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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To point out that her dd dad has actually done nothing wrong and find her a bit insensitive?

31 replies

bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:13

An old friend of mine has a 10 month old daughter.

She decided when she was 3 months pregnant that she didn't fancy the dad so split.

It seems that she is so repulsed by this man, on a purely physical basis that she wont allow her daughter to see him.

On finding out she was pregnant dd's dad gave up his job to move to be with my friend, he supports her financially and sticks to his 6 weekly visit (she only allows this).

He has been described as a sperm donor and told it would be best if he just disappears and described as a psychopath????

This is even harder for me to hear because i suffered years of actual mental and physical abuse. Yet would still love it if my son could maintain a relationship with his dad.

Sorry rant over. I sent her a text basically telling her i don't understand her actions and that maybe she was being slightly insensitive Hmm. I'm actually furious at the lack of sensitivity toward me and the poor dad. I know a text is a crap way of communicating but after the abuse iv suffered its the only way i felt comfortable doing it.

AIBU in thinking her problems are trivial because mine seem so much worse and AIBU to assume she might be slightly more sensitive given the situation i have been in?

OP posts:
theredhen · 01/03/2011 11:17

I honestly think some people want to be miserable and then make their own misery when no-one else makes it for them!

Yes, she is insensitive. You probably should have said it to her face to face, but apart from that YANBU

Eglu · 01/03/2011 11:18

She is being a bitch and doing her poor child a disservice. She should have thought more carefully before getting pregnant.

Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:18

I also think her calling him a psychopath undermines people who have lived with abuse.

OP posts:
Hammy02 · 01/03/2011 11:19

It's awful that she is stopping the dad from seeing his daughter when he has done nothing wrong. How would she like it if the tables were turned? YANBU.

worraliberty · 01/03/2011 11:20

I'd forget the psychopath comment, it sounds pretty flippant to me.

But the way she's treating this poor man and their child is disgraceful Sad

TobyLerone · 01/03/2011 11:20

I do think that YABU making this about you, but I don't think YABU wrt the other stuff.

LoopyLoopsHulaHoops · 01/03/2011 11:20

YANBU to tell her that she's doing the wrong thing, however...

  1. not by text. That will just mean the pair of you fall out.
  2. insensitive as it is, this isn't about you, and making it about you won't improve the outcome for either the child or her father.
Hassled · 01/03/2011 11:21

Well you could argue that if the father cared enough he'd be taking legal steps to increase access. Is he on the birth certificate?

Agree your friend is being a twat.

fedupofnamechanging · 01/03/2011 11:23

I'm a bit undecided on this, because you can't really know what their relationship was like because you are on the outside of it. He may have been charm personified to the outside world, but a complete git in private.

On the face of it though, it does seem that she is doing both her ex and her child a disservice by no allowing proper contact. If her ex wants more, then I'm sure he is aware that he could go down a legal route to get it, so perhaps this arrangement suits him too.

I think you'd be best to avoid comparing your situation to hers. People do make nasty remarks about their ex partners and don't care that they are being inaccurate and they don't think about whether it will hurt people who really have been in abusive relationships. She is just engaging her mouth and not her brain (if the relationship wasn't abusive).

With friends you have to decide whether their good points outweigh their bad and whether you can live with their flaws (and can they live with yours). If you can't then it's time to move on. If you can, then stop analysing every silly remark they make or it will drive you up the wall.

mmsmum · 01/03/2011 11:23

Lack of sensitivity toward you? It's nothing to do with you. Stop comparing yourself to others and stop trying to interfere. As a friend your either there for her or your not, if its the latter then say goodbye

Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:25

Yes it did seem like a whim, they had been together maybe 2 or 3 months. I am furious, how could she know how hard i struggled for ds to have a relationship with his dad then spout such crock of shit as an excuse to stop her dd having a dad? This sort of thing really does give mothers who genuinely cant maintain a relationship with there dc's father a bad name.

