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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not want my children shouted and bellowed at by my parents......?

43 replies

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:13

My parents were very strict and moody when I was growing up. I never knew whether I'd get home from school to hugs or a telling off. They're still very moody and uptight now but in general are pretty good with my kids and seem to enjoy spending time with them. I never ask them to have the DCs, they always ask to have them.

Occasionally, despite asking to have them, my 2 DDs (DS never stays as he's too little) will come home and say that Nan and/or grandad has been in a bad mood the whole time they've been there. Yesterday they asked to have both girls overnight (aged 12 and 6). The girls stayed and were dropped off this morning. When my mum had gone, DD1 said that my dad shouted and shouted at her last night for not getting ready for bed quickly enough, and made her cry, then she was sent to bed where she cried for ages. Okay, she does dawdle sometimes but I don't think it warrants an enormous bollocking, especially as it's meant to be fun staying with grandparents and they'd asked to have her. Then this morning she said my dad started shouting at her again about it all and made her cry. DD2 said she was drinking milk when my dad started shouting and it made her jump so she spilt a bit of milk on the table and then my mum shouted at her.

Clearly there was something on my parents' minds to make them in a bad mood like this but AIBU in thinking they're wrong to shout and make my girls cry when they hadn't actually done anything wrong. Both have said they don't want to go anymore as "Nan and Grandad make up things we've done wrong and tell us off". They did the same with me as a child too BTW, bollocked me for nothing...

OP posts:

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:27

No definitely not, I want to stand up for them

OP posts:

Ephiny · 27/02/2011 13:27

YANBU, I wouldn't leave the DDs with them unsupervised. You can do stuff together as a family, but it's not fair for them to be subjected to this when you're not there to stand up for them.

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 13:28

That is really sad, AWE.

It is awful that their treatment of you means that you are in therapy all these years later.

You have to protect your DDs from this. They need to know that their mum was there for them and stood up to their GPs.

Even if you are not strong enough to confront them, limit the time that your DDs go there. You can work your way up to a confrontation, or perhaps write them a letter.

blondepinhead · 27/02/2011 13:29

Oh, this is so sad. I can't really add much to what other people have told you so far, but I think you know that you really can't allow your parents to do to your children what they did to you. You have to be strong and protect them. Do you want your children to be as scared of their grandparents as you clearly are?

MmeLindt · 27/02/2011 13:29

Remember one thing, AWE. You are a better parent than your parents were.

That is brilliant for your DDs. They are lucky to have you.

Ooopsadaisy · 27/02/2011 13:30

Do it. Really.

I did and it helped me come to terms with all the violence and anger I had witnessed as a child. I hadn't realised what a mess I was inside and how much baggage I was carrying.

I took control for my children.

The most empowering thing I have ever done and probably the proudest.

NinkyNonker · 27/02/2011 13:30

Good point MmeLindt.

blondepinhead · 27/02/2011 13:30

Seconded, MmeLindt.

Original poster

Awhiteelephantintheroom · 27/02/2011 13:34

Thanks MmeLindt, that's made me well up :-)

OP posts:

HecateQueenOfWitches · 27/02/2011 13:37

Then stand up for your children!

That may mean you have to make a choice.

Choose your kids!

If your parents decide that that means they will no longer speak to you - that's their choice. I can't imagine a parent cutting out a child they love because the child has asked that their own children are not yelled at.

Main point there, I guess, being child they loved...

you may be surprised. Oh yes, no doubt when you stand up and say 'NO MORE. You will NOT treat my children the way you treated me', they will be shocked and angry. They have been used to you just meekly taking it. But they may well get over it and change.

Or they may not want anything to do with you if you won't allow them to bully you or your children.

WhereYouLeftIt · 27/02/2011 14:12

OP, you can't KNOW that your parents will never speak to you again - and quite seriously, would that present a problem if they did? You are not dependent on them for anything, the relationship is only worth maintaining if they bring an over all positive to it. They sound completely negative to me,aseven when they are not in a mood I would guess you are on tenterhooks waiting for it all to kick off.

As others have already pointed out, their behaviour is not good for your DDs, you know the effect it can have on a young mind, even if your DDs initially missed them and thought fondly of them it could be better in the long run for them to not be exposed to your parents' baggage.

BabyDubsEverywhere · 27/02/2011 14:22

I think that it is very important for our children to see us stand up for them, i cant think of any situation where i wouldnt stand up for them, and let them see that their needs come first for me, and i would loose every relationship i have with everyone i know if i thought they had treated my children poorly/unfairly/aggressivly, etc.

But than come from my own childhood of never being 'stood up for'

InPraiseOfBacchus · 27/02/2011 14:32

You don't have a duty to entertain your parents with your children.

This is a case of a grown man and woman willfully intimidating a child. It sounds like it's purely to satisfy their own personal neuroses and dissatisfaction with their lives. Despite the fun times, there'd be no way I'd send my children there again. It's not worth it to see their nerves and confidence shattered at the whims of some sad, frustrated people.

My parents behaved not quite as bad but similarly. I'm convinced the root of the problem was partly their generation and partly dissatisfaction with their own unfulfilling life choices. They were desperate to transfer their unhappiness onto other people. It's going to be someone, so don't let it be your children.

You're doing well by not ignoring this issue, as I'm sure many would. You have the opportunity to save your kids from the kind of lasting hurt that you've had heaped on you, and I hope you do.

kaid100 · 27/02/2011 14:33

I would limit their contact with the kids to family events like weddings, they are clearly not a good influence or role model.

exoticfruits · 27/02/2011 14:36

I should just not leave them unsupervised. If they ask why, politely, tell them the truth.

glasnost · 27/02/2011 15:41

You say that if you confronted them about it they'd never speak to you again. Yes. And?? If they've mistreated you as a child and are now doing the same - albeit occasionally - to your own children that could be the happiest outcome. Don't foist this abusive treatment on them indirectly because you haven't found the strength to tell your parents what's what. Be stronger for them.

megapixels · 27/02/2011 15:49

Don't send them there! Grandparents are supposed to spoil the DC, well no problem if they don't, but all shouting should be left to the parents .

shewasashowgirl · 27/02/2011 16:08

I wouldn't allow them to stay any more and I'd say why.

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