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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to tell my abusive ex h that he is not welcome in my new house?

35 replies

humptydidit · 02/03/2011 19:58

Ex h has free access to kids but thinks i am being 'pathetic' because i said that i would prefer it if he didn't come in when he picks them up. aibu?

OP posts:
OnlyWantsOne · 02/03/2011 19:59

no

your family home should feel safe for all of you

bigbitch90 · 02/03/2011 20:00

yanbu

missismonky · 02/03/2011 20:01

yanbu

NotANaturalGeordie · 02/03/2011 20:02

YA def NBU

DaydreamDollyisshrinking · 02/03/2011 20:03

YANBU. My sister has a similar view with her XH, she wants her new house to be a haven and 'untouched' by his presence. Totally understand that.
She wouldn't want to go into his house, which is incidentally, the marital home.... that's a different story!

SuperHans · 02/03/2011 20:03

I am sure you are not BU - BUT - you know it is better for the kids to find a way forward. If he is cleared as safe to see the kids then it is better for them to see the 2 of you being civil.

Vallhala · 02/03/2011 20:14

Absolutely not. I've adopted the same attitude recently - the charmer can make whatever arrangements he wants with my teenaged daughters, provided they check with me that we have nothing pre-booked, but he does NOT come to my door.

Original poster
humptydidit · 02/03/2011 20:14

Super i am not talking about being civil which btw you are right is best in the long run. like has been said i do not want my home to be tainted by him. he has abused me physically and emotionallly for the last 8 years and i wish i never had to see him again but i have to have some contact cos of kids... and it hurts to be called pathetic

OP posts:
pigletmania · 02/03/2011 20:21

YANBU why should you let someone who abused you into your new home, a) he might become violent and put you in a situatin you cant get out b) you dont want your new house tarnished by him. You can be perfectly civil at the doorway, or if he waits in the car whilst you get the kids ready.

MatureUniStudent · 02/03/2011 20:51

How do you handle that door step, hand over? I have tried taking them to the park carpark to hand them over to their father. He still shouts. Does the same at my doorstep and will push the door open. I am tempted to drop in the supermarket carpark each time, however, they are young. I just don't want him at my door ever again.

OhCobblers · 02/03/2011 20:51

god no - YANBU.

my sister's ex wasn't abusive but she still doesn't let him through the front door 'cos she can't stand him!

you can be perfectly civil without letting him into your home. don't compromise yourself.

PonceyMcPonce · 02/03/2011 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

janetsplanet · 02/03/2011 21:35

you need to stand at the door waiting for him to turn up. always have the kids ready and excited to go. as soon as you see the car pull up, rush out with the kids saying 'daddys here, quick, get in the car'

sunnydelight · 02/03/2011 21:44

YANBU. Tell him if he doesn't like it you'll only do handovers outside the local police station in future.

RailwayChild · 02/03/2011 21:46

YANBU

I can't bear the abusive twunt near me. He is never coming in my house ever again. I need to feel safe

Tortoise · 02/03/2011 21:47

my XP has to pick DS's up from outside my gate. He wasn't abusive, i just prefer it that way! We are still civil.

Mists · 02/03/2011 21:49

YANBU! Of course he has no right to come into your house.

If he is continuing to verbally abuse you then I would suggest that he makes his own arrangements to see the DC in a contact centre where you don't have to put up with his shit.

I wouldn't allow anyone else in my life to call me "pathetic" so why should he be able to do that?

janetsplanet · 02/03/2011 21:54

my ex used to walk into my house. At first I let him, as I wanted to be civil for the DC. He would look in the fridge on his way into the living room and I soon put a stop to that. One night when he was dropping them off, he put a foot in the door and I said calmly 'there's no need to come in, the kids are capable of walking to/from the gate themselves'

Rhinestone · 02/03/2011 21:55

Love sunnydelight's idea about the police station.

If he is still verbally abusing you when he picks the kids up then I would consider going back to your solicitor / informing SS. He is not allowed to do that. Could you ask Women's Aid for some advice?

Certainly keep a log of all these occasions.

LessNarkyPuffin · 02/03/2011 22:20

'I would prefer it if he didn't come in'

You can just tell him he is not coming in. You don't have to listen to his nasty attempts to make you feel inadequate. You don't have to have him inside your home Smile

zukiecat · 02/03/2011 22:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snorbs · 02/03/2011 22:38

I used to let my ex in. I had reason to regret that choice. Now my ex doesn't set foot in my home and I much prefer it that way.

Original poster
humptydidit · 03/03/2011 06:02

thanks ladies. i know i am not pathetic but it still hurts to hear it. i like the police station idea too! glad to hear i am not alone in this :)

OP posts:
iscream · 03/03/2011 06:29

YANBU! Your home,your rules. He has no power regarding your home. He is an a**, and is the pathetic one, abusing a woman.

legoverlil · 03/03/2011 06:56

He knocks, you bring the kids to the door, he goes. That simple.