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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be angry and hurt i have been informed of my best friends pregnancy via a blanket text from her DH?

32 replies

superv1xen · 27/02/2011 15:04

my best friend has been trying for a baby for ages with her DH

if anyone remembers my other thread, this is the same friend whose DH is an absolute cunt i don't like or get on with due to him being a control freak, a perv and a lazy workshy bastard. we made up the other week, sort of :( but he is still trying to stop her seeing me or any of her other mates and i have only seen her once in 5 weeks Hmm

this morning i received a text from her twat DH saying "hello everyone, we are sooo happy to annouce we are expecting a new addition to the family in september xxxx", it was obviously a blanket text sent to several people at once. and bizarre he has included me in the text as he has told his DW he can't stand me and won't even "let" her have me in their house Confused

aibu to feel hurt that she has not contacted me personally to tell me? with both my pregnancies i either rang or met up with my close friends personally to tell them my good news. and the text wasn't even from her it was from her "D"H.

i want to congratulate her (even though i think she is mad for having a baby with such a twunt but thats a whole different story) as this is something she really wanted, but at the same time, i am not replying to his text to congratulate him because i hate him. and i can't really text or facebook her because he seems to see everything she gets sent via either.

OP posts:
balloonballs · 27/02/2011 15:07

Is there a chance he's messages everyone without telling her?
If he's as much of a cock as you reckon might be she has no idea.

TimeToStartACHEEKYDiet · 27/02/2011 15:09

I would ring HER and speak to her a bout it. Sod him.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2011 15:10

If she knows you hate her DH she probably doesn't want to tell you personally as she knows how you feel.

FamilyCircus · 27/02/2011 15:10

I would be hurt as well, but I'd try not to let on that it had bothered me. I think it's horribly controlling of him to text his wife's news to her friends. Surely she should be able to tell people herself.

I would text your friend, say congratulations and suggest meeting up.

balloonballs · 27/02/2011 15:11

Either that or, as Soup, says she feels your relationship has been soured by your feelings about him.

worraliberty · 27/02/2011 15:12

Maybe she didn't tell you because she knows you wouldn't be happy for her having a baby with him and at this stage, she just wants to be congratulated by people who are happy if that makes sense?

PeterAndreForPM · 27/02/2011 15:13

oh, I worry for this friend of yours, SV Sad

BendyBob · 27/02/2011 15:14

He might be all the things you say but he's her dh. It sounds like she's caught in the middle of you both and as others have said she is probably well aware how you feel.

A blanket text wouldn't offend me tbh. I think you are being a bit oversensitive because you don't like him.

Original poster
superv1xen · 27/02/2011 15:28

she doesnt know how much i dislike him.

i have deliberately been sensitive and constructive when he has come up in conversation, she has no idea that i actually hate him!

OP posts:
worraliberty · 27/02/2011 15:30

She's your best friend, I'm sure she knows.

SoupDragon · 27/02/2011 16:58

How do you think she is feeling right now? You, her supposed best friend, have not congratulated her on her long wished for pregnancy.

Just phone her.

stainesmassif · 27/02/2011 17:37

I doubt it was your bf's choice. If he's as bad ad you say he is she probably didn't get the option. Typical controlling behaviour. Call her. She needs you.

foreverondiet · 27/02/2011 18:07

Its a shame you are so upset, but when I was pregnant each time I didn't really want to announce it to the world... I told my parents and siblings, said that it wasn't a secret and didn't tell anyone else. DH I am sure told some people. Different people want to break the news in different ways. Most people found out via DD and DS1 at school, or when it became obvious.

TBH because it took a while to get pregnant I didn't really want to say anything as I felt that a big announcement followed by lots of congratulations would be tempting fate. Wanted people to find out not from me.

zipzap · 27/02/2011 18:19

send the same text message to both of them - sending your congratulations.

if her dh is so controlling but you think he is blanket texting everybody, it will be doing the same thing back to him to tell them both that you are very excited about their news.

Not in any way because you want to congratulate him; but then to him it will look like you are sending congrats to both of them. would look odd if you just replied to him and not her, but as he has sent the text could also look odd (especially to him) if you don't reply to him.

also if your friend is newly pregnant she may be suffering from morning sickness etc and be feeling rough and not up to much at the moment. So you can text and see if she is ok and how she is doing. would be a great opportunity to innocently offer to have a girlie catch up and talk about being pregnant and babies and whatnot, hopefully without her hubbie being around. you can always say that she might be comfortable discussing stuff in front of other men if the situation were reversed but you're not, rather than make it a direct attack on him IYSWIM.

might be a good chance to get your friendship back on track a bit and try to circumvent the husband. also I guess friendships do change when babies start appearing; in the start just because you spend so much time with the new baby trying to get yourself and it together that you don't get so much time to see everyone, so it's a good time to forge a new foundation for the friendship.

OP - are you the lady that was getting married and this friend wasn't going to come? Hope the wedding went well if it was you!

solooovely · 27/02/2011 18:38

The thing that pops into my mind (not at all the question asked) but that it seems to be early to be telling lots of people if the baby isn't due until September.

I think you should be honest but tactful about what you think of him. You are entitled to an opinion and there is no reason you have to keep it secret. I wouldn't be able to NOT say something anyway. I do remember your previous posts about this though and that you were very worried about her cutting you off. Are you that one? The one who was getting married?

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/02/2011 18:41

Fucking hell - everytime you post about her it just gets worse and worse... her poor little DD :( I was hoping she'd wake up and smell the coffee before she got pregnant :(

ChippingInMistressSteamMop · 27/02/2011 18:44

Sorry - that completely ignored your question didn't it.

Yes - YABU in feeling hurt & angry that this is how you were told. I don't say that to be harsh, not at all. You know what a controlling, nasty, evil fucking piece of work he is and how bloody stupid she is being - you can't take it personally xx I don't know what it's going to take for her to wake up to him, but when she does she is really going to need you - try not to let him come between you x

mrsscoob · 27/02/2011 19:05

You should speak to her, she may have wanted to tell you herself and he has just got in first, possibly even deliberately to ignore her feelings.

Original poster
superv1xen · 27/02/2011 20:31

yes solovely that was me. and what you said about being honest but tactful is exactly what i have been.

we have made up but he has told her he hates me and doesn't want to see me (as if i am fucking bothered lol) but i think he is influencing her and making it difficult for me to see or speak to her, as although we have supposedly made up, i have only seen her once in the 5 weeks since this all happened. before this, we would see eachother a few days a week and speak every day usually by facebook but now we don't speak at all, i try and contact her but get nothing back.

maybe i am being U in being angry but i can't help it because i don't know why she doesnt stand up to him. if it was me i bloody well would!!! i dont know what she is scared of, if its of him leaving, he would never leave her, he has got it too bloody good.

OP posts:
Original poster
superv1xen · 27/02/2011 20:32

and i dont want to keep chasing her like some pathetic idiot either! :(

OP posts:
mmsmum · 27/02/2011 20:38

From the op I'd say he's gone ahead and sent out the text without her knowledge/consent. It would explain why he included you, because he knows it would make both of you unhappy. He's an arse, don't take it out on your friend. Give her a call and tell her how genuinely happy you are for them

Original poster
superv1xen · 28/02/2011 09:43

yeah he knew it would upset me hearing it via text, from him Angry

damn i hate him soooooooo much

also another poster said it was really soon to tell people as she isnt due till september, i agree, i waited till the 12 week scans to tell people when i was pregnant with my DC (obviously apart from very close family) weird.

OP posts:
RunforFun · 28/02/2011 09:48

I would just phone her.

When we announced DC3 I had to get DH to do it as I kept bursting into tears (damm hormones).

It kinda looked bad I thought (even though it was a really happy occasion for us) nso it seemed easier for DH to do it.

ZombiePlan · 28/02/2011 13:24

The way I see it, you've got a brilliant opportunity to get back in more regular contact with her. Why not pop round with a bunch of flowers sometime when you know she'll be in? Or arrange to meet for a celebratory lunch (make it a girly one, so he won't tag along)? Cue lots of girly bonding time doing baby related stuff - coffee and baby chat, shopping for the things she'll need, etc.

As far as it being too soon to tell people goes, surely that depends on how she feels about it? If she's happy with people knowing at this stage, what's the issue? (Obv if she wanted to keep it quiet till after her 1st scan, that's another story).

Flisspaps · 28/02/2011 13:25

It's just another opportunity for him to take control, and spoil her moment telling you/others later on.