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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's a bit mad to let a child choose their secondary school?

41 replies

Dancergirl · 02/03/2011 14:30

My oldest dd is in Year 5 so we are starting to think about/look at secondary schools. It seems to be these days that the child has a big say in which school he/she goes to.

I went to secondary school in 1983 and I'm sure in those days your parents chose your school! I don't even remember going to many open days.

10 is very young to make, or even help make, such an important decision. And even if a child likes or dislikes a particular school, parents often know better and have the maturity to look ahead into the future. I imagine many children will be impressed with facilities/extra curricular activities etc and whilst these are important, a child really wouldn't be interested in exam results or, ultimately, the quality of teaching.

Parents know their children best of all so they are best qualified to know which school would suit their child. After all, parents choose a primary school without any input from the child so why wouldn't the same apply?

OP posts:

pinkhebe · 02/03/2011 14:33

Well I'm not sure you could send your child to a school they disliked! But luckily it more likely that you'll dislike the school rather than your child.

We looked around the schools that he was likely to get in, unfortunatly we don't have a choice in Brighton, it is a lottery.

valiumredhead · 02/03/2011 14:34

Seems to happen here too, lots of my friends talk about their kids choosing one school over another - we didn't let ds in on any decision making. We chose the school best suited for him. He gets into a tizzy about what to spend his pocket money on let alone chose which school to go to!

lazylula · 02/03/2011 14:36

I went to secondary school in 1986ish and there was no real choice then anyway, just this is the school you will be going to, but I did go with my mum to the open evening and made visits. Now there is more choice and I think the idea is to involve the child, but that doesn't mean that the child actually has a say, the final decision falls on the parent who fills aut the form, they may choose to take their child's views into consideration, but then again they may not.

fifthpie · 02/03/2011 14:36

For me much depends on the child and their level of maturity. I went to secondary school in 1987 and my parents let me choose. I was perfectly capable of making a rational choice and discussing it with them. To this day I have no idea if they agreed with me, I can only assume so. Perhaps it would have been different if they had had their own strong opinions.
I also disagree with your statement that 'a child really wouldn't be interested in exam results or the quality of teaching'. Children often have insights that adults don't and are sometimes the best to judge the education they receive/want/need.

Imnotaslimjim · 02/03/2011 14:40

My mum let me choose my high school and I have regretted it all my life

I sat the entrance exam to a school with a very high pass rate, and passed. But then told my mum I didn't want to go there as none of my friends were. She let me go to the school I wanted, which was one of the worst in the town, and I left high school with very low exam results. I got very disheartened, and now, at 30, I still have no quals.

When my kids are older I will be making the choice for them

halfcaff · 02/03/2011 14:41

The situation varies enormously across the country, and also depending on your child. Where I live I am very lucky to be in the catchment of an excellent school but also I feel my daughter would thrive somewhere with good facilities and a good ethos/community even if it's not high on the exam tables. (As it is with her primary school - we are very happy and she achieves well there despite the intake being 'below average' according to Ofsted. As it happens, we agreed on the choice.
My parents were keen for me to go to a private girls' school and I was horrified. Of course I wanted to stay with my friends at the local (v academically impressive) comp. I did alright and don't regret my decision. We played hockey against that school and I thought they were terribly stuck-up! Who could say what might have happened, maybe I'd be a brain surgeion if I'd gone there, but I doubt it! I think unless the dc's choice seems bonkers for some particular reason, it's reasonable for them to have a say in the decision.

pinkhebe · 02/03/2011 14:41

I think you have to be a bit savvy though, if I really didn't like dc's choice, I wouldn't put it as a preference (but not tell them)

LIZS · 02/03/2011 14:44

They have to have some input if they are interested enough. After all they are the ones having to go every day ! I can't imagine not involving dd (9) at all and she would look beyond the surface. If the choice makes only a marginal diffenrence academically and socially then their attitude towards it is key. ds would not have been happy at some of the alternatives we had.

GrimmaTheNome · 02/03/2011 14:46

It would be mad to let a child choose the secondary school alone, but not mad to let the child have input into the decision.

We looked at quite a few schools - we came down to two which DH and I were entirely happy with so when it became apparent that DD had quite a strong preference for one we went with that. This has helped her have a very positive attitude to the school from day 1 - some things which we thought might be an issue (e.g. long bus journey, early start) she hasn't whinged about at all.

We did make some things clear from the outset of the process - such as that the destinations of her primary classmates was not an important consideration.

gorionine · 02/03/2011 14:46

I think it is good to get the children involved in their education. Maybe not giving them the actual deciding vote but keeping them in the loop.
When we visited high schools with DD1, one of them I found awful and so did DH. I cannot tell you how relived I was when DD1 said she hated it too.

Eventually, the third school we saw got our vote. Note because of exams results but because it had a fantastic feel to it. It happens that it was the last one on our list when we first heard of it because it had kept a bad reputation from years ago even though teaching has changed there a lot a few years back with the appointment of a new HT.

I am glad she was involved in chosing it and she is thriving there.

emsyj · 02/03/2011 14:48

My mum let me choose - but I had a choice of two, one of which was a (free, state-run) grammar school, the other a fee-paying selective school. So a choice of two very very good schools.

Agree it depends on the maturity of the child, but also on the choices available IYSWIM.

