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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be pissed off that I wasn't invited to a family gathering?

31 replies

TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 06:10

Browsing Facebook this morning during a fit of insomnia I find out that my cousin's baby was baptised yesterday.

My Mum and sister were there.

My aunt, who is also my godmother, travelled over from Australia - she is the baby's granny.

I had NO IDEA this baptism was even happening.

I had NO IDEA that my aunt was over from Aus. Last time my Mum mentioned her she said that Aunt was upset as she wanted to see the baby (obv) but wasn't sure she could afford the flights.

I would have loved to have gone, I have no idea why I wasn't invited. I live about 200 miles away from most of my family and don't see them outside of Mum and sister very often at all but we communicate via email and facebook and there is no rift (that I am aware of)

I am really really upset :(

OP posts:
Emo76 · 28/02/2011 06:29

That is unbelievable - you didn't know your Aunt was even coming over? Your mum didn't mention it? How odd of them not to let you know. YANBU - can you chat to them today and find out why they didn't tell you?

itisnotgoingwelltoday · 28/02/2011 06:34

This was done to me by my brother when his DD was being christened - he lives in a different country, mother and father went to christening, I wasn't even told it was happening, mother let it slip by accident when I phoned to see if they wanted to come to mine that Sunday.

I knew there was a party after the christening at their house and phoned the house during the service and left a message on their ansering service which said "Just phoning to congratulate you on DN christening. Obviously the invitation meant for me got lost in the post"

YANBU - that's a horrible way to treat you. Even if you weren't able to attend, you still should've had an invitation.

FreudianSlippery · 28/02/2011 06:37

How bizarre, and of course YANBU to be upset. Can you phone your mum asap to ask what's happening?

Original poster
TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 06:40

THanks Emo, I'll be ringing my Mum tonight.

The only sensible thing I can think of is that they were keeping numbers down. Someone still should have mentioned it though, I would have sent a card or something.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 06:44

More replies, thank you

If I were invited I prob would have gone. I miss being close to my family, I feel quite isolated living so far away and stuff like this only intensifies that.

I have missed family gatherings before but always with good reason (eg advancing pregnancy)

I suspect my Mum has merely forgotten to tell me, or she has decided it wasn't worth mentioning as she will have decided for me that it would be too much trouble to attend.

FFS

Off to get ready for work now, big meeting today so I must plaster on a smile.

OP posts:
diddl · 28/02/2011 06:49

I wouldn´t be fussed about not being invited to the baptism of a cousin´s baby tbh.

Wouldn´t bother me if my mum was invited & not me.

But I think if my sibling was invited & not me that that would hurt.

Surely it´s not right to not invite someone because you think that they won´t go?

I suppose it´s possible that they had a limit on numbers, if they had a "get together" somewhere.

Slightlyreluctantexpat · 28/02/2011 07:00

Might it be the case that your cousins's wife or husband just isn't tuned into extended-family gatherings? (Don't know whether your cousin is the mother or the father of the baby).

I was really surprised when one of DH's cousins rang up to say that he and his family wouldn't be able to make one of our children's baptisms and I was shocked, because we hadn't even invited them (though I was very polite and gracious and didn't let it show!). At that time I hadn't grasped the fact that DH's cousins would assume that any family party meant ALL the family. I don't have cousins, see!

Having said that, it is odd that your sister was there.

Deaddei · 28/02/2011 08:16

We had a very small christening-only godparents . No relatives- not even PILs.
That was our choice- just as having a small wedding was our choice.
Has your aunt gone back now?

hocuspontas · 28/02/2011 08:17

I would be really upset about the aunt coming over and not being told Sad

Original poster
TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 09:00

My cousin is the baby's dad (she looks quite like him too :) )
His dp is very used to how our family works, they've been together 10 years or so, she's lovely, very friendly, obviously not bothered about being part of a big noisy family.
Have found out (via fb again) that another cousin travelled across country to be there this weekend.
My sister will have tagged along with Mum, she is a student and still lives at home.
I just reckon that my Mum either forgot to tell me or didn't think I'd want to go.
More upset about my aunt than anything, no idea when she's going home, only found out a couple of hours ago that she was here and won't get chance to speak to mum until tonight.

OP posts:
RunAwayWife · 28/02/2011 09:05

YOU NEED TO SPEAK WITH YOUR MUM AND TELL HER YOU WERE HURT TO BE LEFT OUT

Glitterandglue · 28/02/2011 09:13

You have my sympathy, especially if it's a case of mum - or anyone else - not asking you because they'd decided for you that you wouldn't want to go. Whenever my mum gets an invitation for the family that she assumes I won't want to attend, she says probably not to the inviter and does at least mention it to me so I have a chance to change the answer.

My aunt though used to be the queen of this with my cousin and it pissed me right off, because it meant for several years I didn't see my cousin or her kids, despite inviting them to all my birthday/summer parties. I thought she was just not interested. Turned out (as we found out when I decided to circumvent my aunt and managed to meet up with her myself) that her mum had not been asking her at all because, "It's too much trouble with the kids," and, "It would cause too much work for your (my) mum," despite the fact that my mum wasn't organising the party and kept saying how much she'd love to see the kids. Nowadays I make very sure on my mom's side of the family to invite all individual families/people!

