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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To sometimes really wish I was a man

38 replies

WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 13:31

I was reading a thread elsewhere where ladies were very candidly talking about the fact that they regret having children and it made me think. I don't regret having DS at all but I do sometimes feel resentful about how much I've had to sacrifice to have him in comparison to DH. DH is a great dad and really does his share but I can't help feeling a bit Envy that while I have a dodgy pelvis, stretchmarks and sore swollen boobs, he has had to endure no physical changes to have a baby.

He gets to go off to work every day and know that his baby is being breastfed (again with no physical cost to him and a lot of benefit given the fact that it means a lot of the childcare falls to me) and is being looked after by his mum. He gets to have a fulfilling career with no guilt and if he does pitch in with DS (which he does, a lot) he gets praise heaped upon him as if he is god's greatest gift.

I do enjoy being a mum but sometimes I wish I was the dad.

OP posts:
Petsville · 02/03/2011 15:04

Ah, there we differ - if someone had said I could get DH to do that bit, I wouldn't have hesitated for a moment. I didn't feel at all positive about DS till we actually had him: pregnancy was frankly a bit grim, and feeding hasn't been much fun either - the "bonding" moments have all been at times when I wasn't feeding him.

springbokdoc · 02/03/2011 15:06

YANBU. I love being a mom, having my little one sleep on me, being able to settle him better than anyone else. I have a fantastic dh who does so much of the housework and gives me time to myself.

But it is seen as 'well done' him rather than an 'of course he would do that'. And whilst I loved being pregnant and my pregnancy body I hate my body now - I don't think my tummy's ever going to be the same again! I also never expected the pain to be still going on almost three months down the line.

It def would have been better to be a man in that regard

Butterbur · 02/03/2011 15:08

Not so much, Bupcakes. I wouldn't want to downplay male rape, as it's doubtless equally as destructive as rape of a woman. I just suspect it's an order of magnitude rarer - even if it is under reported, because it's harder for a man to over-power another man.

As for DV, I think most men could restrain most women who attacked them. The converse is not true, so I don't think the crimes are the same.

bupcakesandcunting · 02/03/2011 15:12

Depends, Butterbur. 16st man vs 11 st man. Plus some women are bloody hench.

bemybebe · 02/03/2011 15:20

WriterofDreams I c Smile... But as someone said, we all have our crosses to bear. For once, I would absolutely hate to shave my face every day...

Fluffygal Sorry, I did not at all imply that women do not walk out on their families, absolutely not! It also happened in my own family a few generations back. I just think that the statement that a man doing it is somehow 'OK' is wrong and says more about the people holding this view. Anyone walking out on their partner and leaving them to 'hold the baby' (forgive the pun) is totally out of order if you ask me (man or woman is irrelevant).

amiheartless · 02/03/2011 15:26

I think men often get off pretty easy, even the attentive ones and get loadsa praise for like changing a nappy or something.

cantspel · 02/03/2011 15:27

Men are more likely to lose their child in divorce.
Men have no say on whether a child gets to be born or not.
Men cant be in a stroppy mood and then just blame it on the time of the month.

Malificence · 02/03/2011 16:30

Men don't get pregnant, they don't give birth ( well no, because well, they're men Wink the clue is in the name), they don't have to shave half their bodies neither do women , wear make-up neither do women , cope with long hair neither* do women , they don't have to wear bras and wear no more than two items at any one time, eh ? Confused, they don't get fat, or saggy, yes they do, they don't get judged for working (they get heavily judged for not working ), or accused or being on benefits, they don't get ripped off at the garage (the stupid ones do) and no-one stares at their breasts ( everyone stares at man boobs, they're hideous), men have jobs that have a home time and home time doesn't mean more work ( it can do, my DH is often called at 10pm at night from work, not everyone is 9-5 ), men don't have smear tests ( they do have prostate examinations) and don't have to wear uncomfortable shoes, men don't feel stressed when the house is a mess and panic when the door goes ( neither do women unless they're particularly stupid) , men can go to the pub on their own for a quick half and no-one minds they are still there 3 hours later (says who?) .
But, men can walk away from their children and not give a stuff, a woman could never do that and that makes me happy to be a woman most of the time) - (I know of more women than men who have done this very thing actually).

Any more breathtakingly inaccurate little gems you would like to put out there? Hmm

noodle69 · 02/03/2011 17:18

I havent changed at all physically after my daughter. It would be impossible to tell I have had any children. I dont do more childcare and I go to work and dont feel guilty. I didnt breastfeed and my husband get up every night and I have lie ins every weekend. I dont think having a baby has changed much from me before.

Why dont you make the dad do stuff? My husband looks after our daughter so I can go out whenever I like and my social life is exactly the same as pre kids. It doesnt have to change if you dont want it to.

Original poster
WriterofDreams · 02/03/2011 17:29

Noodle - I can't do anything about the physical changes that have happened, you're lucky not to have stretch marks etc but that doesn't help me much does it?
As for my DH, as I've stated twice before he does "do stuff" - he does half of the night duty every night and gives me a lie in once during the week when he works from home and once at the weekend. I have chosen to breastfeed as I feel it's best for my baby, I'd like DH to help with that but unfortunately he can't! I do still have a social life but my life has definitely changed as the main person I socialised with before DS was born was DH. We don't have anyone available to babysit so I don't get to do that much any more.

OP posts:
noodle69 · 02/03/2011 17:31

When you stop breastfeeding though it will be just like pre kids though as he can do the childcare. I am always out clubbing or partying. I go trips at the weekends overnight, cinema, meals out, round my friends, for a run etc. As soon as you are over the baby bit then it will all be back to normal.

noodle69 · 02/03/2011 17:33

Oh just read that again and said main person you socialise with is DH before. Its best after kids if you go out in a girly group I find as then you dont have to worry about babysitters. Dont worry its like that for the first few months and you cant do stuff but then you wondered what you ever worried about.

Youllskimmer · 02/03/2011 18:17

'But, men can walk away from their children and not give a stuff, a woman could never do that and that makes me happy to be a woman (most of the time)'

Some men surely?

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