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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

or is DP flirting with this girl?

48 replies

Geriatricbabymama · 24/02/2011 22:56

She posted a pic of her new car on facebook. My DP commented about it. She replied, addressing him as an affectionate nicknamey version of his name (eg DP-y). He replied again, offering to "take her for a spin" in his car, with a kiss on the end of his message.

She's sort of a friend of his, but not a close one - more of a friend of a friend, to be honest. They never hang out, just the two of them. She is absolutely stunning, intimidatingly beautiful. Everyone seems to be after her.

Of course, he must find her attractive, there's no way on earth that he wouldn't. I get that. I do feel very panicky at the idea of him actually being interested in someone else though and that little FB exchange has unnerved me slightly. I really hope I'm being unreasonable!

OP posts:

SunshineisSorry · 25/02/2011 09:09

Geriatric, your last post rings so many alarm bells in my head, in fact everything you have written does.

Your DP is with YOU, he chose YOU to have children with - your self esteem sounds very low, going on about how lovely this woman is - she sounds shallow as hell to me.

His defensive reaction?? Fucking twat - he was flirting with her and you have found out - again, fucking twat - he made YOU feel like a bunny boiler and pissed HIM off??

Re read your last post and ask what advice you would give to whoever posted it :(

Bucharest · 25/02/2011 09:14

Methinks he doth protest too much.

I have a FB mate I call Davey and send kisses to. When we work together (during the summer) he and dp go on the lash together. The -y and the kisses aren't the problem.

But there is one, unfortunately.

Don't belittle yourself by saying you're a bunny boiler. You're not. You've found something out that looks a bit dodgy and asked for his reassurance it's not. His OTT reaction, to me, says your instincts were right.

Don't fall into the trap either of blaming it all on her, as he seems to be trying to do. She may well be flirting, but he's hardly telling her to bog off is he?

Animation · 25/02/2011 09:18

"he's hardly telling her to bog off is he?"

Best line of the day!!

ENormaSnob · 25/02/2011 09:19

Yanbu

I think your instincts are right.

nikki1978 · 25/02/2011 09:28

"I've told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and he got quite defensive. He offered to delete his message to her & replace it with one that said I thought he was coming on to her. He also said I'm being ridiculous, he has no interest in her, etc. "

This seems to me to be an extreme and childish reaction. I had the same thing with my DH a year ago where he was having coffee alone with a woman after a networking meeting and hadn't mentioned it to me. She is very pretty (although much older) and very flirtatious. Turns out after getting to know her better she is lovely just a bit of an attention whore with men.

When I told DH I was uncomfortable he got annoyed - but at the fact I didn't trust him. But mainly his reaction was to laugh and say how wrong I was and not to worry. He also stopped doing the coffee thing with her. I am actually good friends with her now - more so than DH is!

But if he had reacted like your DH did I would be a bit peed off to be honest and even more suspicious.

SarahBumBarer · 25/02/2011 09:29

You do not look like a bunny boiler! Something made you feel uncomfortable. You ought to be able to be honest about that with your partner. He is protesting too much - he probably thought that his response to her looked cool and casual and now he knows it looked obvious and flirty and he is embarassed. Point out to him that this is not actually about whether he was or was not flirting but about whether or not he cares about the fact that something made you feel uncomfortable.

noodle69 · 25/02/2011 09:35

I write kisses to everyone and on texts, emails, every fb post etc. I even once did it to my man boss (that was an accident cause I was in the habit of it but he never mentioned it lol). If he does kisses on every fb message, wall post then it probably doesnt mean anything.

I think this is a young thing though as most people I know do it to.

NorthernComfort · 25/02/2011 10:03

"He offered to delete his message to her & replace it with one that said I thought he was coming on to her."

Seriously? THat is really messed up.