Edinburghlass · 28/02/2011 10:21

Poor you, horrible to feel left out. Quite likely someone made a decision on your behalf that you wouldn't be able to go - people are funny for doing that kind of thing.

Suggest you contact your aunt or cousin and say you'd love to visit so you can see your aunt during her visit. Not sure if I'd say you were hurt not to be invited to the christening. They may realise that for themselves.

diddl · 28/02/2011 10:24

"My sister will have tagged along with Mum"

If that´s the case & your mum was invited but you & your sister weren´t then I don´t find that odd tbh.

"obviously not bothered about being part of a big noisy family."

Was does that mean?

That she was responsible & your cousin had no input?

ashamedandconfused · 28/02/2011 10:27

I have had to stop caring about this sort of thing - BIL and SIL have 4 now,we were only invited to the fists DSs christneing, and they had a big do, smalller events for DC2&3 - and we will def not be invited to DC4s baptism - MIL told us about their DC2s baptism with the words "they are only having a few people as they cant cope with a big oarty".

we did not want the party invite, we wanted to be at the church to support them in their vows! and send a nice thoughtful card.

did not even know about DC 3s till after the event - even though there were photos of more distant rellies there, we were not invited - its my Dc I feel sorry for - we only live an hour away and they rarely get to see their cousins

we invite them to birthday parties and they dont come, and never invite us back

flumpmouse · 28/02/2011 10:44

I got left out of my grandmothers 90th birthday as was my mum.
I was totally gutted and in tears. I found out when a general review type email was sent out saying what a great day it was. I didnt even know enough to send something nice. I had just sent a card.
The email was I am sure to cement a brewing family rift between my mother and her sister.

I think in this case though you havent been left out by the hosts. Maybe your mum was meant to pass on the news.
Or maybe your mum wasnt invited either and just went anyway. Perhapes speak to your mum and ask her what happened.
Upsetting though, feeling your pain!

starterfor10 · 28/02/2011 10:58

Had a similar thing myself with my nephew's baby. His happy-go-lucky wife just thought someone else would tell us and phoned afterwards to say she was sorry we didn't realise that there weren't any proper invitaions because she just assumed we would know we were invited (I suspect my d-i-l had a word, hence the phone call.)
I decided not to be upset- and it saved us the cost of a Christening presentGrin

CameronCook · 28/02/2011 11:02

I would be upset at that too - it may have been that they thought you would have been unable to make it, but surely should have been your decision.

zipzap · 28/02/2011 12:14

I once got very upset because my mum and sis had been invited to a cousin's wedding but I hadn't - and we were really close.

About 3 weeks or more later, an invite finally turned up, with 'This has been delivered to me three times by mistake, please make sure it is delivered to the address on the envelope!!!'. The address on the envelope was correct; idiot postman for some reason had delivered it to the wrong address not once but three times, luckily they had sent it back each time.

By this time I had also found out that I was invited so wasn't quite so upset. However, if it was for something that I didn't know was happening or that was coming through the post - or if the people had been slow at sending it back or just thrown it away - just made me wonder what other post I was missing out on Hmm

my block of flats used to get a large pile of post a week that was wrongly delivered; some was for the other 3 buildings in the square and it would all be exchanged easily, the rest went back in the post. but again, always made me worry about other stuff that got wrongly delivered and never made it...

hope you manage to get it sorted and you do get to see your aunt while she is over here. can you ring up your cousin this evening and say that you have only just found out that she is here and see if there is any way that you can invite yourself up to see her before she goes. then if she says that it was a shame you missed the christening you can say that you were never invited and that you would have loved to have been there, and then tell your mum off for not bothering to pass the invite on if she was supposed to!

mmsmum · 28/02/2011 12:24

I would feel betrayed but I would still try to ring my Aunt before she goes home

justcarrots29 · 28/02/2011 12:26

YANBU - sounds like they had already decided that you wouldn't come. Do they like you husband/ partner - could that be the issue?
Please your mum asap - I am very interested to know what her response will be.

Original poster
TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 16:22

diddl the comment about being part of a big noisy family was in reply to slightlyreluctantexpats thoughts that my cousin's dp might not be mad about family gatherings.

Just seen some pics on FB, ALL the cousins on that side of the family are there apart from two who now live abroad (inc one of my brothers), my other brother and myself.

Really really odd

Will be ringing Mum in a bit, she'll be home from work soon, and also asking my brother (the one in UK) if he knew anything about it.

OP posts:
NorthernComfort · 28/02/2011 16:26

How totally weird. GOod luck with the phonecall, maybe there's some sort of logical explanation?

Original poster
TigerFeet · 28/02/2011 18:26

Just spoken to my mum. Baptism arranged in a hurry to fit on with aunt's schedule (fair enough) and no one thought to invite us.
Am forgotten relative, which makes me feel pretty shit tbh. Oh well, obviously a wake up call re making an effort with the rellies.
Apols for typing, am on phone.
Still feeling rotten about the whole thing, but at least there was no malice involved.

OP posts:
pommedeterre · 28/02/2011 18:35

Oh TigerFeet that is really sucky. Good that there was no malice but being forgotten is a bit much. Did you tell your mum you felt hurt? Was there any kind of explanation from her about when they realised they'd forgotten you?
I think the only thing you can do is politely register shock and upset and then be the bigger person and 'get over it'. However I would keep it in mind next time anyone wants a favour doing!

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