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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be worried about being a MIL myself one day!

38 replies

AnnyR · 26/02/2011 22:28

I am new to these forums and have had a lot of fun reading threads for a day or two. But, one thing I have found really worries me - so many really awful MILs!!!

My sons are 18 and 21, so obviously one of them will have a relationship in the near future, I should think. I didn't get on at all well with my own MIL, so I don't want to repeat mistakes.

How on earth will I deal with their partners if I don't like them? How do I make sure that I don't cause any issues? I really want them to have great relationships and families of their own. It seems to be a minefield!

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 22:31

There are lots of nice MILs too!

Just make sure you listen to your sons and their DPs, when they have children ASK when you can visit and what they would like you to do to help (some people don't like getting home to find MIL has rearranged the pants drawers, others don't seem to mind at all)

Oh and everything you know about babies having raised two yourself? Scrap it. Babies have changed completely and therefore everything you know is out of date Wink

The fact that you're asking is a good sign Grin, when the time comes you'll be grand!

mmsmum · 26/02/2011 22:36

I will be the MIL from hell, I am planning on it. My baby deserves the best!

SeeJaneKick · 26/02/2011 22:37

I think that you have to remove "you liking them" from the equasion...and accept that if your son likes them then that's all that matters.

And never rearrange the DILS cupboards like mine does. Or start cleaning the shelves.

Angry
Tokyotwist · 26/02/2011 22:38

I think the answer is to have at least 4 children (which I have no intention of doing), that way you're not so involved in any one child that you cannot bare to share them with a s/dil.

Seriously, the fact that you worry about it probably means you'll be a very nice mil.

DorisIsAPinkDragon · 26/02/2011 22:43

There are many good MIL's too but there's usually never any need to post about those so the threads are obviously skewed!Grin

Be there for support but do NOT proffered advice unasked, and do not sit in judgement of the partner your son has chosen (you will never know ALL Wink that makes her appealing to your ds!)

GloriaSmut · 26/02/2011 22:53

Start from the premise that you will like your sons' choice of partner. That's what I've always done did I've had the best of relationships with my DIL and ds1's girlfriends. Always be supportive but don't try and live in their pockets and certainly, don't interfere. How they live/run their houses/treat their dcs is their business and if you respect that then you are far more likely to be asked to contribute ideas or help out.

I always think it's worth remembering how things were when you were at the same age and in the same circumstances and then treat your grown up children and their partners as you would have wanted to be treated.

Original poster
AnnyR · 26/02/2011 23:28

Thanks everyone! It's pretty amazing that my sons haven't yet had any girlfriends - I think they are both gorgeous and lovely chaps. I am very lucky to be so close to both of them, but I know I must eventually take a step back from their lives. I think that was what my MIL's trouble was - my DH and I didn't meet until he was in his 30s and so she had a hard time getting used to the idea that he was going to put me first. I won't go into why our relationship was so awful, but I really don't want to be like that myself!

OP posts:
pippop1 · 26/02/2011 23:54

I also have two boys aged 19 and 22. I'm concerned about being a good MIL and (I hope) GP one day. My idea was to train my boys to be considerate, kind and useful around the house in the hope that they would meet lovely girls who had these qualities too. I'm determined to be as lovely a MIL as I can be (when the time comes).

Someone once told me that they wanted their son to marry an orphan heiress. That way their son wouldn't have a MIL and the DIL would only have them too (and be rich). I don't think there are many orphan heiresses around here.

Original poster
AnnyR · 27/02/2011 00:05

pippop1 - I think you must have the same outlook as me. I am doing exactly the same things with our sons. The good thing about my MIL was that she made sure my DH could look after himself - cook, clean etc. So I have never had to "mother" him.

OP posts:
Oddlygobion · 27/02/2011 20:33

AnnyR, you are a mind reader. I came here especially to search for advice on this topic! My sons are 20 and 17. When they were tiny and I spent a lot of time with other young mums, a frequent topic of conversation was how awful so many MiLs were. I promised myself then I would never be like that and give a younger woman, the mother of my grandchildren, cause to despise me. For a start, let's face it - if she's a keeper and you've already alienated her there will only be one loser.

I have worked very hard indeed with my DS1's GF of a year's standing. She's very shy to the extent that it's occasionally bordered on rudeness, and there were times when I bitterly thought thought my young-mother-self had been a little one-sidedly naive about these 'despised' MILs. However, I think my efforts have paid off. I'm not quite sure how I'd feel if it was someone I really couldn't stand, but approaching a person with a positive desire to get on with them gets you over an awful lot of hurdles!

PigValentine · 27/02/2011 21:14

I am already worried about this.

My DS's are 4 and 1 Grin

There are quite often threads started just to say nice things about MIL's, and I take heart from those.

LeroyJethroGibbs · 27/02/2011 21:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2011 21:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
AnnyR · 27/02/2011 21:40

MadamDeathstare - I will do my best, if and when the day comes! ;)

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 27/02/2011 21:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

chandellina · 27/02/2011 21:45

my MIL is absolutely lovely, and fortunately seems to like me a lot too. I've seen my mother struggle a bit though with my brother's wife.

