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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To offer to have a baby for them?

43 replies

britneyshears · 01/03/2011 15:59

I'm 29, I have a DS and my having children is done (I think!)

My husband and I have known this couple for 18 years, since the start of secondary school, and they have just discovered that she cannot have children (something she hasn't been keen to divulge details about so I'm not entirely clear on the details.)

My husband and his friend play golf, and spent the day this weekend talking about how they want a child so much they're going to look into surrogacy.

My DH told me and I'm thinking of offering.

Is it innapropriate as we're so close?
Would I just make it awkward for her?
Is it even something I could do? I know nothing of eligibility...

Obviously, it's not a simple fix, but they're so so devastated I can't watch them go through it anymore.

What do people think?

OP posts:

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 16:28

britney, you are 29 and have a small baby. I don't think you can possibly say now whether you might like another in a year or two, as having a small child can really play havoc with your maternal instincts.

I don't know much about the process, but I doubt you'd be approved with those facts in mind.

Original poster

britneyshears · 01/03/2011 16:33

You won't be approved if you have a small child?

I assumed that being under 30, physically fit & healthy and having previously had a healthy child would be sort of ideal.

I know I have to think about it and do sone research.

I have a latex allergy and may at the moment be slightly underweight BMI wise but other than that fine.

OP posts:

TeiTetua · 01/03/2011 16:39

Wow, it's a wonderful thing to consider but as people have said (and being totally general about it) what if their child ends up much more fortunate (or much less so) than your child? Of course that might happen if they were siblings in the normal way, but would it put a strain on the relationship between the families?

And could you give birth to a child and calmly see that child in someone else's arms, even your best friend? That goes along with seeing your friend treat the child in ways you might not agree with.

There's an amazing amount of trust involved with this.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 16:43

I don't know how it works, as I said, but I would be surprised if a 29 year old with only one child (a baby) would be considered until at least a few years after decided not to have any more children.

The obvious concern would be that you might be incapable of letting the child go, which would be entirely understandable.

Nancy66 · 01/03/2011 16:48

Surrogacy is very legally fraught in the UK.

Even if you used donor eggs the child would still legally be yours initially - and your name would have to go on the birth certificate.

The intended mother would then have to apply for a parenting order.

If you changed your mind your friend would have no protection at all. If she changed her mind, neither would you.

foreverondiet · 01/03/2011 16:49

I think if you are probably "done" and your DH is ok with it, then yes would be wonderful offer ONLY if you are 100% sure as would be unfair to give false hope.

AnnyR · 01/03/2011 16:52

Is anyone looking at this from the child's point of view? Just a thought - I'm not sure how I would feel if I knew my biological mum was my "mum's" friend!

Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2011 17:05

AnnyR- that is a good point. Op you also have to think about how both your families and other friends and neighbours would react. You would go through a pregnancy but not have a child at the end of it, so it would not remane a secret. It also could impact on your relationship with your own dc in the future. You would all need to go through the councelling process to make sure you are making the right choice.

TaffyandTeenyTaffy · 01/03/2011 17:09

My friend tentatively offered for me - but we could never have accepted. I dont think that she had thought it through. I would have forever felt beholden to her and I think it would have created an imbalance in the friendship rather than brought us closer. I also dont know how she would have explained it to her own children who were of an age to understand. But I was very touched.

spongefingerssavedmylife · 01/03/2011 17:13

I am going to be blunt and say that it is a very bad idea. But I think you know that or you wouldn't be asking on here!

Original poster

britneyshears · 01/03/2011 19:19

Spongefinger you couldn't be more wrong. I'm asking on here so I can get some impartial advice before I speak to my DH.

I see our closest friends so completely devastated at not being able to have a child, and just want to help them. A lot of people have made some valid points, it's such a useful source of advice.

Why would I ask if here if I thought the answer was no?

OP posts:

Fiddledee · 01/03/2011 19:25

I could never carry a baby for 9 months and give it away to a friend and see it regularly it would break my heart sorry. Never in a million years. Why don't they adopt if they are similar ages to yourself, which is very young to me!

Fiddledee · 01/03/2011 19:26

Also I was quite keen on sticking at one child, my DH persuaded me otherwise I did have a second and I wouldn't be without him. I would quite fancy a third, DH says no!

thisisyesterday · 01/03/2011 19:33

i would totally do it!

my friend is ttc atm and so far unsuccessfully. When we were chatting the other day she was saying how worried she is that she won't be able to have a baby.
I said that IF that happened, I would totally offer to have the baby for them, and i really would

it's an amazing thing to do

MumInBeds · 01/03/2011 19:47

I've been a surrogate three times for two couples (a boy for one then two girls for another) - the couples were strangers at first but are now good friends and the boy is nearly 10.

The surrogacy I did was host so via IVF with their egg and sperm so we needed approval by a clinic, I was accepted with one child (and aged 22) but they needed to be sure I would be okay if I lost my fertility in the process.

I have never found it hard watching my surro-children grow up with different parenting and chances to my own children, it is only like seeing other friends and their lives but then I am not related to the children, I only carried them. I do adore them but only like a nephew and nieces.

There is a lot to think about, if it is host then the IVF is very long and draining and it is very emotional and scary to carry another person's child - you are completely responsible for keeping their dreams then their child safe, that's not easy.

I have absolutely no regrets but surrogacy is one of the hardest things I have ever done so I do urge you to take your time to think about it before offering or suggesting to your friends that you might help.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/03/2011 19:57

My instinct is to advise you not to do it. You are naturally feeling sad for them and want to do something to make them feel better, but I think that if you do this it will mean an end to your friendship. You won't be friends on equal terms any more - they will feel grateful and beholden.

Also, if the child is genetically yours, I don't think your friend will be happy seeing you regularly, as you will be her childs biological mother. I think she will want distance, to bring up her child without the sense of you watching and being a mother in the background.

If you did stay close, will you struggle with watching them raise the child differently to how you would do it?

Supposing you change your mind? Could your DH cope with keeping the baby. It would devastate the couple concerned.

I think you need to think about this a lot more. Don't rush to help, because if you agreed to do this and it all went wrong, things would be so much worse for them.

I think being a gestational carrier is easier than being the bio mother, but even then, you may bond with a child you've carried.

foreverondiet · 01/03/2011 19:59

TBH I could only even think about it if the child wasn't biologically mine.

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 20:02

OP its a lovely thought but you need to do your research and get all clued up on everything. You need to think about the legal, financial and emotional consequences of it all, and then you can offer if you still want to. I think you need to give yourself a little more time too to make sure it's not just an immediate reaction to something

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