To not understand mil's obsession with "routine"?

[Moulesfrites]

I have a 5 week old ds and I feel now that we are getting along quite nicely, but feel slightly undermined by my mil constantly banging on about routine. Do all mil's do this? Is it a generational thing? I don't even understand what she means by this, can someone explain?

To me it seems like putting extra pressure on myself to have stuff done by certain times and then feeling like a failure if I don't. To me I would rather go with the flow and take cues from my baby. If I was to follow a routine and he was to wake up hungry an hour before he was supposed to, what am I supposed to do, make him wait? I just don't get it, it's not as if my ds can tell the time.

I must admit I am looking forward to when the cluster feeding all evening settles down and ds has a proper bedtime, but I think this won't be for a while yet as he is only 5 weeks old? Aibu to think this?

I looked after SIL's baby for one morning, and it was quite funny because I of course said things like when does she sleep, when does she need her next feed (she was breastfed, but I was feeding expressed milk while SIL out), and poor SIL looked blank - I think routines were invented so that other people could look after your children successfully. I think when you are the mother you become quite good at instinctively knowing what the baby needs, even if that just means being very responsive and not at all set in what you expect...

Starfish very good point.

The idea of a bedtime routine interests me - cluster feeding seems to get in the way of this - if we put him down at 7.30 I think I would just be running up and down the stairs all night until he stoles at about 10? And also, I know people use bath time as a signal for bed, but we have been told not to bath him every night, and both dh and I had childhood eczema and I am worried bathing him everyday could cause problems.

Moules - everyone does it differently, and what worked for me may not do for you. We did use a bath, but appreciate you might not want to do that daily. Other nighttime cues can be a gentle massage before final feed, a certain type of music (we used this really successfully with daytime naps when she was slightly older - stick the 'sleepytime music' on an ipod next to her and after a few days she went down without a fight.)

Basically we did bath, massage and into sleepsuit and then looonnngggg feed in very dim lighting whilst swaddled. Put in cot and then left....as soon as she cried we took it in turns to go and sit in the dark (fun, fun...but it only lasted for a few days) and soothe her (pick her up and tap on back seemed to work for her.) If she was rooting for more then I would go up and feed again. I guess we were trying to introduce the concept of nightime being time for sleep without leaving her to cry or anything like that. I remembered reading the phrase 'boring them to sleep for the nighttime hours' and that was the aim!! It took a fair few nights (5/6/7) until we were only going upstairs once a twice in an evening, and only popping in for 5 minutes to settle her. She still got a big feed at 1030pmish. I also used to feed a LOT during the day - at the slightest sign - using the 'tank them up so they sleep well' theory.

moules for us the bedtime routine came later. Until about 6 months (hazy memory) I BF and then put down. Then at some point (maybe with teeth?) I changed to BF then teeth then bed. And when they got big enough to look at books it was teeth then look at a book then bed. It just sort of evolved naturally. We don't bathe them every night either - hard water area and ezcema here as well.

The thing about a bedtime routine is it doesn't have to be anything "magic" - it's just doing the same things in the same order. So if you always BF and then cuddle and say the same night night words or sing a little song or whatever it might be - if it's always in the same order - voila! - that's a routine!

It's partly a generational thing and partly a personal preference. Also depends on what is meant by "routine" - loose structure of hideous clock watching?

At such a young age, just do what you feel is right for you and your baby.

Cluster feeding normal and natural for first few months

I would just have my baby with me with lights low in the evening and cluster fed her whilst I watched tv - did it for over three months before more of routine happened and it was wonderful

She's probably just forgotten what having such a young baby is like. My youngest is nearly 12 and I don't remember exactly what it was like.

I never did a bath every night at bedtime. Bedtime routine can be at 10 or 11 for now - you can move it earlier when he's a bit older, if you want to do one. Or just wait until the cluster feeding is over. TBH they won't be forming habits at this age that will still apply when they are 2 - plenty of time to introduce something if you want. But if you want to start now that's fine too.

It can be as complicated or as simple as you like. Just having a cue for bedtime is the important thing. So whether it's an hour of quiet play and then 20 minutes reading stories, with a bath added on 2-3 times a week, or watching the CBeebies bedtime hour, or literally just going upstairs and the final feed in bed or in a specific chair in the bedroom, or letting him turn the light out (when old enough) or looking out of the window and saying goodnight to the street, or a specific song you sing or phrase you say when you put them down.

Well you can get yourself into a routine, which can make your life easier. So you could make sure you were up before your husband/partner and make sure you are showered and dressed before he leaves. That makes you feel much better for the day ahead.

Another I used was to put mine into the bath to the Archers' theme tune and then out again when it finished. That was fantastic when they were toddlers - they would stand up automatically when the theme tune started up again, as though they were standing to attention!

Another was that when the Coronation Street adverts were on, their teeth had to be cleaned. When the theme tune ended at 8pm they had to be be in bed before it finished.

But for a five week old baby, you don't want to go down the old fashioned route of 'It's 10 am, so it must be time for food' - there's no easier way of guaranteeing they're asleep at that time!

moules [reassures] cluster feeding will give way to bedtime - just stay with it for a few more weeks, don't panic and think you shouldn't be cluster feeding atm. I think SIL only cracked "bedtime" at 7 weeks with a few blips after that as well. I too found it magically easier after 7-8 weeks to get bay to settle for bedtime at 7pm, and in the day had no particular routine at all - just fed baby as much as possible and relaxed, visited etc.

Please don't let MIL or anyone else worry you. It is hard with a newish born whether you have a routine or not, it is not the lack of routine that makes it hard, for all that people say.

I don't think DS had a bedtime at 7ish until 7 or 8 months! :)

I might post periodically tearing my hair out over his naps but I have never had a problem with bedtime (except when the naps go wrong). Just go with the flow - you'll know when you feel you want more structure to your day.