shouldn't parents work together

[iamagleek]

This is my first time on here, I have spoken to my mum but she always sides with me because she doesn't like my OH so would really like some unbiased advice.
So yeah the situation is this, I am studying to be a teacher whilst my OH has in essence has become a house husband. I feel as if I am working really hard to make life better for us as a family and I don't feel as if he is really with me, he lets the children walk all over him, every time I come home the house is a mess so far the children have been allowed to draw in pencil over most walls/doors, they have been allowed to break/lose toys, and had access to coins that they have then posted through some oil-fired heaters.
I just feel as if he is not doing his part to bring up the children properly he cares for them but not much more,
Then I feel ungrateful as I know I am lucky that I have a man who is willing to even look after the children.
He fails to see danger at all for example my 2 year old has managed to open the front door, my OH just says 'oh he couldn't do that before' and I just don't think that is good enough. sorry to rant, any advice please

i am always a bit about women being grateful that their partners "look after" their childrne
he isn't their babysitter - he is their dad.

Anyway, is he happy being a house husband? It isn't acceptable that the kids draw on walls etc and the environment isn't safe

how old are your children?

what does he do with the kids?

does he take them out, to activities, cook with them etc?

or are they indoors all day?

The oldest is 4 and the youngest is 2 and a half, yes he does let them out in the garden and he does do stuff with them more than some men I imagine.
I don't think he minds being with the children but he admits he has his days where he struggles.
He does play trains, and stuff that he wants to play with. We have no routine and there seem to be veyr few boundaries and from where I am I can't just come home and be there. I feel like we should all be doing our part for our family and I just don't think that is happening.

well talk to him

get some boundaries in place

some rules - doens't need to be hardcore

at 4 and 2.5 they can help clean and tidy stuff and get involved in household chores

he needs to go to some groups and socialise so he doesn't become isolated

i am a WOHM (ft) and when i am at home, I can struggle so we always have a plan - even a trip to the post office, stopping off at the swings on the way back can fill time

I don't seem to stop talking to him. I told him for months to go to surestart and he is only now considering it now that the health visitor has said something. About two months ago we decided we couldn't fix everything so one thing at a time,

so one was to follow through on what we have said;

and the second was to reduce the amount of treats they were getting,

Also introducing a reward chart but I swear I may as well be talking to a brick wall as nothing changes, I swear I feel like we could end up breaking up over this.

We have been together nearly seven years and I wonder if I am only noticing all these things because I ma not in the thick of it.

Tbh it irritates me when the parent that isn't around through the day tries to dictate the parenting style of the one that is. He's obviously more laid back than you.

Children are messy. Allowing them the draw on walls would piss me off but them helping themselves to a pencil and doing it on the quiet is different. Breaking / losing toys? Meh, toys get broken and lost by 2 and 4 year olds. Kids love "posting" things in completely inappropriate places - usually the dvd player in this house. Presumably the front door is now locked and no harm came to the child?

I do think he should be telling them off for all these things and explaining why they shouldn't do them but YABU to expect them not to happen in the first place.

I presume he pulls his weight as far as cleaning and tidying goes? If not then you need to pull him up on that. YABU to expect the house not to be messy when you come home. How about one of you cooks tea and the other tidies up with the kids?

Would de-cluttering help? Do you have good storage?

Don't get me wrong I expect children to be children, but I also expect him to be watching them so that things that are dangerous don't happen, so locking the front door so the children don't get out, instead he waits for the dangerous thing to occur and then blames the kids.

Yes I know what you mean, with me studying I am not at home that often as I am in london and they are in lincolnshire, every time I do go home I try to de-clttuer and I then ask him to take it to the tip.

I just wish he would set some boundaries where the children are concerned as sometimes what they are doing is dangerous or just plain naughty.

I use a time out step as that works really well but he never uses it he just lets them get away with murder I don't want to come home to two sulky spoilt children.

The thing is everyone has a different perception of what is dangerous and at what point it becomes dangerous iyswim. Do you really not trust him to keep your kids safe? If the honest answer is "no" then you have a massive problem.

