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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

or is DP flirting with this girl?

48 replies

Geriatricbabymama · 24/02/2011 22:56

She posted a pic of her new car on facebook. My DP commented about it. She replied, addressing him as an affectionate nicknamey version of his name (eg DP-y). He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.

She's sort of a friend of his, but not a close one - more of a friend of a friend, to be honest. They never hang out, just the two of them. She is absolutely stunning, intimidatingly beautiful. Everyone seems to be after her.

Of course, he must find her attractive, there's no way on earth that he wouldn't. I get that. I do feel very panicky at the idea of him actually being interested in someone else though and that little FB exchange has unnerved me slightly. I really hope I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:
TheSvelteAdonis · 24/02/2011 23:06

sounds like she's playing with him - and he's the one who 'asked' to be played with. YANBU.

FabbyChic · 24/02/2011 23:07

what is this with random kisses? think they should be reserved for partners only, oh and maybe the kids.

AgentZigzag · 24/02/2011 23:09

I know exactly how you feel, but you can't police his thoughts Smile

I called an ex of mine XX-y on FB, DH read the comment and didn't think anything of it, he knows I 'care' for the bloke but knows I'm not attracted to him because I'm married and love him.

Saying that, I don't mind a bit of jealousy (not too much mind) it shows the other person knows you're an attractive person and wants you to be with them.

A friendly exchange on FB doens't equal even a hint of an affair.

Keep how you feel in check, and only get worried when you know something's going on.

Until then, presume it isn't.

kerrymumbles · 24/02/2011 23:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OnEdge · 24/02/2011 23:11

Trust your instincts ! YANBU.

JennyRobyn · 24/02/2011 23:12

Is your DP in the habit of taking girls for "A spin in his car?"

winnybella · 24/02/2011 23:13

'He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.'

That's a bit too proactive for me, tbh.

YANBU. (Doesn't mean he's madly in love with her or planning to shag her, though)

monoid · 24/02/2011 23:15

I think the fact that it was such a public conversation would make me think that it's just banter, really.
Does he have a habit of putting kisses on the end of messages to people? Some people put kisses on the end of messages to me and I don't even really know them! Maybe it was a mistake that he put a kiss on the end... I've done that before.
YANBU to be upset about it, but that doesn't necessarily mean there's anything to worry about.

CleverHans · 24/02/2011 23:38

Sounds like fairly harmless banter to me. Agree with AgentZ

kerrymumbles · 24/02/2011 23:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Curiousmama · 24/02/2011 23:51

Have you mentioned it to him? I wouldn't yet if it were me, I'd let them think you hadn't noticed, for now Wink
And no, I wouldn't like it but dp wouldn't do it. He hates FB and suchlike anyway.

privategodfrey · 24/02/2011 23:51

I would say yes, he fancies her and yes he's flirting with her. Judging by your description of her, it's hardly surprising.

He's being pretty open about his contact with her though so I doubt he's thinking he's in with a chance - if he did then he'd keep it secret!

mmsmum · 24/02/2011 23:57

YABU I think you have interpreted their chat to be flirting because of your feelings toward her and not your DP's. Your intimidated so would probably read too much into anything they had to say.

Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 24/02/2011 23:58

Thanks for the replies. He's a lovely, lovely bloke and I couldn't ask for a better partner or father to our DS. I do, mostly, trust him. That is, I trust that he loves me and wouldn't ever set out to hurt me.

With this girl, I feel that maybe he's slightly "rabbit in the headlights" ish where she's concerned. She's ridiculously beautiful and knows it. She also knows that practically every bloke who knows her fancies her (not saying that in a bitchy way, she can't help the way she looks or the way men react to her). I think she does play on it a little and probably enjoys the attention.

My DP is a gorgeous looking bloke, very likeable, kind, easy going and popular. I wouldn't blame her in the slightest if she was attracted to him too. She may well fancy him back and, while not intending to do anything about it because he's an attached man with a DC, quite enjoy knowing that he likes her and that she is far hotter than his frumpy DP.

I can handle all of that. But the thought of them meeting up to go for a drive in his car has put the wind up me a bit. I can deal with her being around on a night out when he and I are both there. I can also cope with her being around, with other people, if he's out without me. But the idea of him meeting up with her, one on one, freaks me out Envy.

OP posts:
monoid · 25/02/2011 00:03

Would he really take her out for a drive though?! I would think it was just banter. If he does take her out, I think you have a case for justifiable homocide Wink

tallpoppies · 25/02/2011 00:16

Hmmmm.....
Put a jokey msg after his "take her for a spin" comment that he'd better get the squashed chocolate and crisps off the seats first!
Seriously, I'd be very pissed off if he took her out for "a spin" - she isn't exactly his friend after all!!

LibraPoppyGirl · 25/02/2011 00:25

YANBU it's unacceptable behaviour.

Being friends with anyone of the opposite sex is fine and normal.

Being an attached man/woman and flirting with someone else, is not fine and normal.

If my DP did this, I would confront him with it and tell him that if he thinks flirting okay or harmless fun then he is very much mistaken. It's hurtful and disrespectful.

I'd then ask him how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot? If he says he wouldn't mind (as a way of defending his own actions probably), I would tell him straight, that I did find it hurtful and disrespectful and that I would appreciate it if he didn't do it again.

If he still protested that there was no harm blah blah blah then I would be seriously unhappy and start to question his real motives Angry.

MegaTrump · 25/02/2011 00:34

I agree with monoid

anonymosity · 25/02/2011 04:34

YANBU and its silly and embarrassing that a man with a family is behaving like a star-struck teen. I think a gentle kick in the pants (metaphorical of course) wouldn't go amiss. Sometimes they just need telling.

GotArt · 25/02/2011 04:48

You could just be kind but frank. "That sort of banter makes me uncomfortable babe. Please have a bit more tact as a husband and father." I've said it to DH before. It worked.

iscream · 25/02/2011 06:02

I like what GotArt suggests.

EmmaBGoode · 25/02/2011 06:15

He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.

I think I would go a bit bloody mental at that.

NetworkGuy · 25/02/2011 06:22

"what is this with random kisses? think they should be reserved for partners only, oh and maybe the kids."

If I help someone (or just send a PM which is supportive when someone is getting a hard time on a thread) then I sometimes get random kisses from complete strangers (!)

I've no objections, but hesitate to reciprocate lest I be considered cheeky, or (far more important) it causes trouble for someone (after all, straight after sending me a PM, they can delete the one they sent, but might be "in company" when they click on a response from me, or someone else [eg DC] clicks it even if they had no plans to do so at that instant.).

Original poster
Geriatricbabymama · 25/02/2011 08:54

Thanks to everyone who replied, I really appreciate you taking the time to respond :)

I've told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and he got quite defensive. He offered to delete his message to her & replace it with one that said I thought he was coming on to her. He also said I'm being ridiculous, he has no interest in her, etc.

Maybe he really isn't interested in her, maybe he is. His thoughts are definitely none of my business. If you fancy someone, it tends to be involuntary and it's harmless enough so long as you don't act on it. It's just the thought that if they did meet up one on one like that, something might actually happen that has made me uncomfortable Hmm.

Well I've made myself look like a bunny boiler and pissed him off, which is a little embarassing, but hopefully it means that nothing is likely to happen there now that he knows I'm "watching", as it were. I couldn't not say anything about it.

OP posts:
Animation · 25/02/2011 09:00

Men generally know the rules with internet chat - and they DON'T sign off with a X.

He WAS flirting.

You did right to nip it in the bud. If he feels pissed off - tough!