ILoveSaturdays · 25/02/2011 10:54

I find these answers really interesting. I'm a bloke, in a serious long term relationship. There are severel women I know who I may have that sort of communication with.
My DP and I share almost all of our friends so when on Facebook I know she can easily see any comments I make. Maybe that lack of secrecy ensures that there is no misunderstanding.
I really wouldn't ever want to disrespect her by making these sort of remarks though.
Whether or not you are being UR or not really depends upon the relationship you have with DP I guess.

Original poster

Geriatricbabymama · 25/02/2011 17:33

Thanks, everyone, for the advice and sympathy - it's a relief to know that other people would feel the same way if it was their DP. Makes me feel slightly less nuts

Earlier on today, I texted him to say I'd thought about it and that I'd realised it may be unrealistic to expect him not to flirt with/sleep with anyone else ever again, especially as he's still quite young (30, 5 years younger than me - Hot Girl is about 23 ). Also told him that if I had other offers myself then I might be less bothered ;-). And that I never used to believe in monogamy anyway. I know that sounds mental but I was trying to adjust my expectations, if you see what I mean. Anyway, he replied and told me to stop being such a knob and that he didn't want to even think about the idea of an open relationship.

I also told a mutual friend about the fb thing and she fell about laughing, told me I was being a twat to read anything into his conversation with Hot Girl and that I'm basically BVVU to worry. She's also had a baby recently, so fully understands that I'm not feeling super confident about how I look just now & totally gets the whole feeling threatened by younger, prettier women thing. She still thinks I'm being an idiot, which is very reassuring in these circumstances!

DP and I have spoken since then (he's not home from work yet) and I've apologised to him for being silly. He's said he totally understands now that it looked a bit dodgy and that he's sorry for getting shitty with me when I hassled asked him about it.

So we're ok, thankfully. Cheers for listening & sorry for the mega-long post!

OP posts:

Animation · 25/02/2011 17:41

Oh for goodness sakes Geri!

Stop blaming yourself.

You're not silly - he is.

SunshineisSorry · 25/02/2011 17:43

"
Earlier on today, I texted him to say I'd thought about it and that I'd realised it may be unrealistic to expect him not to flirt with/sleep with anyone else ever again, especially as he's still quite young (30, 5 years younger than me - Hot Girl is about 23 envy). Also told him that if I had other offers myself then I might be less bothered ;-). And that I never used to believe in monogamy anyway. I know that sounds mental but I was trying to adjust my expectations, if you see what I mean."

This makes me feel so sad :( You don't expect him not to flirt with or sleep with anyone else ever again? Really??

TBH, i think the problem is yours but if you self esteem is that low then you need to look at ways of improving it.

TobyLerone · 25/02/2011 17:45

The kiss on the end of the message isn't a big deal, IMO. I do it sometimes and not others. To loads of people. It's nothing.

This is annoying, though:

"I've told him that it made me feel uncomfortable and he got quite defensive. He offered to delete his message to her & replace it with one that said I thought he was coming on to her."

That makes him sound like a right cock.

Stangirl · 25/02/2011 17:50

YANBU. I'd be fucking furious if DP did that - he has a bit of form on this though. He knows I'd be wearing his bollox as earrings.

Just read your last post - you are so not a bunny boiler and sod pissing him off. He should have more respect than to write such a thing and should feel sorry for upsetting you. I write from bitter personal experience. I became concerned about my DP's closeness to a friend of mine (who was going through a divorce and seemed to be on a one woman mission to shag the whole of London, the more off-limits the bloke the better) and spoke to him about it. Twice. he told me I was imagining it. I then found them snogging on my sofa. I will never forgive him - not so much for the drunken snog but for dismissing my, very real, concerns.

ErnestTheBavarian · 25/02/2011 18:03

"I texted him to say I'd thought about it and that I'd realised it may be unrealistic to expect him not to flirt with/sleep with anyone else ever again, especially as he's still quite young"

Seriously?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 25/02/2011 18:13

^Earlier on today, I texted him to say I'd thought about it and that I'd realised it may be unrealistic to expect him not to flirt with/sleep with anyone else ever again, especially as he's still quite young (30, 5 years younger than me - Hot Girl is about 23 envy). Also told him that if I had other offers myself then I might be less bothered ;-). And that I never used to believe in monogamy anyway. I know that sounds mental but I was trying to adjust my expectations, if you see what I mean."

