to expect my family to support me for more than one day when I'm giving up smoking?

[Waltons]

Heavy smoker for decades, cut down when pg, but have never managed to quit for more than a few days.

I've now got to give up for medical reasons (as if there weren't enough of those already), GP sorted out nicotine replacement stuff with me and sent me to the local support group that meets once a week. Went to first meeting ten days ago and set a quit date for yesterday.

Called DH and kids to the kitchen table last weekend to explain that I needed their support. Could we all stay calm and let mum have a few easy days of it? Fine, said they.

Yesterday, quit day: DH brought me breakfast in bed, allowed me a nice long lie-in, ran me a bath and then did the weekend shop. Kids were asking how I was feeling and whether there was anything they could do for me. Everyone stays calm, we have a lovely day and I'm beginning to believe that I might be able to do this.

Today: DH cleared off at 8.30 to visit his mother - hadn't told me he was going. I had to take DS2 to football (normally DH takes him) and stand in the freezing cold for 90 minutes. Got home to discover DS1 had been playing football indoors and had smashed one of a set of 4 quite expensive lights in the lounge. I burst into tears. Recovered my cool by midday and went to the fridge to check what DH had bought for lunch today. Pasta. I don't eat pasta. Tear down to the supermarket for something we all eat. Dash home and start to cook it. DH rings at 1pm to say he's had lunch with his mother, so don't worry about cooking for him.

Meanwhile, kids are killing each other and withdrawal symptoms are killing me so I decide to take them bowling. They continue fighting in the car, all the time we are there and all the way back. Get home at 5pm to find DH with his feet up, reading the Sunday papers. The washing up from lunch is still in the sink.

DH has just told me that he is away on business for the next 3 days. DS1 is kicking off because he lost his pencil case before half term, swears that he told me (he didn't) and is blaming me for not replacing it. Finally I burst into tears, and DH says that if this is what giving up smoking does to me I need to see my GP again.

AIBU to get a kitchen knife and brandish it round the house and not stop until they agree to actually support me through this?

You are making way too much of this.

Just read the Allen Carr book and take yourself in hand, fgs.

just have a fag

Go for the kitchen knife and make sure it's large and sharp YANBU

Good luck and I really hope you do get more support than just one day OP.

"and DH says that if this is what giving up smoking does to me I need to see my GP again"

Christ you're only on day two so your DH could have a bit more patience!!

Obviously difficult for the DC to understand why Mummy is a bit on edge atm but again your DH could be doing more to keep the stress down for you in that area (imo anyway)

I have to say that I found giving up smoking quite a lonely experience most of the time (it'll be a year in April for me so know how you feel!!)

Lonely mainly because it's such a personal and individual thing to go through I mean.

Nevertheless, think you should be given more than one day's consideration so grab that knife and start chasing.

I'll put the Benny Hill chasing music on

Stay stong, you CAN do this!!!!

D'oh, stray strong of course

yes I'm afraid you are. Sorry. I chose to start smoking, and I chose to quit. I suffered my mother's many attempts to quit. She always managed to create a drama so terrible it warranted a fag. I'm not saying you are doing this, but giving up means facing your problems without fags from the beginning!

Also, I totally promise you it gets better after three days. THREE DAYS!!! You won't believe it til you've tried it, but I swear to you.

And on a separate note, it may open your eyes to all sorts of shit that's been going on around you that you'd normally ignore. You may have to challenge dp and dcs on behaviour that sounds unnacceptable, whether you're quitting or not.

Have you tried the nicotine micro pills you put under your tongue? taste awful, but do take the edge off. And stick with it, apparently once you get past day three the nicotine addiction is all but gone, and then it's just the reflex of habit... No idea if that is true, but I did find it easier from day 4 onwards. You can do it!

I think you're doing brilliantly
and not long to go til you pass the 3 day mark
do you have a support meeting coming up soon?
Are you saving the money you'd normally spend on fags to do something fabulous with? Just for you like shopping spree, spa, hair treatment etc

YANBU

You NEED to buy Allen Carr's books, I really do mean NEED TO!

I quit 3 years ago, almost by accident. I was very ill with flu and realised I hadn't smoked for 3/4 days so decided to see how long I could go for. That day I bought Allen Carr's book and am so thankful I did. I'm not sure I could have lasted this long without him.

Of course, you won't do it until you are ready. The book was recommended to me about 2 years earlier but I did nothing about it. I've also bought the book as gifts to some smoking friends/family, it's telling that they never even read it

What Bibbity said. Buy Allen Carr and get stuck in. I quit last friday (9 days ago) with nary a withdrawal pang, nor bad temper. I promise.

You're doing great. Your dh, on the other hand, sounds like he suits himself all weekend. Is this normal?

ladyfirenze is right - Day 3 is the absolute killer. I'd lock yourself under the stairs and keep well away from anyone if I were you!

YANBU to expect support but YABU if you think everyone has to walk on eggshells.

privategodfrey you little minx!

I thought this was going to be about family members lighting up all around you :o

You'd still feel like crap you know, if they'd all behaved perfectly. And if you do give in and have a fag, it'll be down to you, not them.

But YANBU to ask for some sensitivity and understanding

I've given up a couple of times - last time was for nearly 4 years. Took it up again when my Mum got ill last year unfortunately.

I will give up again eventually soon and will warn the children that I will be the motherfuckingbitchfromhell for a few days and to try not to upset me.

