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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not understand mil's obsession with "routine"?

37 replies

Moulesfrites · 03/03/2011 09:45

I have a 5 week old ds and I feel now that we are getting along quite nicely, but feel slightly undermined by my mil constantly banging on about routine. Do all mil's do this? Is it a generational thing? I don't even understand what she means by this, can someone explain?

To me it seems like putting extra pressure on myself to have stuff done by certain times and then feeling like a failure if I don't. To me I would rather go with the flow and take cues from my baby. If I was to follow a routine and he was to wake up hungry an hour before he was supposed to, what am I supposed to do, make him wait? I just don't get it, it's not as if my ds can tell the time.

I must admit I am looking forward to when the cluster feeding all evening settles down and ds has a proper bedtime, but I think this won't be for a while yet as he is only 5 weeks old? Aibu to think this?

OP posts:

valiumredhead · 03/03/2011 09:46

I think 'back in the olden days' yes, babies were made to wait for their feed. every 4 hours and no 'giving in.'

Just do what makes you and your baby happy :)

trialiad · 03/03/2011 09:50

Ignore her. Routines are wonderful things at 6months plus. For a 5 week old, just go with the flow.

Pagwatch · 03/03/2011 09:53

Tbh it depends how she does it. I may be that she recalls settling into a routine with her baby/ babies being a positive thing and thinks she is being supportive.

Just tell her that you are enjoying just responding to your baby and that it would be really nice if she didn't keep stressing routine as she is inadvertently freaking you out.

I think the idea of routine suggests 4 hour feeds etc. But my mum talks about routine to but just in a comfort style way.. That when your baby starts to settle into a pattern of behaviour it makes life easier. The anguished posts on here from mums who have a baby toddler that has dropped a nap shows that this does have some truth.

I guess it depends if she is encouraging you to settle into babies patten or impose your routine on baby. If that makes sense.

Try not to assume she is being a dragon. She may be trying to support you

MissVerinder · 03/03/2011 09:53

YADNBU. It's old school. Just ignore her!

Knackeredmother · 03/03/2011 09:53

I never understood this either. We have never had a routine, just followed my instincts and gone with the flow and I have 2 of the happiest, sociable independent children I know.
My friends all have routine and follow 'the rules' and think I'm mad but you do what is right for you and learn to ignore everyone elses opinion of your parenting.

Squitten · 03/03/2011 09:54

Definitely a generation thing. FIL was telling me how his mother used to leave him and his sister in another room with the door shut to scream while they waited for the next allotted feed :(

Your LO is very young for worrying about all that yet so just carry on as you are

curlymama · 03/03/2011 09:58

Say to her, 'thanks for your advice, I'll think about it'.

Then ignore what she has to say, apart for anything you agree with or like the sound of.

This is your baby, you have to look after him, and only you know what is best for the two of you.

Her methods may have been perfect for her and her babies, that does not mean they will be right for you and yours.

elvisgirl · 03/03/2011 10:09

Just tell your MIL you are doing baby-led routines! 5 weeks is quite early for routines anyway unless you are into some ultra-controlling parenting regime. We began very roughly at around 6-8wks with getting a daily bath in at a time we wanted to treat as the end of the day going into night. We had to experiment to get the timing right.

Presumably you are doing some sort of vague baby-led routine anyway, ie baby wakes hungry so is up for a feed, then a bit of awake time and after a bit down to sleep again. Eventually this will get into a pattern of up for roughly the same time each day-time awake period (1.5-2.5hrs is roughly the envelope) and evolves into three naps during the day and with any luck babe will begin to recognise night-time is for sleeping for longer periods!

babybythesea · 03/03/2011 10:09

You might find a routine develops naturally anyway. I did everything on demand, but by about 2 months I knew when my dd was likely to feed, sleep etc - she developed her own schedule. The only thing I did was to try and have the same patterns of activities in place, so bedtime was/is not at the same time every night but is always marked by a bath - did that right from a few weeks, even though at that stage it was followed by bringing her back downstairs for lots of cluster feeding. But when we came back down, we did a lot less interacting, had lights down low and were quiet, to try and establish the distintion between day and night.
Having a routine is a bit easier, but I'm not convinced about imposing it, certainly not yet as he's still very young. Most of my friends did everything in a sort of baby-led way, feeding when they were hungry etc, and we all found that the babies had fallen into their own routines by a couple of months. (Now she's a bit older, I do a bit more imposing a routine, but even then it's very loose - for example I try to have lunch between 12 and 2 depending on what we're doing that day, when she woke, when she ate breakfast etc, rather than at a set time, and the same with bedtime. It works for us. Doesn't mean there are no rules - she must sit down to eat for instance, but I'm not rigid in terms of timing everything)
Also, one of the midwives in hospital during a late night chat with me when dd was 2 days old told me he wasn't convinced by routines for very little babies - he felt that in his experience that if you left them to cry, they tended to be more unsettled because they are learning that their needs are not always met, and the world becomes a more uncertain and scary place. A baby who is demand fed learns that the world is a lovely place to be, where they receive the care they need, and tend to be happier and more settled as a result. I don't know how true that is but I'm thinking a midwife has some experience in this, and it certainly proved true for us.

breatheslowly · 03/03/2011 10:15

Ignore - your baby will probably settle into a pattern of his own which will then develop as he grows. He will also feel really secure if he knows that his needs will be met as they arise.

chandellina · 03/03/2011 10:21

YANBU
IMO routines don't really take shape until 6 months or later. MIL needs to be gently reminded that you are going to be making your own parenting decisions, that you appreciate her input but are making your own way.

