shouldn't parents work together

[iamagleek]

This is my first time on here, I have spoken to my mum but she always sides with me because she doesn't like my OH so would really like some unbiased advice.
So yeah the situation is this, I am studying to be a teacher whilst my OH has in essence has become a house husband. I feel as if I am working really hard to make life better for us as a family and I don't feel as if he is really with me, he lets the children walk all over him, every time I come home the house is a mess so far the children have been allowed to draw in pencil over most walls/doors, they have been allowed to break/lose toys, and had access to coins that they have then posted through some oil-fired heaters.
I just feel as if he is not doing his part to bring up the children properly he cares for them but not much more,
Then I feel ungrateful as I know I am lucky that I have a man who is willing to even look after the children.
He fails to see danger at all for example my 2 year old has managed to open the front door, my OH just says 'oh he couldn't do that before' and I just don't think that is good enough. sorry to rant, any advice please

Blimey squeaky, i hope you've got your flameproof coat on!! I'm putting mine on - i agree with you

parakeet, I am as entitled to my opinion as anyone else

I dont mind admitting to being old fashioned. If that makes me a female chauvinist so be it.

hands out popcorn

is it bacon flavoured? :)

needs breakfast

My children have managed to do most of the things like that you have described in the OP.

My house is often a mess by the end of the day (and I certainly don't do nothing about it), the two year old went through a right spate of drawing on walls, they lose toys and break them sometimes, and yes my two year old surprised me a couple of times managing to open the front door and get out the house, to my complete mortification (there were circumstances).

I'm a single parent, so I have no one to tell me off about these things but myself, which I do. But I think you can be too hard on yourself (and perhaps your DP). Young children do these things, and when something bad happens, you adjust the way you care for them to take it into account, and sometimes maybe it takes a few adjustments to get it right, but it doesn't mean you are bad and don't care for getting it wrong in the first place. I know some people just naturally have it, the common sense and the drive to be really great at parenting, some people are great parents (as in they love them to pieces) without that though (as in they lack natural ability... ahem... me).

Maybe you have to moderate your approach, I was never a natural parent, and someone getting frustrated with my ability would only serve to make me shut down and feel defensive because I was trying my best. Instead I was introduced to several ideas which helped to increase my confidence and helped me get sorted. I am still a trial and error mum, but I like to think I've improved a lot.

Introducing routine really helped to get things on a more even keel for me. If you feel your family is lacking a routine, work together in a non-confrontational way to develop what you have into something that works a bit better for both of you.

I can understand you really wanting him to see it from your perspective and to do it as you would think is correctly, but I think you need to communicate and, yes, work together towards a mutual goal, not just the goal that is in your mind as to how it should be done.

I don't think gender has a lot to do with it btw. I'm not saying any of what I am because the person in question is male, to me this situation, regardless of gender, would get the same advice. Just saying.

I am pretty sure my exP came in after a long day and had a lot of similar feelings about me, our mistake was that it became an issue that caused resentment on both sides, which eventually became the foundation for our relationship failing.

When my older children were little we worked shifts around them. I had previously been a SAHM and hadn't realised that my DH had a totally different attitude to child-raising. It just hadn't come up before.

I'd always got them to help me with housework. He decreed it was "quicker to do it" [himself] and stuck them in front of the TV. I hated the loss of control but he did things his way. Basically my option was to let him get on with it or go back to being a SAHM with him away for days at a time. I put up. They survived.

Incidentally I noticed this morning that my 3 yo has drawn on the bedroom wall with purple crayon. She's at nursery all day so must have done it after she went to bed. It happens. (She told me it wasn't her. It was the Pink Monster )

I have been reading through your replies and it has really made me see what a b i have been, yes I do suspect that he is down in the dumps if not depressed.
To be fair the housework isn't my biggest issue, it is mainly the children, and tbh he does play with them, take them to the park etc. I am very controlling when it comes to my children.
In terms of drawing on the walls etc I was feeling like it was only me that experienced these types of problems.
Thank you for making me see that I am being unreasonable to expect him to be me, he is more lax with discipline and when I am at home the children seem to walk all over him which I hate to see, I really need to speak to him properly about things and find a way for him to see that he is doing a fab job, albeit with a few niggles but I have had my fair share of those.
Just to trixymalixy I really find your comments quite upsetting like everyone I am doing what I feel is best for my family, I happen to think the role of the father is just as crucial as the mothers especially as I have two boys.
I made a decision to do my studies as without it our life choices would be severely limited, I also did not want to be there in body while my mind is on my assignments, I really did not want a Not now, Bernard type situation.
I know how difficult it is to be at home with the boys, I try to explain to my oh that by having a routine and boundaries may actually make his day easier and more manageable, I am not just getting at him for the sake of it, I want him to feel his is in control of the housework and the children and not that they are controlling him

sorry I read wrong, not trixymalixy but squeakytoy made the upsetting comments. Sorry trixymalixy.

Do you know thinking about it I don't know that many people with children so I honestly though it was just my children that drew on walls etc. Tbh my oldest who is four was like a dream baby and child he never was curious about being anywhere but with me, he never opened doors etc he just wasn't that investigative, my youngest on the other hand is, he loves exploring and being in my mind a normal child of his age.
And yes I want us to work and parent together yet in truth I really want him to parent my way which is wrong as we are not then working together, I am pretty sure we both wish the best for our children, so i think now we need to work together to do it together. Not just in my way or his ways, thank you so much for making me see that.

I like that the pink monster, my oldest just blames it on the little one like all the time problem is the oldest is too clever for his own good and will appear as if he hasn't just poured paint all over the carpet. lol

Glad to see you back OP. Hope you can work it out together.

You have chosen to do your training and are working hard. That's admirable. Your partner clearly has little idea of what to do with his own children. Drawing on the walls and doors? Is that acceptable? Not in my home. Get a table and some paper....sit with them, draw together.....what's HE doing all day?

He's not looking after your children....one of you presumably has to work? Might be better if he worked also and you paid for some nursery? Your kids would be in a more stimulating environment (sounds like) and hopefully, safely taken care of.

What's all this "you had your children, now you've abandoned them whilst still in nappies to go to work" stuff, Mumsnetters? Shame on you! We all chose our own path. I stayed at home with my son and then worked nights when he didn't miss me, all tucked up in bed and fast asleep. I was lucky. I CHOSE to do that cause we needed the money not because I was trying to get away from my child/responsibilities!!

Do you know what thank you I am working bloody hard and sometimes feel like I am fulfill a million roles, I personally think in many ways that he is lucky to be at home enjoying being with the children, I don't have that luxury he hated his job as a truck driver he has no qualifications, I have a degree in education and have now decided to do a one year course to then be a teacher, this allowed him to leave a job he hated and be with his children that then means that I have to sort my career out for all of us. Exactly if I was trying to get away from my responsibilities as a parent I would hardly be fretting and discussing it.
I hope to be more supportive but I can't help it if these things are still an issue for me you know.

sorry not fulfill i meant fulfilling

There are good and bad stay at home parents. Some put as much into their time at home as a Nursery teacher would at work.

Others are simply 'there' at home and do little or nothing for their kids.

From your OP I'd say your partner doesn't see being a SAHD as a particular role and some structure is definitely needed.

Yes you are right he doesn't see it as a role I think he just sees himself as being there. I just want he to make it easier for himself.
Like he seems to constantly do housework, and he tends to start big jobs such as stripping the wallpaper when there are other smaller jobs that need doing, he just seems to make life hard work for himself.