In not wanting to make an appointment to visit brother and SIL?

[lesley33]

I live quite a way from my brother, SIL and neices and nephews so I don't get to see them often. They insist that family members arrange a time to visit them. So whenever I go up to visit other family members I always phone them to arrange to visit.

They NEVER answer the phone. Instead I leave a message or sometimes two and in the end they get back to me with a suitable date and time.

The real issue is that they only ever tell me I can visit at the most once for about an hour. So every time I make the long journey to visit all my family I only see my SIL, Brother and neices and nephews for about 30 mins to 1 hour.

They live only 1 street away from my parents who I will be staying with for 3 or 4 days. I would like to just pop round and see them. If its not convenient fine I will go - its not as if I have far to go. But I end up walking by their house on lots of occasions knowing that I won't see them until say 2 days time.

AIBU in thinking I shouldn't have to make an appointment, but should be able to pop in?

I wouldn't particularly want people just dropping in. Mainly as we are pretty busy so may be out, have other people round or doing something else. But a quick text or phonecall can sort that one out and gives us 5 minutes to at least make the house straight a bit if necessary.

Our family and some friends tend to live further afield so we and they always arrange dates and times of when to visit, esp as they often involve an overnight stay or at least a few hours. But we def don't restrict vsiting hours! As I said often our friends and family come for several hours or a night or two.

ledkr I've seen some of your other threads/posts about PILs and you have it particularly bad! Hope you and your baby are doing better now x

(I agree that the OP doesn't sound that bad though.)

TBH I think it should be okay to pop in on close family and friends provided:

1. If they come to the door and they are obviously busy and harassed you just say that you were popping by but can see they are busy and will leave them to get on with it.

1. If they are in and don't come to the door you don't keep knocking until they do answer.

1. If they do invite you in and it is obvious they are busy you stay no longer than 5 minutes absolute maximum.

1. That the whole visit should be short. Popping in should just be that a quick pop in to say hi and make longer arrangements e.g. just wondered how you are? Are you around tomorrow evening so we can have a proper chat.

1. You are staying or living very close to whoever you are popping in on e.g. same street, next street or you are literally walking past their door. The person being popped in on should know that you haven't gone out of your way to visit them so its fine for them to say they are too busy to invite you in.

Thinking about it I guess popping in MIGHT be more common in middle aged and older people. When I was younger we didn't have a phone and neither did most of my friends and family. So either you had to arrange something well in advance or you had to pop round.

Although I think the issues with the SIL and brother are wider than this. And if issue is as simple as my SIL not liking me and my parents, why on earth do they organise things so that I hardly see my brother or my 4 nieces and nephews?

I wouldn't mind if my SIL said I could come over at a particular time but as she had a prior arrangement she would only be there for half an hour.

And I really don't care if there house is messy or needs cleaned. They have 4 kids - I wouldn't expect the house to be tidy!

Yes, but they night care.

might, sorry.

But that isn't the sole issue. Regardless of the dropper in's view, the host might not want people found if they're in chaos, or be put in the position of having to say no. I don't see why people shouldn't have the right to not want people coming round uninvited.

Personally I like notice, and I like my house to be ready for guests, regardless of their views on mess.

"why on earth do they organise things so that I hardly see my brother or my 4 nieces and nephews?"

Well either your brother doesn´t see you because SIL doesn´t want to, or he´s not that bothered about you either.

"And I really don't care if there house is messy or needs cleaned."

But they might do.

Its not odd that they dont like people popping in. Lots of people dont like that.
It IS odd that they give you a specific time slot to visit and specify that its to be no longer than an hour though.
How about this time when you call and leave a message saying you are visiting your parents and would like to see them, say something along the lines of 'it would be lovely to see you and spend a little longer with the DCs this time, I really enjoyed spending time with them when you all came to stay with me in the holidays. How about a meal together perhaps at my parents or out somewhere?'
That way you are still giving them the chance to tell you when is a convenient time but you are making it clear that you'd like to spend at least a couple of hours with them this time.

god- do they both work full time?

we both work full time and when older ones were little, by the time you added in kids activities, you would have had to have booked time in with me. plus the house was rarely in a state fit to be seen.

YANBU to wish that in a perfect world you would be closer to them and they would have more time to do spontaneous stuff. YABU if you cannot see it from their point of view.

And if you think that SIL is the problem, see if you can do something with just your brother, ns & ns.

They don't tell me that I can only stay an hour. They just start making it obvious that I should go. I have suggested social things, outside their house; but I always get rebuffed.

No they don't work full time. SIL is SAHM and brother works part time. They have loads more time than me to do their own things.

I guess they just aren't bothered about seeing me. Although they are more than happy to take presents for the kids. Oh well!

"... used to be married to someone that thought she was rather superior. Spent all their spare time with her family and we lost touch with him for ages."

Happened to a relative of mine. DS1 was living away, DS2 hooked up with a girl, they had 2 DC, got married abroad (as she has plenty of relatives there, and it seemed like the invite for his parents were almost an afterthought).

His parents were excluded from most events apart from the wedding, again as if by design, and despite her working for an airline, no offer of any assistance or chance of discounts (perhaps they were impossible anyway, but would have been nice if she had explained she had tried and was blocked from any discounts).

After the wedding, DS2 and his wife and family moved closer to her UK relatives (same city but did not even invite his parents to visit for years, nor make any effort for his parents to see both grandchildren growing up).

Some time later, DS1 met with a fatal accident, and DS2 was forced into closer contact with his parents. Still little sign of regular contact, still not invited to even visit DS2's home and see family. Still very hurtful for his parents and no clear reason why there's a wall between them, but has all the similarities of DS2's wife feeling she is "posh".

Sorry, lesley33, no real help, there are just some "closed" doors in some situations and no explanation and no clue as to whether there's a legitimate 'complaint' or just a misunderstanding which has led to this type of near isolation.

I know it hurts my parents. Last GS birthday they went for a day out with SIL mother for whole day and popped in on my parents for literally 5 minutes on the way home.

Hang on, they spent a whole week of their holidays staying with you. It doesn't sound as if they are trying to avoid you. They just don't
Ike you turning up on the doorstep (fair enough) and long visits. They may well have other plans - even if your SIL is a SAHM,it doesn't mean she doesn't have other things to do.

And I'm a bit about people assigning the blame for this to the extent there is any, to the OPs SIL. The OP always says "they" do this and that, not "SIL" .

What does your DB say when you speak to him about it?

Perhaps they have joined a cult, and are not allowed to socialise with Outsiders.

Do you really think a 1 hour visit over 3 days is a long visit lisianthus? Really?

I think they stayed a week becuase they wanted a cheap holiday, not because they wanted to see me.

Truth is I have hardly spoken to my DB for years. They don't answer my calls and the short visits are naturally dominated by the children. And no I am never allowed to see them without the kids.

Oh thank you MadameDeathstare I have laughed so hard at your post "they can freaking pop out again" Cheers!

I detest all this popping in and out, too.

Popping in really annoys me too. It assumes that I'm not busy and that I want to see the person because that person has decided I should see them.

However, it does seem that they're not bothered to see you, Lesley or your parents. That must hurt your feelings.

Tbh, I would just back off entirely. No calls, no visits, no nothing for a while. Just leave them alone and see what happens. They may well notice and not like it and start making an effort.

How old are their dcs? Old enough to visit their gps alone or have a telephone call?

And you could call it making an appointment but most people call it making arrangements that are convenient and suitable to all parties. Well, the common denominator of the parties anyway.