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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

In not wanting to make an appointment to visit brother and SIL?

48 replies

lesley33 · 24/02/2011 15:23

I live quite a way from my brother, SIL and neices and nephews so I don't get to see them often. They insist that family members arrange a time to visit them. So whenever I go up to visit other family members I always phone them to arrange to visit.

They NEVER answer the phone. Instead I leave a message or sometimes two and in the end they get back to me with a suitable date and time.

The real issue is that they only ever tell me I can visit at the most once for about an hour. So every time I make the long journey to visit all my family I only see my SIL, Brother and neices and nephews for about 30 mins to 1 hour.

They live only 1 street away from my parents who I will be staying with for 3 or 4 days. I would like to just pop round and see them. If its not convenient fine I will go - its not as if I have far to go. But I end up walking by their house on lots of occasions knowing that I won't see them until say 2 days time.

AIBU in thinking I shouldn't have to make an appointment, but should be able to pop in?

OP posts:
LessNarkyPuffin · 24/02/2011 15:26

It sounds odd but no-one has the 'right' to visit anyone. Why not invite them out - or get your parents to invite them around?

Chil1234 · 24/02/2011 15:28

Doesn't sound unreasonable. Can't think why anyone would put a time-constraint on a family visit or make life awkward in the way you describe. Unless they don't like you, of course. Are you one of those people with horrendously behaved children? A bad smoking habit? Large uncontrollable dog?..... :)

NinkyNonker · 24/02/2011 15:28

Don't know, personally I like notice of people coming so am not a fan of pop ins. Maybe they're quite busy? That's what suggesting a suitable time says to me. I think it is a little rude to think that it is ok for you to go round to their house whenever you want, but get het up when they suggest a time.

Yabu in my book.

Original poster
lesley33 · 24/02/2011 15:29

They only very rarely visit my parents, even when invited. That also tends to be for no more than 30 or 45 minutes. I have suggested going out, but I always get told it is not convenient.

My brother and I actually used to be very close, but not now.

OP posts:
Chil1234 · 24/02/2011 15:31

Maybe you could get your brother on one side and ask if there's a specific problem? You do sound as though you're getting a deliberate brush-off...

PrettyCandles · 24/02/2011 15:32

Somewhere else on MN there is, no doubt, a thread where the OP is frustrated that her SIL and BIL can't accept the issues that constrain visiting, or maybe she's bemoaning the fact that her dh won't tell his dsis something that will explain why visits have to be constrained.

Yes, with no explanaition it is a weird thing to do. Will they perhaps meet up with you at your parents' house? Or go out with you somewhere?

PrettyCandles · 24/02/2011 15:35

Cross-posted.

Maybe SIL has, oh, I don't know, a colostomy bag or something, and is very uneasy being away from home or among people who are not in the know for any length of time. Perhaps they have a child with SN, and they only feel confident of his or her behaviour under very restricted conditions. It really does sound like there is a reason which is valid for them, but that they chose not to reveal.

Or maybe they're just...strange.

starfishmummy · 24/02/2011 15:40

It does sound a bit odd. Can you ask them round to your parents instead?

My mum used to be funny about visiting - she would only go if she was asked (think it was to do with turning up when the other person was busy and being made to feel uncomfortable). Most people she knew said to just pop in so she never went anywhere. BUT she would moan that people wouldn't come and see her - but she never asked them and couldn't see that if she wanted an invite then maybe they did too!!

Original poster
lesley33 · 24/02/2011 15:40

I think they are just strange.

Their children have no SN issues and are on the contrary very well behaved. They do the same to my parents as to me. If they are invited to my parents house they never stay more than 30 minutes.

SIL will happily go out for the whole day with her mother and kids to places where there are crowds.

I don't have a big dog and my children are grown up - So I don't have obvious that would put them off me.

Yes maybe they just don't like me and my parents. But they did come and stay with me for a week last summer as their summer holiday! It was lovely to see the kids and I have invited them before - which they didn't take up and I will invite them again.

OP posts:
Original poster
lesley33 · 24/02/2011 15:42

I guess I just find it sad that I don't see more of them and I know my parents are sad as they would also like to see more of them.

OP posts:
NinkyNonker · 24/02/2011 15:42

I don't think it is odd not to like just popping in or being popped on (Confused). I feel uncomfortable in both scenarios and am quite normal!

warthog · 24/02/2011 15:42

why don't they come and see you at your parents? maybe that would be easier all round.