OP... Couldn't you have shared those thoughts with a girlfriend? There are some things a DP just shouldn't hear. Your self-esteem sounds very low and I hope that your DP doesn't use that information in future. :(

sloggies · 25/02/2011 18:21

Don't let his response leave you feeling bad. You were being perfectly reasonable. Glad you made your point.

anonymosity · 26/02/2011 02:15

Not to want to lay more negativity onto all this, but it really sounds like the beginning of the end. It reminds me of some of those relationships threads where the young dad realizes he's not "ready" to step up and be one and just wants to go out and carouse a little longer. 5 years is not a huge gap OP and you're probably not a fuddy duddy, just feeling tired from having little ones. I wouldn't compromise what you want, for anything. Chin up.

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2011 16:23

Your friend knows you both and we don't, if she thinks the idea of him seriously flirting is laughable, it's good you're listening to her.

She sounds like the best type of friend, ie reassuring in a crisis

Original poster

Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 17:49

Hi, sorry for not responding to peoples' replies sooner - haven't had either time or privacy to do so until now! Again, thanks very much to everyone who's taken the time to respond, i really do appreciate it.

AgentZigZag - that's what I think too. She's known him a hell of a lot longer than I have, so that makes me value her opinion regarding this situation even more

SunshineisSorry, ErnestTheBavarian and LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I know it sounds very messed up of me to say something like that but the reason is, basically, that I worked as an escort for most of my adult life (between age 20 - 31) and during that time, I had quite a distorted view of men and fidelity. I just took it as read that most men, however nice they were and regardless of whether they were happy in their relationships, would cheat on their partners.

My way of coping with that "knowledge" or, rather, fucked up belief system was to tell myself that physical fidelity wasn't the be all and end all in a relationship. I haven't had anything to do with the sex industry since I finished working as an escort and have had lots of counselling since then and, I think, reintegrated into normal life pretty well. I don't think I have any more trust issues than the average person in the street these days. (DP knows about my past, by the way).

However, IF something makes me feel insecure in my relationship, those old feelings do tend to resurface and I automatically assume the worst. And my way of coping then, is to try to get back into that mindset of not expecting too much in terms of fidelity . Thing is, it doesn't really work. I can't tell myself that it (DP being faithful) doesn't matter because of course it does, I'm not dead on the inside anymore.

So it was just an emotional self-preservation type reaction, he knows where it came from and that I don't really mean it

OP posts:

SunshineisSorry · 26/02/2011 18:05

I'm glad you have managed to sort things out and i admire your honesty geriatric. I think he WAS flirting, but that doesn't mean he would follow it up - i flirt all the time actually so thinking on it, i may have been harsh. I hope that you have moved on from what made you unhappy - i don't think being an escort is anything to be ashamed of, but i guess, in my ignorance, it must distort your views of men :(

There are decent men out there, your DP is probably one of them :) You have every right to expect fidelity, the same as everyone else, you are a beautiful woman in your own right and im sure as pretty as this ow is, she has nothing on you, you come across as a very articulate, caring and intelligent person. Be proud x

AgentZigzag · 26/02/2011 18:33

I'm the same with not really trusting DH, to protect myself really.

I see it as stupid to wholeheartdly trust anyone if you've been hurt in the past and know how much pain can be caused if you leave yourself open to it.

DH found it difficult to get his head round at first, but he understands why I think it (like your DP) he's not done anything to ever make me wonder about him, but I still feel a bit uncomfortable totally relaxing, even after more than 10 years

I think you saying you're not dead on the inside anymore is such a lovely thing to recognise in yourself, bloody good for you

Original poster

Geriatricbabymama · 26/02/2011 18:53

Thanks for the lovely replies, both of you

OP posts:

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