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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is my SiL delusional?

56 replies

kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 08:06

She phoned this morning to let DD know that her cat who died last week was being cremated today. DD had already gone to school so I got the full 15 minutes sobbing.
She lives alone, is somewhat eccentric and told me the only thing she had left of the cat were the birthday and christmas cards he had sent her.
I've seen these, they say to Mummy from Patch. I know the cat couldn't write, but just hmmed and ahhhed along.
She is a bit bonkers conkers isn't she?

OP posts:
curlymama · 03/03/2011 10:02

She asked your dd for a condolence card?

That is just plain wierd.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 03/03/2011 10:05

What I find strange is that she has chosen your daughter to do this to.

I had to have my cat put to sleep the other day and it is heartbreaking, but I would not even think to contact my neice (she's 12) to sob at her.

I think that is very odd behaviour and would worry about the effect this woman might have on your daughter.

If she wants a shoulder to cry on, why not yours? Or another adult?

To make demands for emotional support from a child is wrong.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/03/2011 10:08

"I know the cat couldn't write, but just hmmed and ahhhed along." GrinGrin

I can understand her being upset about the cat, I lost one myself. Demanding that you get your daughter out of bed though is out of order. I'm concerned about her seemingly leaning on your daughter for support, it's a bit much for a child.

ChaoticAngelofAnarchy · 03/03/2011 10:09

x posts with Hecate who put it better than I did.

slim22 · 03/03/2011 10:16

what hecate said!

she sounds very lonely and very immature, feel sorry for her but understand your frustration

clams · 03/03/2011 10:21

Sinbu to grieve a pet.

Sibvu to involve your dd in this way. And frankly if she is an adult of average intelligence I wouldn't indulge the pretence that tiddles had learnt English, been to clintons, developed opposable thumbs, found a pen and written a card. I love animals but pretending they're people is as odd as a bucket of piano keys.

clams · 03/03/2011 10:24

Holy Shmoley did you keep a straight face?

Trebuchet · 03/03/2011 10:24

yanbu bonkers but well done you for being nice and not mentioning the cat-writing-cards thing. You get a cup of tea and a chocolate hobnob as a rewardBrewBiscuit

Original poster
kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 10:27

Thanks (dont drink tea and don't like choc). DD adores animals, she's met this cat at the most eight times as we live overseas.
SiL is as mad as cheese, but ridiculously intelligent and thinks that my DD is interested in the cat. DD couldn't give a toss TBH.
I seriously doubt DD will be making a card, she was doing her homework at 8 this morning.

OP posts:
TigerFeet · 03/03/2011 10:28

She's clearly NBU to be devastated at the death of her cat.

But to try to involve your dd so heavily is frankly disturbing, I would be having words in your position. Not on at all. Your dd sounds far more mature than SIL. Why is she fixating on your dd do you think? Really bizarre behaviour.

Last December I saw cards in the shops "from the cat". I offered to get one for dh. He gave me The Look and threatened me with divorce.

Original poster
kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 10:57

I think she focus' on our DD because she is the only child of four siblings. DH is the only one to have bred in the family.
I shall just wait and see whether DD mentions it. I am pretty certain she won't.
The thing that bothers me most is when we move to England, we'll be about 25 miles away from her.

OP posts:
eileenslightlytotheleft · 03/03/2011 11:02

Why don't you be nice and send her a 'thinking of you' card from all of you. Sounds like she needs it and where is the harm?

slim22 · 03/03/2011 11:13

kreecher, good luck

Original poster
kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 11:15

eileen, because, in common with the rest of DHs family, I loathe her.
She is self indulgant and selfish and thinks the world owes her a living.
Frankly I wouldn't piss on her if she was on fire.

OP posts:
Gleekfreak · 03/03/2011 11:20

Oh dear Kreecher, sounds a bit harsh :(

MrsKwazii · 03/03/2011 11:22

I'm getting the impression that you don't like her Kreecher Wink

Being upset about the cat is not unreasonable, but being so insistent on dragging your DD into it is very odd.

iscream · 03/03/2011 11:28

purplepidjin, I am sorry to hear of the loss of your furbaby.
kreecher, I think she should realize we try and protect little ones from grief when possible, and do not call in the middle of the night or before school to sob about a death of a cat. She is not BU to mourn her cat, but is in the way she is relating this to your dd.

Original poster
kreecherlivesupstairs · 03/03/2011 11:29

I am harsh Grin. She really is a drain TBH, everything is about her, her health, her cat, her, her house, her benefits, her, her, her

OP posts:
slim22 · 03/03/2011 11:31

Kreecher that why am an expat for life

purplepidjin · 03/03/2011 12:54

Thanks, iscream. I will point out that the only reason to drag Dnephew into the loss of Mango is because he is three and my pair are the only cats he's ever met - he enjoyed the experience so much, he asked for a Fur Real one for Christmas (it's really really creepy but he adores it). I think your SIL is absolutely bonkers to expect anyone but her to be upset at this!

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 03/03/2011 13:18

anthropomorphising of pets is a bit bonkers but sometimes harmless and even therapeutic for some people.

CoronaAndLime · 03/03/2011 13:31

Ohhhh!

Writes down new, inresting, long word from SmashigNarc with pland to drop it into casual conversation

Ephiny · 03/03/2011 13:38

The thing about the cat writing cards to her is a bit odd, never heard of anyone doing that before! It is really devastating to lose an animal though, I know people say it's only a cat, or dog, or whatever, but if they were your dear friend and closest companion for many years of course you're going to grieve for them. Many people are hit harder by the loss of a beloved cat or dog than by the death or a parent or other close relative.

LionRock · 03/03/2011 13:45

The way I'd look at is is:
Your SIL has had a big life change imposed on her through her pet dying. Life changes can be difficult to adjust to.
Others may not understand how much the cat meant to her, but clearly it was very important to her.
It can be difficult to empathise in this situation - we can all imagine how we'd feel if a family member died so can empathise with others in that situation, but it can be harder to empathise with someone who lost something that we don't value as much as they did.

She's upset because it matters to her. Knowing that someone else appreciates her loss even if they don't feel it personally will probably help her.

FindingStuffToChuckOut · 03/03/2011 14:37

gee I cried loads when my cat died and I hadn't even lived with him for about 8 years (he lived with a good friend after I emigrated). He was cremated by my friend & his ashes are kept in a special wooden engraved box :)

People do get very emotionally attached with their pets you know.

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