:41

Being an 'only' child at not yet one might mean that you still eventually have six siblings.......

Someone has to be the oldest!

LibraPoppyGirl · 03/03/2011 15:44

flippinpeedoff OP has suffered and nervous breakdown and this was the first group she has had the confidence to attend in six months! A bit of a different situation that just needing 'to grow a thicker skin'.

OP I agree with both Notalone and DoingTheBestICan both give good advice.

I really hope that things start looking up for you and that as you manage to get out and about a little more, your confidence starts to grow and you start to heal from this very traumatic situation you have been through.

Thinking of you x

ohIamshafted · 03/03/2011 15:45

Silly woman. Sorry to hear you've been feeling crap. Well done on getting out there and don't let an idiot like that dent your confidence.x

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/03/2011 15:47

My ds (an only) was (and is) generally better at sharing than his friends with siblings, which I put down to him never having had to compete with anyone - his friends have far sharper elbows, iykwim. Of course I'm making a ridiculous generalisation there, as was that of the woman who made the comment to you.

YANBU to be irritated, but YABU (probably) to complain, unless she continues to make daft remarks like that. She's most likely a volunteer so I'd cut her some slack. OTOH being a volunteer doesn't mean you get free reign to make insensitive comments.

Original poster
houseworkwhore · 03/03/2011 15:47

flippin - i am working on the thicker skin thing with my key worker in the crisis team

this sort of thing really puts me off going to the groups i panic the whole hour feels like a whole day. My mum just said to her i doubt its sibblings its just her age

OP posts:
DoingTheBestICan · 03/03/2011 15:47

LibraPoppyGirl thanks,

[preens at being told i give good advice emoticon]

Acanthus · 03/03/2011 15:49

Your mum's comment was perfect - you can remember that and use it another time.

Ormirian · 03/03/2011 15:50

She was wrong, and a little rude, but not insensitive. How could she know your situation.

Sorry she upset you though.

Hullygully · 03/03/2011 15:52

she sounds odd

LibraPoppyGirl · 03/03/2011 15:53

You're welcome DoingTheBestICan you just made me giggle too with your preening emoticon Smile x

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 03/03/2011 15:56

I dunno, Orm. I found comments like that quite hurtful - suggesting ds was spoilt because he was an only. I very much wanted more DCs and was pretty certain it wasn't going to happen so it was a bit of a sore point.

Grumpla · 03/03/2011 15:59

OP - well done for going to the group in the first place. I am a fairly brash sort of person but toddler groups are bloody scary! It's like starting school all over again. I think you're brave to be taking on such a stressful situation and I hope your daughter had a brilliant time (that is why we put ourselves through it after all!)

Some people are just arses. Judgemental, thoughtless, ignorant, tactless - even nice people have their moments!

I think if you complain now you will end up feeling worse as she will be dismissive / defensive. Instead, why not build up a little stock of responses to use in situations like this? Phrase like "it's interesting that you see it that way, I think it is more like X" are really useful as they signal your disagreement in tactful way. You give the other person room to think again about what they have said and how it might have affected you, without you having to be aggressive, or visibly upset. You don't spend the next few hours / days stewing, thinking 'I wish I had said x'.

Having said that, some people are still just arses. Comfort yourself with the fact that you only have to see this woman once a week. You don't have to like her, just focus on enjoying spending time with your daughter.

KaraStarbuckThrace · 03/03/2011 16:01

The woman is an idiot - most babies don't understand the concept of sharing until they are at least 3!!!

I still wouldn't complain though I can understand why you would be upset at her comment. Please don't let her put you off. Try and talk to some of the other mums next time you go - they probably thought she was an idiot too Grin

VinegarTits · 03/03/2011 16:06

fuckoff and die would have been my default answer, ignore stupid woman

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