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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be devestated at what DH said?

38 replies

SeeJaneKick · 02/03/2011 17:17

I've put on a bit of weight over winter. I am usually a size 12....I struggle with my stomach as have had 2 c sections and it's weak. I have had virus after vius ovr winter and a only just eeling better....I am now a size 14 and my stomach is swollen with water retention...looks fat. I hate being like this as before having DC I as a size 8 to
10.

But I am okwith a size 12....I'm 38 and probably need to work out more...all I do is walk.

Anyway...DH was hugging me....he was feelng my stomach and said "Are you sure you're not pregnant?"

And I was like ...no....It's water retention...I hate him touching me there as its sensitive afer 2 sections and I old him to get off...feeling self consious.

Anyway...he was getting ready to go out and hesaid "I like you with extra padding it' sexy"

And I said "Am I fat?" and he said "A bit....a bit porky"

I was SO upset. I had anorexia as a teenager and it took till mymid twenties o gt over it..I was very very thin....and I still struggle alittle with myself..but I can at least eat now....in public and so on...but now I am so upset he called me fat.

I'm 5 6" and size 14....it's not that I am FaT....I see that...I have extra weight and a weak stomach...so it looks flabby.

I am SO mad at him and myself.

OP posts:

FlamingOBingo · 02/03/2011 17:18

Don't be mad at him. He must know that you'd be worried about it, and wanted to reassure you that he still fancies you. He was trying to be kind, and it's bloody difficult to do that when it comes to women's size.

Hollycatt · 02/03/2011 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

apple99 · 02/03/2011 17:22

From what you have said he didn't call you fat, you did, he called you sexy!!

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 02/03/2011 17:23

He called you sexy and you're upset?

Sorry, I'm not unsympathetic, I have a friend who's had anorexia most of her life and I know how difficult she finds it when she's getting healthy and gaining weight, but please don't be mad at your DP.

Grumpystiltskin · 02/03/2011 17:23

My boss told me I was looking porky

Remember men don't have brains like us, it's not their fault. They just have all their equipment in the wrong proportions. I would tell him he had offended me if my hubby did that but I wouldn't have a big sad on.

madonnawhore · 02/03/2011 17:23

Sounds like he's still hot for you, but you're not so hot for yourself right now :(

It's obviously an emotive subject for you and maybe he approached it in a bit of a clumsy way but I think he was trying to give you a compliment and let you know he found you attractive. That's good right?!

activate · 02/03/2011 17:23

he called you sexy

and you have problems?

you need to sort your head out lady and realise when you're being loved!

WincyEtNightie · 02/03/2011 17:27

I don't think what he said is particularly offensive in itself. He started with a nice - unsolicited! - compliment after all. I Many women would love to have a DH that did that.

However assuming he knows about your previous eating disorder then it was fairly thoughtless.

Please don't be devastated.

BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:28

he sounds lovely. and i am being serious. this man told you you are sexy, he finds you attractive. what is there to be devastated about?

if YOU aren't happy with what you see then change it, but he has not made you feel like this.

ScarlettWalking · 02/03/2011 17:29

He likes your body! He called you sexy that is a huge compliment. Dh never says this to me anymore I would be thrilled if he did.

AgentZigzag · 02/03/2011 17:30

Like you I've had two c-sects and I'm 39, and if my DH said what yours said, I wouldn't have heard the sexy bit either.

Porky? Extra padding?

It's not what I'd call being loved.

DH wouldn't have mentioned it in the first place, and if he did bring it up (even with the tacked on 'sexy' disclaimer) I would have been upset too.

Nagoo · 02/03/2011 17:32

He was trying to be nice.

He loves you.

I'd go and explain that you are not feeling too confident about yourself, that you realise you are being sensitive and you are sorry for getting upset. If indeed you are by now.

have another hug.

BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:34

but AZ being porky or having extra padding is something you have told yourself is not attractive. your DH (or OP's) may prefer porky/extra padding to size 10 with nothing to hang on to. just because you don't find 'porky' attractive, doesn't mean it isn't a compliment coming from him.

Nagoo · 02/03/2011 17:34

He didn't mean to bring it up I don't think, it sounds like a 'opened mouth before thinking then dug hole explaining self' scenario.

i really think he will be :( to have upset you.

Bogeyface · 02/03/2011 17:35

And I said "Am I fat?"

There is no right answer to that question! Give the guy a break! If he had said no you would over analyse and then accuse him of lying. If he had said yes you would hit the roof. As it is, he admitted you have put on weight but that he prefers you that way.

He said he preferred you with a bit more meat on you as he finds that sexy. My DH is the same, he hated me being size 10 and asked me to put weight on again. Its a good thing! Better that than he say that you are putting on weight and he doesnt fancy you because of it, that would be devastating.

EmmaBGoode · 02/03/2011 17:36

Porky!!! What a horrible word. I would massively take offence to that. Having said that, I think he was paying you a compliment. He was saying you are sexy. In a kind of Marilyn Monroe way, I guess.

chipmonkey · 02/03/2011 17:37

Actually, I can see why OP is upset. Yes, he did call her sexy in the first place and yes SeeJaneKick you should remember that! but he really needn't have followed it up by calling her porky! Especially if he knows she has a history of anorexia.

MikeHock · 02/03/2011 17:38

He sounds really lovely and he doesn't seem to have a problem with the fact that you have gained a little weight.

Sometimes men are not as tactful as us girls.

Don't be mad at him .

Bogeyface · 02/03/2011 17:39

In a kind of Marilyn Monroe way, I guess.

The way you put that sounds like more of an insult that "porky"!

AgentZigzag · 02/03/2011 17:39

DH would know that if he called me porky, he'd get a swift kick in his porky Booy.

He'd not called me it, because it isn't nice/flattering/a loving remark.

He knows that, I know that, and if he thought I was touchy about my stomach (which I'm not as I've had two c-sects and the payment of a non flat stomach was well worth it) then he'd doubly keep it to himself.

yama · 02/03/2011 17:39

Agree with EmmaBGood - don't like the word 'porky' but that overall he was giving you a compliment.

BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:39

the word porky isn't the best he could have chosen, i accept that but his intentions were good.

BluddyMoFo · 02/03/2011 17:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cloudydays · 02/03/2011 17:40

I'm with the majority on this: he was trying (if failing) to reassure you.

Like yourself and AgentZigzag, I would have been hurt too, because I'm sensitive about my weight, and because "porky" isn't a very nice thing to be called.

But AZ, "It's not what I'd call being loved" is a huge and unfair leap or make, however ill-thought-out the DH's comments were. Surely you don't think you're in a position to determine whether OP's husband loves her?

Implying, on the basis of one recounted conversation, that a stranger (who is already feeling down, self-conscious and hurt) isn't loved by their own partner is far more thoughtless and cruel than anything the OP's DH said.

Original poster

SeeJaneKick · 02/03/2011 17:41

Thanks everyone...he's back now and was nice to me...even though I'd freaked. I feel better...he genuinely seems to like the flesh! Which I find hard to fathom....I worked in the entertaiment industry and to me my weight is diectly associated with how good I look in clothing...I don't care what I look like naked...or how it feels to DH

He seems to like it....I'll have to get over myself.

OP posts:

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