Tryharder · 03/03/2011 10:27

Routines are for the benefit of mothers not babies! As others have said, your baby will find his own routine in his own time. People will tell you that a lack of routine = chaos but it's not true. Routines are dangerous for breast fed babies in the early stages if you want my honest opinion as they will affect your milk supply.

This whole 4 hour thing was invented by formula companies. My mother used to go on about it until I wanted to smack her. She has now been educated . People who leave young babies to cry until it's time for the next feed are ignorant at best and fucking cruel at worst.

OP, you need to nip this in the bud. Tell her that the whole 4 hour thing is outdated and cruel. The wife of a friend of ours did a strict 4 hour feeding schedule with a breastfed baby and when I saw the baby at 3 months old, I had a face like this: . He was so skinny and wizened with legs like chicken drumsticks (he had been a large baby at birth) but because it was her third baby, he had been overlooked by the HVs. I think eventually a HCP told her she has to put him onto formula/early wean.

You sound like you are doing really well, OP.

pommedeterre · 03/03/2011 10:35

My MIL was like this - when's she due her next feed? When does she nap? I always felt stupid as I never knew the answer.
DD developed her own routine at about 4 months and so I just went with that one. Until then - no idea!

wigglybeezer · 03/03/2011 10:47

I think having a bedtime routine is worth cultivating, but if this is your first you don't need to have a strict feeding and nap routine (I didn't) but... when you are on to baby number two or three a set time for naps and feeds makes it a lot easier (DS2 and 3 were surprisingly amenable but it was tricky for me to remember what i was supposed to be doing when etc. at first) to manage looking after the needs of other children. a routine tends to happen in that case anyway, you just can't feed and walk to school at the same time so the baby has to wait, or Dad does bath so that you can do bedtime story for example.

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 03/03/2011 10:48

Thanks so much for the advice. I just need to build the confidence to do it my way and ignore her I think. I know she is just trying to be helpful but it feels like she is being judgemental sometimes. Ifi had followed her advice to feed every 4 hours I think I would have had no milk!

OP posts:

holyShmoley · 03/03/2011 11:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 03/03/2011 11:42

OP-I didn´t think that a routine had ever really been recommended with bfeeding?

Not sure I ever really got into a routine tbh.

They fed when they wanted & napped when they needed to!

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 03/03/2011 11:45

Yes, that is whAt confuses me diddl- he breast fed get 3 DVD in the 1980s, but seems to think ds should go for 4 hours, so don't know how she managed to bf, unless she is just remembering when they were a bit older and went for longer?

OP posts:

Original poster

Moulesfrites · 03/03/2011 11:47

SorrY, iPad autocorrect completely messed that up! Should say she breast fed her 3 Dcs ...

OP posts:

pranma · 03/03/2011 11:48

I am a fairly old m-i-l [66] and I feel that with babies under about 8 months you let them dictate times for food and sleep-they know when they are hungry/tired and you will just set up frustration and later confrontation if you dont meet those needs.At 5 weeks only mum and baby know what is required.

diddl · 03/03/2011 11:52

I think also the 4hr thing only works if you get them to take the full ff.

Also-and I might be wrong here-bmilk is more easily digestable & baby won´t go four hrs between feeds initially as they can´t take enough.

teenyanne · 03/03/2011 11:54

Pretty much all MIL's (and mothers for that matter) probably have an opinion on how babies should be raised. Doesn't mean you need to listen to them.

I pretty much followed what I thought my dd needed at 5 weeks, although we did "routine" things, like a bath before bedtime, and settling things before naptime rather than any sort of feeding routine. But this more came around because I learned when she was tired etc and could start following a pattern. Not so that I could force her into a routine, more just that she would learn what to expect. Although the naptimes are still an issue 14 months on, bed time is the easiest time of the day.

notyummy · 03/03/2011 11:54

Yes, definitely a generational thing - although I would just explain briefly that you will develop a routine a 'bit later' and then quietly ignore. She could come in handy so don't fall out! My MIL was actually v supportive (as was mum - I was v lucky) because she had vivid memories of the midwives in hospital taking her first away from her and only bringing her back for a feed every four hours, even though she spent hours screaming in the hopsital nursery . She had four in all and said she was lot more savvy for the others!

I did have a little routine around bedtime at this age...but certainly nothing during the day, and she was never not fed/comforted if she cried.

swanriver · 03/03/2011 12:02

Just met cousin (with baby no 2) and SIL with baby no 1. Both 7 weeks. Cousin (with routine) seemed much more stressed than SIL no routine (except putting baby down for night at 7.30pm - baby slept through too!) No special nap time, no expectation of anything happening at any particular time and baby doing extremely well!

Enjoy your baby in these first few weeks, don't stress about what she should be doing...a routine may come later (if it suits you) but for now there is no need if you and baby enjoy each other's company.

starfishmummy · 03/03/2011 12:03

I think we all develop routines even if we don't call them that; so when DS was a baby the routine went around what time he woke up, needed feeding etc. Of course what your MIL really means is that you don't follow HER routine.

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