Chil1234 · 24/02/2011 15:46

I think this sounds more like a control issue now. My family are OK to spend lavish amounts of time with but your family are best in small doses.... And if your brother doesn't want to rock the boat then he'll see less and less of his side of the family. My own brother used to be married to someone that thought she was rather superior. Spent all their spare time with her family and we lost touch with him for ages.

Good that they spent a whole weekend with you, however, something to build on...

FellatioNelson · 24/02/2011 15:50

I absolutely detest unannounced visits. If you know in advance you are going to see other family members why can you not phone ahead at the same time and ask to visit your brother as well, rather than leaving it until an hour or two before?

Original poster
lesley33 · 24/02/2011 15:51

I wouldn't mind if any of us were difficult, but I don't think we are. In fact my SIL is the one who falls out with people easily. Has fallen out with lots of her friends over trivial issues.

My parents bend over backwards to be nice to them as they are always worried that SIL might take offence at nothing and stop them seeing their GC.

OP posts:
diddl · 24/02/2011 15:53

Why don´t you tell them when you will be at your parents & ask when you can visit?

But maybe your brother isn´t very family orientated now that he is an adult with his own family?

I was always happy to see my parents once a week, but my husband was happy to see much less of his-and no, it wasn´t any pressure from me!

He finds them really hard work & would have been happy with a quick phone call & a couple of visits a year!

babyapplejack · 24/02/2011 15:53

Yes and no.

I live near my mum so I am used to having her visitors just drop in on me and sometimes it can be pretty inconvenient - I have been in the bath etc!

But it seems a bit wierd of them only ever to allow you to stay for a short while.

Could you suggest that they come over to your parents' house so that you can meet there and they don't feel the need to turf you out? Do you think there is some invisible rule in their house that you are not obeying?

Sarsaparilllla · 24/02/2011 16:24

I hate people just 'popping' in and I'd always prefer someone to call beforehand, I don't think that's strange at all - why can't you arrange it the day before or something?

I'd never just turn up annannounced at someone's house, except maybe my parents, but I still have a key so that's different

NotSoPukeyMummy · 24/02/2011 16:38

I also dislike people "popping in" unannounced. We just didn't do that in my family.

Some people (like me and my family) like their own space and like to be prepared in advance of someone coming over - time to clean and tidy, for example. My MIL never fails to notice when our house is anything less than spotless, so the one time she turned up unannounced I was horrified. She never did it again!

I also think that some people are more extrovert/sociable/natural hosts than others.

Maybe your SIL just comes from a family where they didn't have people round to their houses very often? Maybe she is worried about her housekeeping skills being judged?

Could you suggest going out somewhere, meeting on neutral territory? I always far prefer this to having to host people in my home (unless I have a lot of notice and preparation time!).

diddl · 24/02/2011 17:08

When I lived close to family, we all worked so popping in didnt really work.

When I was a SAHM I was too far away.

I also need a few days a couple of hrs to tidy up.

HecateQueenOfWitches · 24/02/2011 17:13

sounds like they just don't want you to pop in, or to stay for long when you do go.

I think I would just not bother at all, since it's clear you're allowed in on sufferance.

Bogeyface · 24/02/2011 17:21

Sounds like the issue is the SIL rather than the brother, if she will spend time with her own family quite happily. She is probably doing this as that bare minimum but in her ideal world you would all fuck off and never contact them again!

NotSoPukeyMummy · 24/02/2011 17:27

Not defending the SIL, but just to try to understand her point of view, I would be fine with my own family "dropping in" but not my in-laws.

Not that my own family would ever do that! But my Mum's made it clear she doesn't give a stuff what state the house is in, she just wants to see us and spend time with us.

Whereas MIL makes comments/turns up her nose at any bit of dirt/dust/mess.

So, I don't want MIL (or SIL as she reports back to MIL) dropping in uninvited!

Nothing malicious in it, just the way it is!

diddl · 24/02/2011 17:36

But even if SIL doesn´t like OP-her own brother could go to his parents to see her.

ledkr · 24/02/2011 17:42

not so pukey=i have the same problem with my pil,they dont know when to leave even after staying for a long weekend and i have stuff to do on a sunday night like most people,however it doesnt sound as if the op is like that,are you op?

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