You can't expect him to go to Surestart if he doesn't want to. It's intimidating to start something new if you don't know anyone and even more so if you're worried that you'll be the only man, which may well be the case. Personally I go to every activity going but not everyone wants to do that. I think you have to accept that you can't control how he spends his day. He's an adult and it's really up to him.

On the face of it he sounds a bit laid back and you sound a bit controlling.

Yes I am a bit controlling especially when it comes to the children, which is why I seem to nag and nag at him.

Yes surestart can be intimidating they do a dads group which I have encouraged him to go to, but as I say it was only when the health visitor said he should go that he has actually considered going as if my opinion doesn't count. I actually think he needs to get out and do something as being at home with the children can be so isolating if you allow it to be.

With my youngest he is a physical child he is always climbing, jumping and pushing his physical boundaries and you need eyes in the back of your head, my OH just doesn't realise that he needs to be over aware of the dangers of my son jumping up and down on the sofa or climbing up on the sofa and onto the window sill,

IMO, if you have both agreed that he is to be the stay at home parent then it is difficult for you to then want to be 'in charge', as someone else has said, he is not a babysitter, he is their dad.

Try and read through what you have posted but reverse the roles. If my DP said to me (stay at home mum) what you appear to be saying I wouldn't be too happy. It seems to be all criticism.

But, in another way, he should be doing his best to do what all 'stay at home parents' do, so of course he seems to do 'more than most men', it can be hard for stay at home dads to be clear about their role & is better to try to forget gender.

He's probably getting defensive if you're nagging him which means he'll be less receptive to your suggestions.

It is a shame he's not keen to go to the Dad's group but it is his decision and arguing about it is pointless.

I have a two year old like yours - it is incredibly wearing. Am I right in thinking that you are not home every night? That's hard on both of you.

Talk to him. Has to be face to face when the kids are in bed. Preferably with a glass of wine in hand.

Tell him you're really grateful that he is supporting you in your studies by looking after the kids full time. You love him very much and you realise what hardwork the kids are at this stage. Ask him how he feels about the arrangement. Take it from there.

You have to accept that he will do things differently from you because you are different people but if he is struggling or feeling depressed then hopefully he'll speak to you about it. If he feels he is fine and doing the best he can then I think you have to accept that.

Like you I work full time while DH is at home with 19 month old and 4 yr old. Many a time I have been pissed off at the state of the house when I have walked in - just general mess, no vandalism but that's just because my ds hates drawing otherwise I'm sure I would have had that too.

However, ultimately I know that my dh does a fab job. He is involved with the dc all day, he focuses on them. He doesn't do everything my way and, like you, I feel he is more laid back than me, unlike you I see that as a good thing as I am a bit of a controller.

You can't make your dh do things your way, as long as he is concentrating on them all day and they are not just in front of the tv while he amuses himself then the other stuff really doesn't matter. Regarding the front door incident, surely we have all had stuff like that happen where a child surprises us by doing something potentially dangerous they've shown no sign of doing before. I know I have. As long as steps are taken to ensure it doesn't happen again then I think you need to let that one go.

My dh does go to a toddler group occasionally but he more often goes to the park and has made a few friends there - he found it less intimidating. One of the highlights of the week is changing the bedding in our room, they turn it into a huge game apparantly and it takes most of a morning. I've been off this week and saw for myself ds1's face light up when dh mentioned changing the beds! It wouldn't occur to me and I'm not keen on the ensuing mess but they are happy so, ultimately, so am I.

Tbh, I think that part of your problem is that you used to be the sahp and that has changed (aplogies if this is not the case) It must be hard to adjust and see your dh not doing things your way but I think you need to let him find his own style. If you come across as angrily to him as you seem on here then he is likely to get defensive and feel he can never please you.

I think you need to set a few 'rules' and then let him get on with it his way. Ours are that dh tidies up while I put the dc to bed and I have convinced him that letting ds2 play with the boxes of jigsaws etc is silly as then we have nowhere to put stuff. That is it. He is in charge in the day, I'm not even here so he has to do stuff that he feels comfortable with.

