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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Or is my husband? Re cooking.

39 replies

pebblesinthegarden · 02/03/2011 13:17

I was making lunch today with two pans on the hob, one with fish and one with leeks and mushrooms frying.

when I served it up the fish was still a bit too raw in the middle (the leeks etc were still on the hob) - I cut it open and then we agreed that it needed a bit longer so I put them back over the heat.

Then the baby needed attention so I said "can you take over this?". DH went to the hob and was standing over the pans (and reading his magazine to one side) and served it all up when it was ready.

At the end of the meal he got very angry because the heat was still on under the leek pan and I "should have explained" that two rings were alight.

I was taken aback and said that my "can you take care of this" meant the whole hob (!), but I could understand why he hadn't noticed. This set him off on a rant that ended with him calling me 'mental' and raising his voice in front of the baby. He said I couldn't accept blame. I didn't lose it and shout back and I though that he wouldn't carry on being loud and aggressive as long as I didn't escalate it so I am surprised and sad that he still shouted. When I said he was upsetting the baby he sais "no you are". I'm hurt and upset. I really don't think this was my fault (or that any harm was done!).

Maybe I should have just apologised to keep the peace and not have the baby upset.

DH was berating me for being 'dangerous'which is ironic considering yesterday he left the stairgate open and the baby got a couple of steps up.

OP posts:
squeakytoy · 02/03/2011 13:20

He sounds petty and ridiculous.

Do him toast for lunch next time.

TotemPole · 02/03/2011 13:26

Fish with leeks and mushroom, that sounds like a strange combination to me. Did you have any carbs with it?

And agrees with squeaky.

Oblomov · 02/03/2011 13:29

No. he is wrong. 'can you take over' = simple instruction. you can tell when a hob is on. shouldn't need to be told. that 2 were on. its obvious. a it continues cooking and feels warm.
there is more to this than meets the eys OP ?

mousymouse · 02/03/2011 13:29

HIBU - has he got no eyes to see that the heat is on?

kreecherlivesupstairs · 02/03/2011 13:34

No, you shouldn't have just apologised to keep the peace. That is ridiculous and not an arguement. should you list the order that he eats his lunch in for him.
He knows he fucked up and is looking for a way to wiggle out of it.

eaglewings · 02/03/2011 13:35

You are in the right, but perhaps need to ask 'is this a battle worth fighting'?
He should have put his magazine down and noticed but he didn't, but the house did not burn down.
Sounds like you need some 'me' time and some time as a couple. Is there anyone who could watch the kids for an hour while you have some time out?
This is easy for me to say as I'm always having discussions like this with my dh and never get it right - so do as I say not as I do!

Original poster
pebblesinthegarden · 02/03/2011 13:35

Yes there were carbs - rice. That was already ready and on the table. It was salmon fillets with sauteed leeks and mushrooms.

I don't know if there's more to this than meets the eye. We snipe a bit when we're tired but it's a very loving relationship - and he is generally reasonable which is why I'm so hurt and confused by this. He works hard and he works from home so we're on top of each other all day and he was working until late last night.

He's now acting like everything is normal.

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 02/03/2011 13:36

He's off his rocker.

LindyHemming · 02/03/2011 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
pebblesinthegarden · 02/03/2011 13:39

Lunch!

OP posts:
nickelbabe · 02/03/2011 13:41

he's BU.

how hard is it to make sure all the hobs are off when he's finished cooking etc?

DH checks all the knobs on the cooker when he's cooking, even when he hasn't used them.

BitOfFun · 02/03/2011 13:41

Everything IS normal though. You've had a daft spat because you are both tired. Don't stoke it up further on mumsnet- ask him for a cuppa and forget about it. Life really is too short.

I would say otherwise if this were a general symptom of him being a complete twat, but from what you've said, it isn't.

Bideyin · 02/03/2011 13:41

I don't think he was right but you both sound a bit stressed. My partner working at home while I had a baby to look after would make me stressed as well!

winnybella · 02/03/2011 13:42

I'm with hecate.

First of all, your instruction was clear ie take care of the whole thing imo.

Second, even if he misunderstood or if it wasn't clear, it's ridiculous to try to blame someone. Just not a big deal.

But, no, you asked him to take over, therefore it was his responsibilty to make sure the hob was off.

EleanorJosie · 02/03/2011 13:43

Yeah, all sounds pretty normal to me.

coatgate · 02/03/2011 13:45

Agree - I was a bit Shock at your lunch habits!

I am sure someone will be along soon to say leave him. Grin

I should just ignore it and put it down to him being tired, and also embarrassed that he had left the hob on. My DHs first form of defence is aggression.

GloriaSmut · 02/03/2011 13:46

It's a classic over-tired misunderstanding, I think. We're all guilty from time to time and usually, over the most ludicrous things. So don't make the hugest issue over it. Unless it becomes a habit of course.

Sn0wflake · 02/03/2011 13:46

Listen to BitOfFun really not worth keeping going. Have a sleep.

Ephiny · 02/03/2011 13:47

Sorry, I don't think it's normal at all. My DP has never once shouted at me (we've been together about 10 years) or called me 'mental' or any offensive name like that. That's not how adults who like and respect each other behave IMO. Don't apologise, it's not your fault and you shouldn't make yourself a punchbag for him to take his temper out on.

Ephiny · 02/03/2011 13:48

It does seem like a ridiculous petty thing to be having a big argument over though!

TotemPole · 02/03/2011 13:49

Yes there were carbs - rice. That was already ready and on the table. It was salmon fillets with sauteed leeks and mushrooms.

That's sounds lovely.

If you were both tired, then let it go.

OTheHugeManatee · 02/03/2011 13:51

It sounds like there's a loooooooooot more to this than just fish and leeks.

PurveyorOfWoo · 02/03/2011 13:59

Yes manatee, there was some rice and mushrooms too!

TotemPole · 02/03/2011 14:03

He probably felt like a bit of a dick for not spotting the other ring. And because he was tired/stressed, rather than taking responsibility, tried to pass it on to the other person who was there.

shavmcv · 02/03/2011 14:06

yeah dh was definitely out of line but sometimes people just have an off day. its not the end of the world. dont go grovelling but dont let it grow arms and legs either.

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