Other than that you need to take responsibility for your own addiction, end of.

YANBU your DH sounds like he's being a bit of an arse regardless of whether you're giving up or not. Has he ever smoked? Is he doing this on purpose for some reason?

If you're feeling a bit tetchy AIBU is a good place to start a ruck if you have some aggression to release, if you need more gentle support maybe try a different topic?

You can do this , the first few days are the worst and it does get better. I've been nearly a year now and it's just normal to be a non-smoker.

I think it's harder for you OP because you've said that you have to give up, not that you want to give up.

It's a shame you are not getting much support but the world isn't going to stand still because you can't have a smoke. The children won't miraculously start behaving and your DH isn't going to turn into Mr Supportive if that wasn't how he was in the first place.

I agree , having to give up and not wanting to give up makes a huge difference.

The Allan Carr book did nothing for me, neither did the few rounds of Champix that I took, I started smoking each time straight after finishing the course.

I don't want to give up, but medically I need to.

I do feel for you, I have just sat through a lecture from a friend of mine who is convinced I am going to make my DH a widower within the next few years. He is probably right.

Please keep at it, I agree it's tough but I am sure you can get through this

Thanks for the encouragement (most of you).

I tried quitting with Allen Carr - I went on one of his courses years ago, but it just didn't work for me. Next quit group meeting is on Wednesday, so I have 3 more days to get through.

DH never writes anything in the diary, so I never know what is happening from one day to the next. I went on about how important it was that we should plan this together when we all talked it through last weekend, but the business trip came up after that and DH just didn't connect the two. Same with the visit to his DM. He works in a very "ethereal" sort of business world so his mind is elsewhere half the time.

The kids are just ratty at the end of half term because the weather has been vile. The fighting isn't physical, but they were just winding each other up and that ended up in shouting matches.

I suppose what I'm struggling with is that they all go on about wanting me to give up. In the past they've moaned because I didn't get any other support and tried to go it alone. This time I've done everything I can - seen the GP, got the NRT, signed up with the support group, followed the suggestions to the letter. Everyone says that the support of family and friends is important and yet the best they can manage is 24 hours of playing nicey-nicey (to an almost ridiculous level) and then suddenly it's old news and normal service is resumed. No bloody staying power!

Not once today have they even referred to it (apart from DH's comment) or said "well done". I have to come on MN to get that.

I was a heavy smoker for 15 years, and had many failed attempts to quit. I just did it one day, and have not smoked now for 15 months. I will not say it is easy, some days all I can think about is smoking, even after all this time.

I don't think it's an addiction that goes away, not mentally anyway. You just need bucket loads of will power to resist the urge. You can do it. I feel so much better now despite the cravings.

And YABU, a little bit. I won't bore you with the stresses that I had when I gave up, but the concise version would be (all of these were happening at the same time): being pregnant with bad SPD, some crazy nutter stalking me and turning up in my garden periodically wearing a balaclava, my DP going mad and being sectioned, my DD1 being ill with a long term problem...oh I could go on, and I could have used any of these as an excuse to smoke again. Life is hard, but no matter what it throws at you just remember that having a fag does not make your problems go away, you will just feel like you have failed afterwards.

smallsniffle I never visit the Health section on MN (or anywhere on the net) because it just makes me neurotic and there isn't anywhere much else on here that does the job. I need a few of the robust comments anyway just to make me think straight.

privategodfrey You're right - it is weird being told that you have to give up, and it has moved the goal posts to the next stadium. I think that's why I've tried to do it all "properly" this time. I just thought that DH and DC had grasped that because I explained it to them so carefully last weekend.

Youngest is in bed now, the others are behaving themselves and I haven't been out to buy fags. Thank you Mumsnetters - I think I will still be smoke-free when I wake up tomorrow morning, and tomorrow is another day.

Good luck Waltons. And just think, if you could get through today 'fag free', tomorrow is gonna be a piece of piss cake :)

YABU.

The harsh truth:

"The Allan Carr book did nothing for me" - don't just shrug it off. It only works if you want to give up, and if you don't want to give up by the time you've finished reading it, you need to read it again until you do.

Tiptoeing around you is like tiptoeing around a napping baby - soon it won't work any other way. Subconsciously or not, people often fall into thinking that eventually either something magic will happen or there is always a worst case scenario which justifies a smoke. If you are doing this by counting the days and unrealistically expecting nothing to go wrong in the meantime, you are setting yourself up to fail.

Take it from someone who knows, and who has seen relatives die this way.

"Not once today have they even referred to it (apart from DH's comment) or said "well done". I have to come on MN to get that."

No you don't - you can tell yourself :) If you feel you are doing it for other people then it is easier to blame them for not succeeding.

waltons I was a very heavy smoker for nearly 30 years [did manage a few serious attempts at quitting]. I know it would be nice if your family supported you but that's not happening. It's up to you to make the most of your particular situation. There is never a perfect time and never a perfect situation. You have to make it the right time. You can do this, no matter how difficult it is at first, it will get easier bit by bit.
I am coming up to 5 years as a nonsmoker, and I can't begin to tell you how worth it quitting is. Just hang in there, take it hour by hour at first, then day by day.
Best of luck, you can do it, and one day you will actually enjoy being a nonsmoker. It took me 4 months to get to that stage, and that is the day I finally broke free of my addiction.