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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To sometimes really wish I was a man

38 replies

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 13:31

I was reading a thread elsewhere where ladies were very candidly talking about the fact that they regret having children and it made me think. I don't regret having DS at all but I do sometimes feel resentful about how much I've had to sacrifice to have him in comparison to DH. DH is a great dad and really does his share but I can't help feeling a bit that while I have a dodgy pelvis, stretchmarks and sore swollen boobs, he has had to endure no physical changes to have a baby.

He gets to go off to work every day and know that his baby is being breastfed (again with no physical cost to him and a lot of benefit given the fact that it means a lot of the childcare falls to me) and is being looked after by his mum. He gets to have a fulfilling career with no guilt and if he does pitch in with DS (which he does, a lot) he gets praise heaped upon him as if he is god's greatest gift.

I do enjoy being a mum but sometimes I wish I was the dad.

OP posts:

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 13:33

You are so not being unreasonable!

DH and I had a blazingrow heated debate about the very things you are talking about at the end of last year.

NinkyNonker · 02/03/2011 13:34

Really? Maybe I got off lightly but have never resented the additional burden that comes with being female when it comes to babies. That isn't meant in a martyr like fashion, like I say, I had an easy pregnancy etc.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 13:35

What was your DH's view on it bupcakes?

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kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/03/2011 13:36

YANBU. I don't have a career to go back to, but if I did I would feel exactly the same.
I was unable to BF DD so DH could (and did) some of her feeds, but, I did think I got the shitty end of the stick with regard to my health post baby.

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 13:38

My pregnancy wasn't too bad Ninky, it's more the long term after effects that are getting to me. I have horrendous stretch marks on my stomach and boobs and I still find it hard to walk as my pelvis is stiff and sore.

I'll never forget when my mum explained to me about periods - I remember being so pissed off and thinking it was really unfair. I still feel that way now :(

OP posts:

nickelbabe · 02/03/2011 13:39

have you tried kicking him the groin?
that should give him a taste of the sensation you've had.

TheEvilDead2 · 02/03/2011 13:43

ewww yabu.

men sometimes sit on their own bollox

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 13:45

He was understanding about it, Writer.

He's been doing his level best to give me some "me" time, away from being "just mummy" and also being more sympathetic about how much I hate my body and my PND... He's been fabulous. Just a shame it took things to reach a head before I told him

BeenBeta · 02/03/2011 13:45

On the other hand......

You get to be with your baby more than DH ever will and he has the pressre of now being reponsible for providing for you both. You could also in time put the baby with a nursery and go back to work. No one is stopping you as long as you can earn enough to cover the cost.

Why feel guilt when DH doesn't? DW never did and neither should you if a career is what you want.

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 13:48

I think it's about more than a career...

Petsville · 02/03/2011 13:51

YANBU - I really wish I were a bloke. On the health front, I got off fairly lightly, but I still had SPD which left me with pelvic pain for three months after delivery, and have stretch marks and crepey skin so I can't imagine being willing to let DH see me naked ever again. Then although I had no real problems with breastfeeding I got a complete bottle-refusing baby, so I went back to work when DS was 6 months and I'm still breastfeeding round the edges of the working day, which is driving me crackers - I hate it and it's not good for me professionally (am the breadwinner, DH is at home with DS). Occasionally I think how much easier my life would be if I were a man and feel really depressed. However, I don't feel guilty about working, and it's never occurred to me that I should.

Ormirian · 02/03/2011 13:55

I see what you mean but I wouldn't have gone without being a mother for anything. It just means you have to fight harder for what you want.

mmsmum · 02/03/2011 13:55

YANBU

Men don't get pregnant, they don't give birth, they don't have to shave half their bodies, wear make-up, cope with long hair, they don't have to wear bras and wear no more than two items at any one time, they don't get fat, or saggy, they don't get judged for working, or accused or being on benefits, they don't get ripped off at the garage and no-one stares at their breasts, men have jobs that have a home time and home time doesn't mean more work, men don't have smear tests and don't have to wear uncomfortable shoes, men don't feel stressed when the house is a mess and panic when the door goes, men can go to the pub on their own for a quick half and no-one minds they are still there 3 hours later

But, men can walk away from their children and not give a stuff, a woman could never do that and that makes me happy to be a woman (most of the time)

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 14:00

I wouldn't feel guilty about working either petsville if DH was able to stay home with DS but that's never going to happen. It's not that I feel anyone should feel guilty, it's just how I feel.

I know DH feels some pressure from being the breadwinner, but he does realise that it's hard for me being home with DS all day.

As far kicking him in the nuts, I've tried it a few times but I've not heard anything near those scary animal sounds I made when I was in labour. I shall persevere.

OP posts:

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 14:02

Well said mmsmum. Made me :)

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Petsville · 02/03/2011 14:04

But Orm, why is being a mother better than being a father? I wouldn't be without DS, but I'd rather be his father than his mother.

bemybebe · 02/03/2011 14:11

Goodness, I guess I have an absolute angel for a husband. He does absolutely everything in the house at the moment (I am 10wks pregnant and feel a bit 'off') as well as being the breadwinner. He had his own share of troubles (non-gender related) and I supported him 1000% then (whilst keeping a very busy full time job, I was beyond exhausted). It never occurred to me to wish I was a man or a dad.

How come mmsmum you think men can walk away from their children and not give a stuff and a woman could never do that? I do not think so!.. Isn't it because OTHERS find it acceptable?

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 14:34

My mum's mum walked away from her three children, the fucking twat idiot...

Original poster

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 14:38

I think you're missing the point a bit bemybebe. My DH is great and does loads around the house, what I was talking about is the physical and career changes I've had to go through to have DS that he has managed to avoid.

OP posts:

Butterbur · 02/03/2011 14:46

Is it Jewish men who pray "thank you God for not making me a woman"? Or is that an apocryphal tale? .In any event, I am so coming back as a man.

No fear of rape, no fear of domestic violence. No sense of obligation to do any domestic task you don't fancy.

Being an emotional half wit seems a small price to pay.

(apologies to the one or two nice men who might read this)

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 14:48

"No fear of rape, no fear of domestic violence. No sense of obligation to do any domestic task you don't fancy"

Butterbur, I get the feeling you've had shit experiences with men? If that's the case then I am sorry :(

But, men do endure rape and domestic violence, unfortunately.

mayorquimby · 02/03/2011 14:52

yanbu
we're awesome tbf

EleanorJosie · 02/03/2011 14:56

No, I've never wanted to be a man. I think everyone has their crosses to bear.

fluffygal · 02/03/2011 14:59

bemybebe- My SS's mum has walked out on all 5 of her children (left 3 fathers in the past 6 years and is ony 24 so no doubt more to come),lucky they were decent men who took care of their responsibilitie. Women do it too it is much more common then you think.

Ormirian · 02/03/2011 15:00

Not better but different. I got to carry them in my body, I got to feed them. I made 3 little bodies inside my womb! I still think that is an amazing priviledge and I woulden't have missed it for the world.

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