The bottom line is you have to trust him and if you really don't then you shouldn't really be leaving the dc with him anyway.

Also, I think you should apologise to him for nagging. I realise you feel its justified but it's not working and I think you need to get things back on an even keel between the two of you. You want him to be supportive but he needs you to be supportive in return.

Sorry OP, but it sounds like you want your OH to do it your way. It also seems that you expect him to be supportive of you, but you don't seem to be supportive of him?
It isn't so easy to juggle small kids/meals/house, and I imagine is it even more of a stregth for guys doing it for first time.
So, set a few expectations with him, and then let him get on with it in his own way.

Is his heart in this..... to me it sounds as if he might not really enjoy being at home full time with 2 DC.

But things like the front door are quite normal. My DS worked out all the painstakeingly put on cuboard locks before he was two.

YOu have two totally different parenting styles, and as he is the stay at home parent I feel you should let him do things his way most of the time.

YOu cannot have it all a study type job/career and be a full time parent, you aren't.

YOu are undermining him at every turn I am surprised he has not said fuck ya you do it. YOu are expecting too much, it is hard enough for a mother to be a SAHM let alone a dad.

YANBU. Drawing on walls etc is not acceptable behaviour. You need to talk to your OH about boundaries for your kids and being consistent in enforcing them!

And why is it any harder for a man to be SAH than a woman?

It's not harder on a day-to-day basis, how well you are suited to it depends on your personality not your gender.

However, it is harder if you are taking on a role that goes against cultural expectations and if you don't have any family or friends who have done things a similar way. The OP's husband may be struggling with feeling he should be the breadwinner. It shouldn't be that way but it is. This will change as more and more men take on the role but it does mean that some men will feel they are 'failing' in some way but not doing what they feel a man 'should'.

Add to this a wife who criticises everything you do...sorry OP but that is how you come across!

The house is usually a mess when dh comes home- he understands how hard it is to get anything done with two children around. If he critcised, I would be ver tempted to tell him to do it.

When I'm at home with the kids it's impossible to keep it tidy. DD " helps" by following me round and taking the folded clean washing out of the drawers, any toy I try to put away becomes incredibly interesting.

She is terrible for drawing on things ( although she seems to have got the idea now that paper is for drawing on not Walls), she seems to be able to find pens where I was sure there weren't any.

Mistakes are made by both of us leaving stair gates open etc.

Being a SAHM didn't suit me, I ended up quite depressed and tbh your husband sounds a bit depressed.

I think you are expecting far too much and you say you need to work together so stop nagging and start giving him some support.

FWIW I would have hot the roof if my DH came home and criticised the state if the house.

He is supporting you in your studied, but he needs support too, he's obviously finding it hard it's not that easy being at home all day with small children.

YABU being a SAHP is bloody hard work, especially when money is tight, which i can only assume, with no income to speak of it is. It WILL be harder for a man, as there will be less incentive (rightly or wrongly) to do the parenting type of socialising as it will be mostly women, which is fine, but men like to socialise with other men on the whole - massive generalisation but i think that men do find this difficult. Some manage fine.

Having suffered from depression myself, i agree with trixy, your DH does sound depressed. Does he have a career to return to once you have finished your training? Maybe he could look into some sort of part-time study so that he feels as he has got soemthing to work towards?

And why is it any harder for a man to be SAH than a woman?

because to most men, the role doesnt come naturally, they dont have the "mum support network" that mothers tend to have either..

It sounds to me from the Op, that this man didnt really choose to accept this role, and it has been thrust upon him, because the Op has decided SHE wants to develop her career.

I am sorry if it sounds old fashioned, but children so young do need their mother around, and as a mother your childrens needs should be the first and foremost issue, you made a choice to have children, so why before they are even out of nappies are you away most of the time, leaving their care to their Dad who, by the sounds of it, isnt all that keen on the situation either.

Dear Squeakytoy - Isn't there another forum that would suit you better? Like DinosaursNet or FemaleChavenistsRus?