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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not a AIBU, but aWWYD/say? re sisters wedding abroad and no chance in hell affording to go

49 replies

wibblywobblyjelly · 26/02/2011 18:06

Its next march, I'm a single mum struggling as it is, I simply cannot afford it, ds will be 2.5 then so I will be spending the evenings in a hotel room anyway. I would love to go and I really want to be there to see my sister get married. I also know that it's her perfect wedding and there is nothing she'd love more..

I cant seem to see a answer...

OP posts:

rasta · 26/02/2011 18:08

"I'd love to come but I'm sorry I can't afford it"

I had to miss my lovely SIL hen due to the cost but end of the day, I just couldn't afford it.

Catnao · 26/02/2011 18:09

We have a bit of a similar situation - my partner's brother will be getting married in the Summer (next year) in South Africa - his fiancee is South African, and I really don't know how we can afford to go - it may be that just partner goes without me and son, but it may be that none of can afford it, which I know partner's brother will understand - they are having a big "reception" thing when they get home as they know lots of their English family/friends won't be able to afford the actual wedding.

Talk to your sister honestly about your worries? Hope it works out.

Flisspaps · 26/02/2011 18:09

I would say

"I'm really sorry, but there's no way that I can afford it, even if I saved really hard and didn't go out all year. I do wish I could be there, but it just isn't possible"

Hopefully she'll understand. It's all part and parcel of having a wedding abroad - some people just aren't going to be able to attend.

Eglu · 26/02/2011 18:10

Surely your Sister will understand that you can't affors it. She must have thought about it when booking that some people may not be able to make it.

It's a shame as you really want to go, but really not much you can do if you can't afford it.

ladysybil · 26/02/2011 18:11

if she wants to get married abroad, AND she wants her sister there, AND there is no way on earth her sister can go, then, She will have to come up with the m oney for it.

I also wouldnt even plan on taking your ds with you. at 2.5 you will be paying full child whack for him. he wont enjoy it, much. Far better for him to spend quality time with his father, or fathers grandparents, whilst you get four or five days on your own holiday/sisters wedding etc.

If you have a good relationship with her and your parents rest of family, then surely there is some answer to the cost of the trip? I am perhaps naive, but i always think that where there is a will, there is usually a way.

PaperView · 26/02/2011 18:11

You can't afford it so can't go.

If people get married hundreds of miles away from where they live they should expect that not everyone can attend.

sailorsgal · 26/02/2011 18:11

YANBU not to go. She should understand. I know I would if it was my sister.

Maybe she should organise a party for when she gets back.

FreudianSlippery · 26/02/2011 18:11

She should understand if you just say that you are really sorry but you can't possibly afford it.

TBH when people book their weddings abroad, they HAVE to accept that some people will not be able to go - if they make a fuss they ABVVVU.

ashamedandconfused · 26/02/2011 18:12

this is the trouble with weddings abroad, and the expectation some people have that others should move heaven and earth to be there at their special day - when that can mean going without other things more important to the family, or getting into silly debt (not saying YOUR sis is a bridezilla though)

surely your sis knows you are a bit skint? any chance of family chipping in to help, or making it your next birthday/xmas gift?

Menagerie · 26/02/2011 18:13

Be dead straight with her, as you have been here. Tell her you'd love to be with her and that you're so glad that she's having the wedding of her dreams, but that you can't come. Much as you wish you could, you can't afford it and realistically you know you'd spend the whole time in the hotel room with your toddler. Wish her well, say you're there in spirit, write her a beautiful letter and give it to a member of the family to read on the day, then don't feel any guilt.

If anyone in your family is rich, maybe they'll step up and pay for you. If they're not, they should understand. Personal view, but I don't think it's right to expect others to have massive funds available at the drop of a hat just to go to your wedding.

verytellytubby · 26/02/2011 18:13

Just tell her you can't afford it.

Ambi · 26/02/2011 18:13

I'm sure that she wouldn't expect you to ovedtretch yourself financially to be there. I got married abroad and expected that no-one would come, but our parents did which was a bonus. I think that if you plan to get married abroad, it would be incredibly selfish to expect people to be there, it's expensive enough to go to a wedding over here!! She'll understand if you can't make it. There's some things you can do to be part of her day, one of my best friends did me a letter to open as I was getting ready.

Panzee · 26/02/2011 18:15

I though the whole point of going abroad was so that you could avoid inviting people? At least that's why we did it! :o

ashamedandconfused · 26/02/2011 18:16

and for the record, we even had some of DH family members not come to our wedding that was only 300miles north of them, on the expense grounds - fuel/train and B&B - and that was years before silly petrol prices!

nailak · 26/02/2011 18:16

maybe your parents or family members can chip in for you to go?
imo she knows your situation so family should have been THE major consideration when booking the wedding and she should be paying for you. if it was that important to her for you to be there she would have considered it int he planning.

louzie74 · 26/02/2011 18:19

not unreasonable at all.

we had the same situ with hubs sister we really couldnt afford it but would have loved to go(would have cost about 2k),seems tho hubs mum and dad did think it was totally unreasonable of us and havent spoken to us or their grandchildren for for about 14 months now.

earwicga · 26/02/2011 18:19

Don't people get married abroad so their families don't go?

newgirl · 26/02/2011 18:20

As it is a year away can you save up? Where is it?

PaisleyLeaf · 26/02/2011 18:20

Oh I'd hate this because then whatever you spend over the next year will be scrutinized.
Hopefully enough people won't be able to make it that they'll put some sort of reception on over here afterwards and you can celebrate with them there.

PaperView · 26/02/2011 18:22

Only 300 miles?? only? We wouldn't go either! (5 of us to accommodate)

fatlazymummy · 26/02/2011 18:25

2 of my 4 siblings didn't attend my wedding [for various reasons]. I was disappointed, but I had to accept it. They couldn't arrange their lives around my wedding day. Sometimes it's just one of those things that can't be helped.

ashamedandconfused · 26/02/2011 18:33

paperview - i was saying ONLY 300 miles as opposed to a wedding abroad, with flights and hotels etc

some of Dh family I think just used the 300 miles as an excuse not to come - only couples, no kids, and they only really needed one night B&B. At that time we were living away from the family and did the round trip in a weekend every 2 months! But I know not everyone is liek that and we did not mind a bit

and yes, as a family we would think twice, there are 5 of us to accomodate now, and it would have to be part of our holiday or a very special event for us to go 300miles for - abroad would just be a no.

xstitch · 26/02/2011 18:35

You'll just have to explain the way you explained to us. Like others have suggested write her a lovely letter for the big day. It would take me more than a year to save to go anywhere, I would have to cut out more meals to save a fiver a month and I doubt you would get very far on £60. Surely family will understand.

I had people take a strop and refuse to travel 6miles to my wedding, I would have totally understood about people travel 100s of miles.

Original poster

wibblywobblyjelly · 26/02/2011 18:39

I'm really really gutted. she did say she'd most probably have a party/reception when she gets bank, just so sad to be left out of it all. I did cheekily think maybe my parents could help but thats some very big wishfull thinking on my part!!

Its in las vagas and would cost just under £1500 for flights and hotel for both of us. And even if i could manage to save that sort of money, I've been wanting to move for 3 years, and learn to drive..i just cant justify it.

OP posts:

Panzee · 26/02/2011 18:40

Loads of Vegas weddings do live webcams. You'll still be able to watch.

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