EleanorJosie · 02/03/2011 14:48

I think it's less usual now. Where we lived there was a choice of two local schools, or the fee paying grammar, and there was no question of the latter, so I said I just wanted to go where my friends were going and my parents were happy to go along with that. This was 1987. I had different friends after two weeks though :)

Nowadays I'd probably take a more active role than my parents did, but say if my daughter really didn't want to take the Kent Test I wouldn't make her, nor would I force her to apply for a school she was really unhappy about going to. I think it needs to be a joint effort.

mmsmum · 02/03/2011 14:49

I thought I had posted on this thread already but it was another one this morning, everyone seems to be going through the same thing

cinnamonswirls · 02/03/2011 14:50

lol are you my lovely friend Dancergirl? If you are we had a conversation about my ds 10 choosing where he wants to go a few weeks ago in your office.

Anyway I wasn't asked and had a hell of a time at school which my dps admit looking back if they had only reversed the choices for me and my db.....

I do ask my ds about it and listen to his reasons for his choice but I also know the pros and cons of the 3 (without moving) schools he could go to and believe that where he wants to go is also best for him.

If he was a different child - eg needing motivation or academic support, or lacking confidence, or not such a good communicator or ...... I would be choosing for him. Also if he doesn't work well at the school he wants to go to (which is the nearest comp but has a good academic record) he will find that he is moved and choices will be made for him.

As it is if his choice = my choice well he can have ownership!

webbygeek91 · 02/03/2011 14:53

Hmm. Its funny because when I was at secondary school (early 2000s) I didn't go to any open days at all shock horror.

However my parents chose what they thought at the time was the best school for me at the time (and it was in the top ones in the area at the time), however a year on the head retired and EVERYTHING went downhill, I was severely bullied and the school went into Special Measures.

However, at sixth form I went to 4 open evenings that I had organized myself and the last one that we went to that I had dragged my parents to they were really tired and we almost didn't go, and I persuaded them to give the school 10 minutes of their time, and all of us loved the ethos, the exceptional state school exam results (almost 90% A-C when my old school was 39%), Outstanding ofsted, specialist expertise for people with my condition and one of the first paperless Sixthforms/specialist IT (Now doing a Web Design degree).

That was the one I applied to, it had 24 places at the time and 350+ came to the open evening. I got in.

curlymama · 02/03/2011 14:54

I was given a choice between a private and a state. I chose the private, I made the right choice, and the one my parents wanted.

But I have a sneaky suspision that if I'd chosen the state, they would have found some way to put me off.

SnowIsFallingOnLee · 02/03/2011 14:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OutOutLetItAllOut · 02/03/2011 14:54

we had the choice of 4 schools, oh and i took 1 out the equasion cause we didnt like it. the other 3 all have very similar ofsted reports, and grades etc. so we visited the 3 and let him choose which one he was most happy with.
making a child go to a school you like and they hate seems like a recipie for a horrible situ for the child.

Original poster

Dancergirl · 02/03/2011 14:55

lol are you my lovely friend Dancergirl? If you are we had a conversation about my ds 10 choosing where he wants to go a few weeks ago in your office

Eh?? Don't think so, I don't have an office

Hmmm, I suppose it would depend on the child's reasons. I just think, as parents, sometimes we have to make choices for our child that may not be popular initially but will be good for them in the long run. At the moment, my 9 year old's motivating factor is if the school has a swimming pool (she's a keen swimmer). And that's fair enough, the swimming might take off and I would take that into consideration (she did also ask if a school had an ice-rink lol!)

OP posts:

webbygeek91 · 02/03/2011 14:58

Can I add I chose the state sixthform over our local grammer (selective). Guess which one performs better.

Kewcumber · 02/03/2011 15:01

there was a choice of secondary schools in 83? Blimey - showing my age but in 76 it was one school.

Not sure you can compare 5 with 11! Surely an 11 yr old has the ability to have an input into the deciion making process - to explain why they want a certain school and for you to be able to reason with them of their reasons are bonkers.

schroeder · 02/03/2011 15:03

No choice for me when I went to secondary school which I think was a better system.

With DS we let him choose because we live in an area where all the schools are pretty good and because he is academically bright but very shy so for him we felt he couldn't make a bad choice IYKWIM.

VivaLeBeaver · 02/03/2011 15:04

I let DD have the choice between 2. They're both good, one slightly better than the other. But the slightly better one is further away (19 miles as opposed to 8) and if she went she's be the only one from the village going there.

So we talked about the pros and cons of each school and she had a good think and went for the nearer one.

Ormirian · 02/03/2011 15:04

"After all, parents choose a primary school without any input from the child so why wouldn't the same apply?"

because s 4yr old can have no opinion about something they have never experienced.

I think that parents should have the ultimate veto because perhaps they have the bigger picture in mind. That doesn't mean that the children don't have a say. We made out eldest go to a secondary school that neither of them favoured to start with and it turned out to be a huge success. But if there had been 2 school we were happy with and they favoured one we'd have gone with that. They are the ones who have to be there!

Sirzy · 02/03/2011 15:08

I think it's wrong not to give them a say. They are the ones who will have to go there for 5 years so it should be a family decision.

I was given the opportunity to apply for a scholarship to a local private school - at 10 I was mature enough to know that wasn't what I wanted, when I explained my parents supported me and agreed. We narrowed it down to 2 schools and in the end I went to the one I preferred, the decision was made together and none of us regretted it.

Strangely I ended up at the school my parents had as last choice initially until open days etc and how I felt in each school.

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