Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To think it's a bit mad to let a child choose their secondary school?

41 replies

Dancergirl · 02/03/2011 14:30

My oldest dd is in Year 5 so we are starting to think about/look at secondary schools. It seems to be these days that the child has a big say in which school he/she goes to.

I went to secondary school in 1983 and I'm sure in those days your parents chose your school! I don't even remember going to many open days.

10 is very young to make, or even help make, such an important decision. And even if a child likes or dislikes a particular school, parents often know better and have the maturity to look ahead into the future. I imagine many children will be impressed with facilities/extra curricular activities etc and whilst these are important, a child really wouldn't be interested in exam results or, ultimately, the quality of teaching.

Parents know their children best of all so they are best qualified to know which school would suit their child. After all, parents choose a primary school without any input from the child so why wouldn't the same apply?

OP posts:

cinnamonswirls · 02/03/2011 15:12

Hi Dancergirl - I reckon lots of us Yr 5 parents are chatting about it and thinking how on earth did they grow up SO quick. I just thought you might be as you have the same (exactly) good reasons as my friend and I agree totally except I don't agree for me and ds!

I guess we all want to do the best for our dcs and if it didn't work when we were young we want to try something different.

I'm not really giving free choice anyway as now I've got something to make him stick by - you chose this so you have to be in the top sets/never miss homework/not get into trouble etc being bossy mother No1!

mamatomany · 02/03/2011 15:14

It is very difficult, i'm in the position where my DD doesn't want to stay on at her private school which it's crippling me to pay but the alternatives are not great. I probably will have to be the bad guy and make her go and get to pay through the nose for the pleasure but I will make her if I have to. I'd rather not be in that position though.

Jane054848 · 02/03/2011 15:24

my parents let us choose our schools, but it was between two good ones. I wouldn't let my kids go to a crap school just because their mates were going there but I would let them choose if either choice would be okay. At least then you won't have them screaming at you for choosing such a horrible school if they don't like it...

squeakytoy · 02/03/2011 15:28

Most kids that age will choose the school their friends are going to. Not always the most balanced of thought processes.

A parent should be making the decision, not the child.

I passed for grammar school, but had a hissy fit because I wanted to go to the local comp where all my mates went. I got my own way, and really wish I hadnt. I made friends with the wrong people, and really did get led astray (without much persuasion I may add )

TrillianAstra · 02/03/2011 15:32

I wouldn't simply dismiss a chld's opinion, but parents get the final say.

I had the choice of scholarship to a private school or going to the comprehensive. Went to the comprehensive and don't regret it one bit. This choice was at 12 (for entry into yr 9, private school had an entry at age 13) not 10 though.

PigValentine · 02/03/2011 15:46

I went to two secondary schools that I hated and one that I enjoyed, although by that time I was vulnerable from moving and bad experiences at the other schools and nearly got myself expelled. My mum had a thing for moving us around, I went to 10 schools in total - but that's another story

Given my experience of being very unhappy at a school I didn't want to go to, I think I would let the DS's have a say - although the two closest secondary schools are both fine, if we are still living in the same area, it would be easy for me to let them choose - but it is a long way off yet, DS1 is 4

Obviously we chose his infant school, but he was involved in it - coming on visits, etc. It's only fair, considering he's the one that has to spend all day there!

risingstar · 02/03/2011 15:52

3 tier system here

back in the day when i went to middle/upper school, your parents got a letter saying this is your catchment area school, you need to fill in a form if you DONT want to go there. so most kids, by default, turned up at the nearest school

with my dds- same schools, there seems to be a requirement to critically analyse each of the 4 middle schools and 2 upper schools and debate it endlessly- then send them to the nearest school because all their friends are.

honestly, the results are all very similar.

however, i would not let my dds make the final choice, although would listen to their views

Quenelle · 02/03/2011 16:33

I wish I'd had a choice. I didn't want to go to the one my parents chose. The only reasons for their choice were it was closer and my sister went there.

PrincessScrumpy · 02/03/2011 17:14

Haha, hear this all the time - I guess if you like two schools, dc could choose, but I am a control freak and will be choosing dd's school!

ragged · 02/03/2011 17:34

I underperformed for years at a school that was supposed to be superior, & that my parents insisted on sending me to. My parents dismissed my misery and listened to the school who blamed my problems on me (& not their complete lack of awareness about bullying).

DD (quite bright) will probably attend local high school, because she wants to. In spite of its 30% headline GCSE pass rate 2 years ago. There is no way I could not give DC a big say in which secondary they go to. It always amuses me the way MNetters just assume that their DC could be happy and will work at their best at any school. I could never take that for granted.

thenameiwantedwastaken · 02/03/2011 17:37

I went to sec school in 1994. I thought I had an input on the decision - but I probably didn't! Depends how you spin it with the DC...

And as someone said you know their maturity level etc.

Minda · 02/03/2011 17:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

laosvher · 02/03/2011 17:56

My DC chose their school, I didn't have a preference.

ThistleDoNicely · 02/03/2011 17:56

My parents sent me to the secondary school which had better exam results, but my friends from primary school went to the other school. My mum had worked at both schools as a trainee teacher so argued that she knew the one she sent me to was much better (though I think it was largely snobbery as the other school was in a rather rough area).

My lasting memory of starting high school was standing in the playground in tears every break time because I had no friends. It took me a long time to settle in and in the end I got pretty good exam results and went on to get a 2:1 honours degree in my chosen subject. But I have mental health issues and have been working with a counsellor and identified that that lonliness and isolation as an 11-year-old really shaped the rest of my life, leaving me desperate for acceptance and vulnerable, which led to me being groomed and sexually abused as a young teen and I still struggle with this 15 years later. Extreme example - but I wanted to make the point that the child's wishes may seem less important than league tables, but they shouldn't be dismissed completely.

Oh, and my mum later admitted that I would've been better off going to the other school (not that she knows about the sexual abuse - managed to keep that, and most of the contact with mental health professionals as a result, a secret) because we realised when I got to exam time that the reason for the better results was not better teaching but that it was a more affluent area and about 90% of parents paid for private tutors outside of school. The subject choices were also very limited and in fact my brother left and did his final year (in Scotland so no sixth form college; school up to age 17/18) at a school in a town seven miles away.

CameronCook · 02/03/2011 18:00

I took DS viewpoint into account but tried to encourage him toward the school I felt was best for him

Glitterandglue · 02/03/2011 18:02

I had the choice of three different grammar schools (and probably some comps as well, but since I'd got into the grammars I wasn't considering them). According to my mom, I picked the one I went to as three other people from my school were going there, and no one else was going to the nearer one. (The third was one I would never have picked in a million years then - the first year they took in girls into an all-boys' school.) I hated my secondary school and the emphasis it put on academia above all else, even mental health. Apparently the nearer one was a lot more relaxed, although just as high achieving. And I hardly ended up spending any time with the girls from my school anyway. I think it was madness letting me choose as apparently they knew the other one would be better suited to me.

Having said that, my mom has a habit of rewriting history, so it might be that they made the decision anyway and she's now putting the blame onto me.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread