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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want my children shouted and bellowed at by my parents......?

43 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:13

My parents were very strict and moody when I was growing up. I never knew whether I'd get home from school to hugs or a telling off. They're still very moody and uptight now but in general are pretty good with my kids and seem to enjoy spending time with them. I never ask them to have the DCs, they always ask to have them.

Occasionally, despite asking to have them, my 2 DDs (DS never stays as he's too little) will come home and say that Nan and/or grandad has been in a bad mood the whole time they've been there. Yesterday they asked to have both girls overnight (aged 12 and 6). The girls stayed and were dropped off this morning. When my mum had gone, DD1 said that my dad shouted and shouted at her last night for not getting ready for bed quickly enough, and made her cry, then she was sent to bed where she cried for ages. Okay, she does dawdle sometimes but I don't think it warrants an enormous bollocking, especially as it's meant to be fun staying with grandparents and they'd asked to have her. Then this morning she said my dad started shouting at her again about it all and made her cry. DD2 said she was drinking milk when my dad started shouting and it made her jump so she spilt a bit of milk on the table and then my mum shouted at her.

Clearly there was something on my parents' minds to make them in a bad mood like this but AIBU in thinking they're wrong to shout and make my girls cry when they hadn't actually done anything wrong. Both have said they don't want to go anymore as "Nan and Grandad make up things we've done wrong and tell us off". They did the same with me as a child too BTW, bollocked me for nothing...

OP posts:
BuzzLiteBeer · 27/02/2011 13:16

so why exactly would you send them there? Confused

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:17

Because most of the time they're good grandparents, if a little uptight, and the girls enjoy going there as they do nice things with them. Unless they're both in a "mood" of course....

OP posts:
LadyThumb · 27/02/2011 13:17

So, stop putting your children through this, especially as you know how YOU felt. It is very unfair. Just tell your parents the reason why.

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 13:17

No bloody way. My father can be very like this (I have threads about it haha) but if he ever yelled at dd and made her cry (bar a situation where it was for her own safety if you see what I mean) I'd be having words and she wouldn't go again.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:18

It would cause no end of trouble in the family if I told them why, LadyThumb....I'm going to just make various excuses in future I think.

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 27/02/2011 13:18

When they ask to have them again say no, say that the last time they stayed they were shouted at for no reason and don't want to stay. Simple. Tell the truth.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 13:18

So stop them going and tell your parents why.

When they ask for the children to stay over, say "No. We won't be doing that again, because I am not happy to have you bellowing at my children."

Or don't even wait. Phone them up and say "I am tired of you bellowing at my children and they will not be staying with you again."

You have to be assertive. This is in your hands.

Hardandsleazy · 27/02/2011 13:19

Yanbu- sounds like you have handled
This well to date (you had your issues but let dad build
Their relationship with grandparents in a way that was not
Forceful on either side).

I would explain to your parents if they ask again why dd won't go and leave it at that. It doesn't mean they can't have a relationship
But not one where dds are exposed to these moods.

I realize typing this that I am empathizing as had similar issued with my mum that therapy has helped me process. Also I am not of
School that (within reason) grandparents cant discipline your child
But this sounds excessive. I am also assuming that there is no reason to doubt your dds version of events.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:19

Just wanted to add too that I always give the girls an option of not going, they usually say yes if my mum asks if they want to go, but they know they don't have to go if they don't want to.

OP posts:
Ooopsadaisy · 27/02/2011 13:19

Tell them their behaviour is unacceptable.

My parents behaved appallingly when I was a child. (Long story).

So when I was expecting DC1 I told them in no uncertain terms that if they acted up in front of him then they would both miss out on being grandparents.

They behave differently now. It was very empowering.

I wish someone could have saved my childhood too.

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 13:20

I would limit the time your DD stay there.

If you can, tell them that why. That your DDs love them but don't like being shouted at for nothing.

cherrychoo · 27/02/2011 13:21

My mother is like this, for this reason i do not take my son to her house and she never comes to mine so he isnt in her company at all ever.

I would never ever leave him with her.

Can you not just only go when you are staying there, but never leave them over night again.
Also, are you going to say anything to them about what your kids are saying about what went on?

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 13:21

I know how hard these family things can be, but you need to tell then. Apart from anything else you can't move forward and resolve it if you do.t, and your dc need to see you stand up for thwm.

It doesn't have to be confrontational , just next time they ask to have them say no, and explain they were upset last time.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:21

Hardandsleazy, generally I can rely on DD2 particularly to give me a good account of events, and both girls told me separately what happened and it all tallies up IYKWIM, so I'm pretty sure it's all accurate.

Funnily enough I've been having therapy too for various reasons but how I was parented is a big factor in some of the issues I've had, especially low self esteem as I was shouted at and/or ignored in a sulk so much.

OP posts:
MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 13:21

Oh, and don't make it the girls' decision. That is unfair on your DDs. They are children, they should not be put into the position of being worried about upsetting their grandparents. You have to stand up for them.

I understand that it will be hard, but you have to do what no one did for you.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 13:22

So rather than speak assertively as an adult and take charge of the treatment of your children, you will make excuses so as not to anger or upset your parents?

Sounds like you are frightened of them too. Sad

cheekeymonkey · 27/02/2011 13:22

Don't send them anymore, if they ask to have them again tell them why the children don't want to go anymore. You never know they might think about it and change. They have obviously no idea that they made you unhappy as a child so it's probably not necessary to bring that up as that can't be changed now.It is nice however that they ask to see their gc, wish it was the same for me, saying that I had very similar upbringing to you it seems. Walking on egg shells is not good for you in the long run.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:22

If I confronted my parents about it or stood up to them they'd both never speak to me again.....

OP posts:
Hardandsleazy · 27/02/2011 13:23

Can understand not wanting to cause family fallout but I think continuing to allow dds to go when they are unhappy is worse.

And agree with madam lindt- shorter visits less
Scope for bellowing (and also the whole bedtime thing is inflammatory to most patient of people - that is not defending your parents just saying that maybe one way of avoiding incidents in future).

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 13:24

They sound like bullies.

And you are scared of them. You make sure you do nothing to anger them.

Original poster
Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:24

Hec, I have to admit yes I am a bit scared of them still. I've only been having my therapy for a few months and although I'm feeling a lot better about things I haven't got over the fear yet. If my mum has my kids and I go out and think I'm going to be back later than she specifies I get all panicky and nervous. Pathetic I know....

OP posts:
Ooopsadaisy · 27/02/2011 13:24

Awhiteelephant - why would that be a problem - they are causing problems - you don't want that in your life do you?

They fucked up your childhood - do you want your dcs fucked up too?

cherrychoo · 27/02/2011 13:26

im the same, i have never discussed why i dont take my son there, and why she never sees him...actually she never asks about him so its not an issue.

She looks after my sisters kids ALLOT. She screams and shouts at them and smacks my niece, my sister doesnt say anything because A) she relies on my mother 100% for all of her childcare and B) because my mother is very agressive and has attacked my sister for lesser things in the past.
Its a very poisnous and difficult abusive relationship.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 13:26

Not pathetic. Just really sad. - in the true sense of the word, not the sneering sense of the word Grin

But ask yourself this - do you want your children to feel the way you feel? Seeing as they are being treated the way you were. You are an adult and you dare not stand up for your children. Do you want your children to be like that?

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 13:27

To be honest, not speaking to them again sounds great! But I know how hard it is.