I think the secret must be to not meddle, not offer advice or opinions on the couple's choices and parenting, unless explicitly asked - and then tread with caution.

What I know my mother has found and I see this as imperative too is that the son's loyalties must always lie with his wife, no matter what.

I imagine it's difficult though when you're meeting girlfriends and have no idea if they'll turn out to be the one.

outnumbered2to1 · 27/02/2011 21:47

my sons are almost 4 and almost 7 and i cannot wait to be a MIL. As my name suggests i am outnumbered in this house and am looking forward to having an ally in a DIL. Already saving naked baby pics (see my profile) to embarrass the boys with lol

Allatsea1 · 27/02/2011 22:41

Half the MIL problems in the world would be solved by MILs keeping their opinions to themselves.

ClittyClatterous · 27/02/2011 22:48

I have 2 DS pregnant with no 3. I worry that eventually they will leave, be engrossed with their new gf's/wife and call me once a month. I'll be the needy MIL, desperate for attention from my departed sons (this is my nightmare anyway). Pregnant but thinking about a 4th just to make sure maybe someone sticks around.

Oddlygobion · 27/02/2011 23:22

Precisely ClittyClatterous. That's why shameless brown-nosing of the DILs is the only way to go. My own MIL is absolutely fine, but I'm not taking any chances.

mumeeee · 27/02/2011 23:28

I am a MIl. Fortunatly I get on very well with my son in law.

DuelingFanjo · 27/02/2011 23:33

How do I make sure that I don't cause any issues?

Don't ask to be at the births Grandchildren and don't expet to be there as soon as the baby comes home or for the days afterwards. Don't try to give advice on childrearing or to have the babies stay your house. Don't create a nursery for them in your home. Don't complain if the DIL's mum spends more time visiting. Don't expect your son to choose you over his wife/partner. Don't try to dictate what happens at their wedding. Don't attend events you have not been invited to. Don't call round without checking it's ok to first. Don't call your DIL's children bastards.

Most of all... have your own life and let your Sons and DIL's have theirs.

MaryThornbar · 28/02/2011 09:12

Don't make demands, (either implied through guilt or real) on your DS & his wife - if you are easygoing they are more likely to want to include you more.

Talk to them, find out what they expect and want from you as a MIL/Grandmother. Some people get upset that their MILs aren't bothered by wedding plans or GCs etc, others hate the fact that they are too involved - so ask what's expected or needed from you and comply!

From my own personal experience, things that I will and won't do as a MIL will be:

Act interested & delighted in the pregnancy and birth of first and subsequent GCs, but at the same time not too interested or interfering.
Not be horrified at the thought of becoming a GM, ask if PG was planned (even though in 30s and married), have more important things to do than be around when GCs are born, but at the same time only be around if asked/expected, only visit when appropriate, be helpful and useful supporting the parents of your GC - not expecting to sit on your backside, hogging the baby and being served up lunch by the knackered new parents. Make your DS&DIL feel special at becoming parents themselves - don't make it all about you. Don't turn up at the hospital completely empty handed, and for subsequent visits. Then once you have realised that it's not that bad being a GM, don't then become obsessed with new GC, have no interest in your own DS, and want to only be alone with GC, don't make it a competition between you and the other GM - you will lose, oh and be extremely safety conscious with GCs... to name a few things...

Realise that it is normal for your DS to now put his own family first, and that you have done your job in raising him. Enjoy his new family's company as a whole, and realise that your DGCs are someone else's children first and foremost.

Oops, realised the above may sound just a weeny bit bitter! :o

psiloveyou · 28/02/2011 09:24

My DH loves my mum. My MIL is a cow she hasn't spoken to us for 5 years.
I will be a great MIL to my DDs partners. My DD1 is 23 and her BF is lovely we get on great.

With DS though I just know it will be so hard to be a nice MIL. I am already dreading any other woman being as important to him as I am and he's only 10.

diddl · 28/02/2011 09:46

"Do you think its harder for mums of boys when they become mils than mums of girls?"

Not necessarily.

I think a lot of MILs don´t realise that their relationship with their son isn´t changed by the DIL-it has already changed.

plus DIL isn´t the "other woman" you don´t need to compete.

She doesn´t want to be his motherGrin

I think things change when there are children as DIL is often the one arranging childcare/babysitting/visits so probably asks her own mum first.

My MIL is her own worst enemy tbh.

When we used to visit parents at a weekend, we stayed with mine-ILs house not big enough.

So, if we went out the children were left with my parents.

ILs would never visit-they always wanted to see the children at their house.

Also, they would never visit the children & I in the week-it had to be a weekend so that they could also see their son for the whole day.

Now I do get that, but if they had visited in a week, my husband would have seen them for a couple of hours when he got in from work-but that wasn´t enough for them.

So, they´d rather miss out on their only GC as well.

They were always a bit all or nothing.

And since we´ve been abroad, they haven´t visited at all.

Even declined Christmas!!!!

(And yes, my husband would have been there the whole time!)

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