Or is my husband? Re cooking.

[pebblesinthegarden]

I was making lunch today with two pans on the hob, one with fish and one with leeks and mushrooms frying.

when I served it up the fish was still a bit too raw in the middle (the leeks etc were still on the hob) - I cut it open and then we agreed that it needed a bit longer so I put them back over the heat.

Then the baby needed attention so I said "can you take over this?". DH went to the hob and was standing over the pans (and reading his magazine to one side) and served it all up when it was ready.

At the end of the meal he got very angry because the heat was still on under the leek pan and I "should have explained" that two rings were alight.

I was taken aback and said that my "can you take care of this" meant the whole hob (!), but I could understand why he hadn't noticed. This set him off on a rant that ended with him calling me 'mental' and raising his voice in front of the baby. He said I couldn't accept blame. I didn't lose it and shout back and I though that he wouldn't carry on being loud and aggressive as long as I didn't escalate it so I am surprised and sad that he still shouted. When I said he was upsetting the baby he sais "no you are". I'm hurt and upset. I really don't think this was my fault (or that any harm was done!).

Maybe I should have just apologised to keep the peace and not have the baby upset.

DH was berating me for being 'dangerous'which is ironic considering yesterday he left the stairgate open and the baby got a couple of steps up.

sounds like a normal petty squabble caused by overtiredness and stress - just agree it was a silly thing to argue over and have a cuddle. Believe me, some of the things me and DH have argued about in the past are ridiculous (chopping onions the wrong way, not stacking dishes in the sink properly to name two classics) and it nearly always happens when the baby has been up in the night and we are both dead tired.

Oh, but YANBU by the way - he should have checked

As an over-tired and stressed Mum of a newborn I agree that things take on a life of their own when you're tired. One thing I'll add. My dh and I have lots of 'misunderstandings' because of differences in our way of communicating. I think I'm being very clear and straight forward, but dh takes things very literally and almost needs things spelling out (he works in IT - likes things to be rule-based!). If I were telling him to 'take over this' he'd probably argue that he thought I meant just the fish. I'm not taking your dh's side - it sounds unreasonable to me, but do you often have misunderstandings because he thought you meant something else? I used to get incredibly wound up about it, but now I'm just specific to the n'th degree just to cover my back!!

I could have written this OP (lunch choice notwithstanding) :)

My Dh pulls this sort of shit sometimes, and he also does some shouting when DCs can hear. At one stage we went to relate to learn how to argue without shouting communicate better. It seems to have gone out of the window again now though.

I'm not going to get a divorce over it, we only ever argue about random shite, nothing important, and it's usually tiredness or shitty day outside the relationship that precipitates it.

It is unreasonable, but I'm guilty of this too sometimes, and we do enough cuddling, and loving each other that DS knows he's got a secure family. we're only people.

My DH is another one who likes very specific instructions. Something that I see as being an integral part of the task he would see as entirely separate, and would need telling asking to do explicitly.

Sounds like he is the one who won't accept the blame for his error. Most people would notice the 2 burners were on and switch them both off. Weird that he picked a fight over it. Even if you were the one who had left it on, nobody is perfect.

Is he a perfectionist by chance, and cannot bear to be at fault over this?

"I am in the wrong so I am going to shout at you about it"

Its so common as to be considered normal. The louder this kind of person shouts and the longer they shout for, the more they know they are in the wrong.

Not reasonable or right at all and I would be having words about it, but in essence, he is being a wanker.

Just remembered some advice my sister gave me

If you know you are wrong - apologise. if you know you are right - keep quiet.

Shortens heated debates and you end up feeling superior

Everything will be normal when he apologises for being a dick.

He's not your boss. He doesn't get to tell you how you should take his (entirely unjustified) criticism.

You could have cooked it all up in one pan. Lovely with some nice herby butter chased around.

It's a shame he called you mental though. YANBU to be upset by that.

I actually had a similar scenario last week with DH - only it was scallops and a sauce that I had on two dfferent burners. My phone rang and I handed him the palette knife I was using to flip the scallops and said: "look after this" and ran off to answer. I came back as he was serving up. We sat down to eat and afterwards he noticed a burner was still on under the sauce pan.

He said "oops" and turned it off.

And that was that, no harm done, so nothing to talk about.

For him to get so angry was just unneccessary and you certainly shouldn't have to apologise to him when he is being rude and shouty to you!

Apologising when you are not in the wrong isn't a good idea I don't think because it kind of justifies his anger for him and makes him feel that he was right to be mad if you felt that you had something to say sorry for.

He is probably overtired, stressing, blew it all out of proportion and secretly knows now that he behaved like a wanker and is hoping it will all blow over and you will forget about it.

That sounds like quite a lot of effort for lunch. I just make sandwiches or egg with toast, beans etc.

Anyway, yanbu.

We have a little sign on our wall:

I didn't say it was tour fault, I said I was going to blame you.

Seems to me to sum his position up beautifully, triggered by tiredness and a bit of guilt!

*your

What I think is unreasonable, as mentioned already by someone else, is commenting on what you were making for lunch and asking if there were any carbs to go with it!
And no, I don't think you're being unreasonable, but I do think you both sound stressed and overworked and as if you need a nice sitdown and a cup of tea together and then it'll be OK.