Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

to be worried about being a MIL myself one day!

38 replies

AnnyR · 26/02/2011 22:28

I am new to these forums and have had a lot of fun reading threads for a day or two. But, one thing I have found really worries me - so many really awful MILs!!!

My sons are 18 and 21, so obviously one of them will have a relationship in the near future, I should think. I didn't get on at all well with my own MIL, so I don't want to repeat mistakes.

How on earth will I deal with their partners if I don't like them? How do I make sure that I don't cause any issues? I really want them to have great relationships and families of their own. It seems to be a minefield!

OP posts:

exoticfruits · 28/02/2011 09:54

I shouldn't worry, I think that you see the worst on here because people come on to vent about a bad relationship. In RL I don't know anyone who has such problems, they get on fine.
It seems really weird to me that the woman who made your DH who he is (through nature or nurture) is dreadful! It also seems weird to want to produce a DC who can be the spitting image of this woman in either looks or character!!

Original poster

AnnyR · 28/02/2011 10:54

My relationship with MIL started off reasonably well, but deteriorated once we had our 2 DSs. She blamed me for our DS1 being ASD "none of that in our family" and for the fact that I had to become the family breadwinner when my DH became disabled. I was apparently undermining his manhood - erm, we would have lost everything if I had not gone out to work full-time! DH supported me and hardly saw his mother for the last few years of her life. Now, that was sad and I didn't want that to happen.

I think that it might be harder to be MIL when you have sons. I am very lucky to be so close to mine - we are all very tactile and huggy and they talk to me about so much that is going on in their lives. I expect that might change when they do eventually get into relationships and I am very surprised that they haven't yet!

OP posts:

chipmonkey · 28/02/2011 11:23

If you are a nice person generally, then you will probably be a nice MIL.

I do think where a lot of clashes arise is in differences of opinion on child-rearing. Women can have strong opinions on how children should be fed, clothed and put to bed and if these strong opinions are at odds with each other and the MIL can't stop herself from butting in then there is trouble.

But in my case, my MIL just gets a kick out of upsetting people. She has told me I should introduce formula when I was bfing. She has on the other hand told her other DIL that she should start bfing when her dd was 12 weeks old and had been ff from birth! In both cases she had just figured out what comment would hurt the most and went with that!
(SIL actually can't bf due to a medical condition) Now, if you are going to be like that then you will have difficulty in ALL your relationships and her own children frequently clash with her.

I intend to take advantage of my Granny No2 status and let my DILS mother do all the work.

exoticfruits · 28/02/2011 12:29

I think that if you are a nice person generally then you won't have problems and it means that your DSs will be attracted to nice people too. A lot of the problems, both sides, seem to stem from jealously.

exoticfruits · 28/02/2011 12:31

You are only Granny no2 while they are little, once they are older they make their own relationship with family members.

Allatsea1 · 28/02/2011 14:44

DuelingFanjo - are you sure we don't share a MIL?

DuelingFanjo · 28/02/2011 17:37

My mil hasn't done any of the things in my post, it's just some of the stuff I have read on mumsnet over the last few months.

Allatsea1 · 28/02/2011 17:40

Oh my God. I'm the archetypal DIL!

BlingLoving · 28/02/2011 17:46

I agree. My issues with my MIL are, ironically, not about the way she treats me. She's actually very nice to me and has told DH that in a fight, she's always going to take my side because he can be so unreasonable!

But as a person... oh my word, she drives me mad sometimes. She just doesn't have a clue and because her children have been brought up to think she can do no wrong, she gets away with murder.

JingleMum · 28/02/2011 19:53

i've had some worries about becoming a MIL to be honest. i don't have a son yet, i have a DD, but if i ever do have a son i get a bit about the thought of becoming a MIL, mainly because of how i can sometimes feel towards my own MIL.

i do care for my MIL but she has got under my skin a bit since i had DD mainly because she feels she is entitled to private one on one time with DD, she turns up unannounced and re-arranges my cupboards, she also hasn't respected some of my wishes as a parent and gone against them. don't do these things and you will be fine! if i ever become a MIL i would like to be my DIL's friend, be supportive and helpful to her and see her as a member of my family but most importantly treat her with respect as the mother of my grandchild, her child, her rules.

i do think some DIL's are pure bitches though and seem to forget that their partner/husband only has one mother and she will always be important in his life.

chipmonkey · 28/02/2011 21:04

Well, I think I'm fairly safe in one respect, Jingle. I can't get my own cupboards in order so can't ever see myself re-arranging someone elses!

I do think it's fairly clear from most posts that if you don't overstep the mark, you should be fine.

And ladies, do remember that people tend to post on MN to rant! The girls who have nice MILs don't feel the need to post on MN about them, just those of us who are frustrated. You can't shout back at them, so you come on MN and start a thread!

DaffadownDilly · 28/02/2011 21:19

All those with cupboard cleaning MILs, send them this way

RevoltingPeasant · 28/02/2011 21:46

I think the most important thing a MIL can do is probably realise that DIL is a person in her own right.

My MIL is lovely but we can both be quite shy and don't like upsetting others. We kind of walk on eggshells around each other because we are trying to be polite. I am a little envious of her relationship with her other DIL, they're so much more relaxed.

But I've found spending time alone with MIL and talking about mutual interests makes things a lot easier. I really do like her and when we are just chatting then I stop worrying about whether she thinks I'm Good Enough For Her PFB.

Also, to the PP who said her DIL was shy to the point of rudeness: she's probably just really worried about you not liking her. Take her out for coffee.

Flip

1 2