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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To offer to have a baby for them?

43 replies

britneyshears · 01/03/2011 15:59

I'm 29, I have a DS and my having children is done (I think!)

My husband and I have known this couple for 18 years, since the start of secondary school, and they have just discovered that she cannot have children (something she hasn't been keen to divulge details about so I'm not entirely clear on the details.)

My husband and his friend play golf, and spent the day this weekend talking about how they want a child so much they're going to look into surrogacy.

My DH told me and I'm thinking of offering.

Is it innapropriate as we're so close?
Would I just make it awkward for her?
Is it even something I could do? I know nothing of eligibility...

Obviously, it's not a simple fix, but they're so so devastated I can't watch them go through it anymore.

What do people think?

OP posts:
altinkum · 01/03/2011 16:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BettyCash · 01/03/2011 16:00

Any reason they didn't adopt? I couldn't be a surrogate mum but if you could, don't let me be Judgey McJudgeypants.

NinkyNonker · 01/03/2011 16:01

I couldn't, but think it would be admirable if you were all fully informed and 100% 'on board'.

Lulumama · 01/03/2011 16:03

I think that if you are not 150 % sure you are not done having children, it could potentially be a really really bad idea.
what does your DH think?

Rannaldini · 01/03/2011 16:03

i think if you are asking opinion on it you have a great deal of thought that needs to go in to it

go online and read some stories
really think about it

iskra · 01/03/2011 16:03

This is something you & your husband really need to think through & talk about BEFORE you discuss it with them. Imagine if they said "yes" & then you pulled out because you hadn't really thought through the implications.

I would imagine there are support forums out there for surrogate mums if you wanted to look them up & see what issues others are discussing.

TattyDevine · 01/03/2011 16:04

You know when you see someone doing something parenting-wise that you wouldn't do - it might be smacking, feeding a child something you find unacceptable, or any other manner of parenting choices opposite to what you would do?

Could you handle seeing them do that to the child you made for them?

What if the child got to a certain age and they just stopped being grateful, stopped giving you credit for it, people forgot that you carried the child, it was like you never did it. Would you be okay with that?

TenSpeedOfGodsBlood · 01/03/2011 16:05

It would be the most amazing gift you could give someone.
But you need to really think it through and make sure you would be 100% happy with your decision before you approach the subject with your friends.

Pheebe · 01/03/2011 16:06

Be very very sure before you make this offer. Talk to other surrogate mums, get some counseling and make sure you and your DH are really ready for this.

BadRoly · 01/03/2011 16:06

I was asked to be a surrogate once and I (wrongly it transpired) thought they were joking. Anyway, it made me look into it from a very personal perspective. Do not rush into saying anything to them. Think about it and talk about it with your dh. Research it. I know it is obvious but this is people's lives and not something to enter in to on a whim.

minmooch · 01/03/2011 16:06

I think it is a fantastic thing to offer. My concerns would be how close you live to them and how often do you see them? Can you imagine seeing the child grow up? Can you really imagine being able to give up the baby after 9 months? It would lead to heartache and devastation to the other couple if you could not give up the baby. How does your dh feel - he would have to be totally on your side with this? How old is your ds? Will he be able to understand?

If you can't do it for them - can you do it for my dh and I?

TattyDevine · 01/03/2011 16:07

Here's another one to ponder

Could you handle it if the child you made for them got into Oxford, but your children didn't?

Panda1234 · 01/03/2011 16:11

It's a lovely thing to do for someone. But think most clinics will only do it if you're sure your own family is complete, and you also might have to have counselling.

Her eggs might be ok but she might not be able to carry a pg, IYSWIM. So may need a gestational surrogate rather than one genetically related to the child.

Ephiny · 01/03/2011 16:12

How would this even work legally? Presumably you can't just hand over a baby to someone else, you can give a baby up for adoption but wouldn't they then go through the normal process of matching with potential parents, and the baby would go to the most suitable home (as judged by social workers), not necessarily the one you choose?

I wouldn't do it anyway, there are so many ways for this to end up a complicated mess.

ApocalypseCheeseToastie · 01/03/2011 16:16

I would leave it at least a year and give it serious thought and don't approach them if their is even the tiniest chance you may change your mind.

januaryjojo · 01/03/2011 16:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
britneyshears · 01/03/2011 16:17

Ive been considering the pregnancy & the birth but tatty Devine actually just triggered something with the idea of the child being older and having to see him/her on a daily basis.

Hmmm...

Obviously I knew I would see them but in terms of discipline. I never thought of that. That would be hard I think.

It's just so so tough to watch her be so devastated. it makes me feel guilty about my child. (who's just turned 1)

OP posts:
Original poster
britneyshears · 01/03/2011 16:17

Thanks January.

OP posts:
coccyx · 01/03/2011 16:18

so your egg and his sperm???
Might be difficult if you live very close/spend a lot of time together.
Not sure of the relevance of said child going to Oxford

Lulumama · 01/03/2011 16:20

your child is only 1 year old and oyu are 29. you still have at least 10 years ahead of you to have more children

what if oyu did go ahead and hav a baby for them, and by some awful misfortune, complications meant you had to have a hysterectomy...?

I would not even start to even possibly consider surrogacy until sure my own famiyl complete. too many what ifs

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 16:21

I'm not sure that surrogacy when you know the family is a good idea, apart from for very close family members. Does that make sense?

Original poster
britneyshears · 01/03/2011 16:23

Well... At the moment I feel sure I only want one child. When I put "I think" it was with the idea that if an accident happened etc... Then I know I would keep the child.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 01/03/2011 16:23

Sorry had no idea surrogacy was legal in the UK - when did that happen?! - so assumed it could not be done openly. I know more or less how it works in some other countries with a particular legal process to transfer the parental rights.

Still would not even consider this, I would be wary of surrogacy anyway but especially when the other couple are friends who you're close to and would continue to see regularly. You're the best judge of how you'd feel, and how it would affect your relationship, but personally I would not go there.

squeakytoy · 01/03/2011 16:27

I would say that having a baby for close friends is fraught with complications that would not arise if you had a child for a stranger.

If you are not aware of the details of why this couple cant have children, then perhaps there are other options that they havent tried yet apart from surrogacy.

I think its a very generous thing to offer, but not right between friends.

TattyDevine · 01/03/2011 16:28

"Not sure of the relevance of said child going to Oxford"

Its not necessarily relevant, Coccyx, only the OP knows if it is.

I'm trying to trigger a thought process in her.

To rephrase it. What if that child she made for them made it onto X-factor, but her child didn't pass the audition.

What if that child achieved accolades her child didn't. How would that make her feel.

It is VERY relevant in terms of living alongside each other, both parents, and how it effects you emotionally as that baby you handed over grows and emerges into their own person, and how the other set of parents are to that child.

Does that make more sense?

It may not stir anything in the OP to ponder that, but if it does, its relevant.

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