I know the text thing was a bit rubbish but well im a massive whoose Blush

OP posts:
worraliberty · 01/03/2011 11:25

Taking legal steps can cost an absolute fortune. What if the Dad has no money?

worraliberty · 01/03/2011 11:26

Sorry but it's not about you. It's about this man and his child.

Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:28

I don't know the father, only what she told me. But even the way she describes him he sounds like the model father. I'm not tyring to interfere I just needed her to know that i cant listen to it anymore and cant keep meeting if its going to be the only topic of conversation and something i disagree with.

The psychopath comment was very serious!

OP posts:
Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:30

I know its about him, like i said im furious for him as well. But there is nothing other than telling her how i feel that i can do about that.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 01/03/2011 11:34

To reiterate what others have said-you need to separate your situation from hers. You do not know what her real problems are and are propably not up to finding out yet. Do not try to justify sending a txt because you have had a tough time, that was not her fault, take responsibility for your own actions. Get help and advise for any distress that you are still feeling from being abused and the lack of relationship between your son and his father, it will help you all in the long run.

SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/03/2011 11:37

But you don't know that he wasn't a complete shit to her. You are not her. Lots of abusive men are charming to the outside world. WHile his behaviour towards the DD may be excellent, he may be putting constant pressure on your friend to resume a couple-relationship when she doesn't want to. TBH if he is piling on the 'romantic' gestures and making it clear that he wants to have a sexual relationship with her, her revulsion is understandable (having someone repeatedly express desire for you when you feel none for them is actually pretty revolting).
ON the other hand, if he is an OK man who she has taken against, it is possible that she has some form of PND or other MH problem, but you telling her what a bitch she is will not help in the least.

Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:47

There was no abuse, It really is a case of physical revulsion. That is what she has told me. Besides they saw each other at the weekend and in the company of others, there was no time for abuse. I have read every single correspondence between them by her because they are apparently so awful when in actual fact they are very amicable. I didn't tell her she was a bitch just that i didn't understand and maybe we could meet and she could explain. The text wasn't in the least bit horrible, it only explained that im finding it hard to understand and maybe I didn't as you have said know the full situation.

Apart form sending a text i really don't see what i could have done differently. I think her behavior is terrible (i didn't say that to her) and im not just going to agree for the sake of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 11:48

I cant be there for her if i don't know the facts, that's all i was getting at in the text i sent her. Not that im not fuming!

OP posts:
SpringchickenGoldBrass · 01/03/2011 20:00

Physical revulsion against someone you once liked enough to have sex with is unusual. So something must have triggered it and it would be helpful to find out what that something was - eg it could be PND or it could be something he has done.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/03/2011 20:25

I have deep sympathy for the problems you have had and all you have suffered. However, I think it is a mistake to say that other people cannot have or express feelings about problems that you deem 'less' than yours.

I could easily say that you should not see yourself as having problems because

At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter what you are going through, or have gone through. It does not make other people's feelings about their problems invalid. And they shouldn't be made to feel that way because someone else is going through or has experienced worse.

No matter what you are going through, someone is going through worse.

So in that, you are being unreasonable.

Re how she is behaving towards the father of her child, well, he will have to fight that one out with her. At the end of the day, the person she will have to, ultimately, justify herself to will be her child.

Bogeyface · 01/03/2011 20:28

She is being cruel to her child and its father, yet your post is all about you! So yes YABU.

Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 20:29

Ok well the story she told me is; she met him at a festival never fancied him but actually was after his best friend, that didn't work out so she settled for him. Always thought he was a bit odd but went along with it for two or three months. It was the repulsion that made her break up with him at the 3 month mark by repulsion i mean she didn't think he washed or took care of himself or made enough effort (she is a fashion student) by which point they had seen each other only on a couple of occasions at the weekend. So with out sounding to judgemental it all seems a bit juvenile and a little girl is losing out on having a dad and visa versa because of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
bristolcities · 01/03/2011 20:31

why is it assumed i must be sensitive to her problems but she not to mine?

OP posts:
HecateQueenOfWitches · 01/03/2011 20:33

But you want her to see that she doesn't actually have problems at all, not compared to you.

That's what's unreasonable. (see above post)