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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For getting a lump in my throat whilst reading DS's private messages?

60 replies

Nagaseli · 24/02/2011 07:27

DS is 12 and I was just doing my usual check of his facebook account and came across a conversation between him and a girl he went to primary school with. He had a massive crush on this girl in year 6 and they went to cinema once in the summer holidays after they left but never saw each other again after that but always kept in contact over text and facebook etc. They have been really close but she'd never "go out" with him etc, just wanted to be his best friend.

Anyway I've just read the conversation from last night and she told him she knew he fancied her but she went for the popular lads instead incase she got picked on and then she said she misses him and if they could turn back time she'd want to be with him and she regretted the way she'd treated him etc. She finished by saying whoever he did end up with now was the luckiest person in the world.

My throat swelled up and tears sprung to my eyes and I know they're only 12 and it's all a bit silly but seeing another child write that about your usually unpopular and rather nerdy son (by his own admission! he takes that as a compliment) just means the world. Am I over-reacting then?? I just hope as he gets older people will be less concerned about "being seen with him" and more concerned about how much of a lovely person he is.

OP posts:

manicbmc · 24/02/2011 09:12

I don't have time to paint models. I have a radiator that needs the attention more!

I met my lovely geek on Warcraft, so maybe I am biased a bit.

FakePlasticTrees · 24/02/2011 09:12

while it is worth remembering that geeks do rule the world, I don't think what she wrote was sweet. I think it reads like your DS is in danger of being played by a girl who's his friend while holding out the hope of getting together at some point when she's over having to date popular boys... (and in the meantime he'll put up with anything - teenage boys can be very silly)

Flisspaps · 24/02/2011 09:14

squeaver Facebook says 13

Ephiny · 24/02/2011 09:22

He shouldn't be on Facebook at 12.

You shouldn't be reading his private messages.

IMO anyway.

AbsDuCroissant · 24/02/2011 09:26

Ignoring the having FB account, you reading his messages issues ...

As a geek, he'll no doubt be fine. As Fran Drescher said in the Nanny
"popular school jock, groin injry at 18 'can I check your oil ma'am' or school geek, MIT, Microsoft"
One poor guy I went to school with (he arrived when he was at a chubby, nerdy stage) has now turned out to be SUPER hot and SUPER wealthy (ah, the regrets) and also, people like me who were awkward/not really good at herd mentality in our teens etc. really hit our stride in our 20s

caughtinanet · 24/02/2011 09:28

Its a lovely message and maybe they will get together in the future but hopefully he will meet other nice girls as well.

Do those of you pointing out that FB is for over 13s have a 12 year old ?

Usually I'm all for abiding by the rules but the reality today is that by the time our children are in year 7 everyone is on FB. Nagaseli is taking a sensible approach by keeping an eye on things.

carryon · 24/02/2011 09:31

YANBU. He sounds like a lovely boy.

As for saying you shoudn't read his private messages. I don't agree with that.If you are going to let such a young child use facebook then how else are you meant to know who they are talking to?It's a case of weighing up their privacy with their potential vulnerability to adults pretending to be children.

slipperandpjsmum · 24/02/2011 09:33

Its very painful isn't it when they are in the world and you see them getting hurt. My ds is 14 and I wish I could save him from all the pain!!

I suspect some of the posters do not have children of this age. Its such a difficult age they still need protecting but need space to make their own mistakes and grow.

I do not set out to read my ds facebook account but if he is logged in I will have a quick look to see whats going on.

OP I do feel for you. I am sure he will be fine but I do feel your pain!!

TRIsTheArseEndOfAMouldyBanana · 24/02/2011 09:34

does he know?....that you check them?

Im' all of a kerfuffle as to whether this is right or not

sure;y you teach your kids about grooming, bullying, not doing things just to get people to like you etc etc and then when they are old enough to maybe cope with social networks, you have to give them some trust and then just keep on talking to them

so you know their life and they would come to you with stuff that makes them uncomfortable

I dunno, sorry, its sounds like you are doing great

I dont like facebook for people so young, its all too easy to get into trouble accidently
we all know text is hard to interprate the meaning ansd you can so easily connect with total strangers
it does eem like a very much settled adult thing

oh and he sounds like the really coold kid. I was friends with the 'nerds' when I was at school and today they are the nicest proper men you could find

dontdisstheteens · 24/02/2011 09:38

How lovely. I bet that you check his pm history with your heart in your mouth and on hyperalert for bullying (that's me too btw!). I can imagine how you felt seeing that. I think that malicious manipulation by the girl is very unlikely. You have had a glimpse of how online communication can actually enhance relationships. This is actually becoming a recognised phenomena especially when socially...errr...somewhat awkward (not saying your son fits this op although I have an suspicion ) boys develop meaningful relationships with girls who would not be seen talking to them in the public arena of school.

Sorry, a subject very close to my heart! I could bore for Britain on it! Just wanted to highlight that facebook is not always a bad thing for youngsters! I totally approve of checking when they are so young though!

On a slightly different note; those geeks in heavy metal tee shirts. I wonder if they would be so socially isolated if their teens had included the sophisticated interactive technology available to ours today?

I know you can't give your son a hug to tell him you know and how fab it is but next time you do that looking at him with this knowledge in your mind thing send a psychic hug from me too.

FooffyShmoofffer · 24/02/2011 09:41

Yanbu. It put your mind at rest in more than one way. My DS isn't mr popular. Too studious, speaks like a child older than his age. Now and then a little insight into their complicated little lives doesn't harm at all.

LeQueen · 24/02/2011 09:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

flamingtoaster · 24/02/2011 10:09

Your son will be absolutely fine - my son was always considered a geek but gathered around him a lovely group of geeks who are still friends now even though they are at University/working. I still love having them round (despite the huge quantities of food they get through!) - and as your son has already discovered their finer, gentler points are a real hit with girls!

LeQueen · 24/02/2011 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

superv1xen · 24/02/2011 10:16

Is it just me who thinks the girl sounds a wee bit fickle and shallow for not going out with him because she was too scared about what others would think....?

(but it nice that she said the last bit about whoever he ends up with will be very lucky)

and he sounds a lovely boy :)

TobyLerone · 24/02/2011 10:18

My boyfriend is an uber-geek and is also incredibly pretty and girls adore him. My son is also a giant geek (he's 11) and he's very popular at school. Geeks rule.

I do think YABU for reading his messages, though. My son doesn't yet have a fb, but he does use MSN and RuneScape (which has a chat function). He once got a little upset about something someone had said on RuneScape and sort of hid it from me with his hand when I walked past him. I got worried and gave him the lecture (for the 10th time) about internet security and that it was really important that he told me the truth/showed me so that I could help him with it. It turned out that someone had said 'crap' in the chat window and he was worried I'd see it and stop him from using it!
I'm pretty sure I won't feel the need to read his messages.

upahill · 24/02/2011 10:22

For those that are against having a look at facebook messages how on earth do you know that your children are safe or not being bullied or even not being a bully.

A letter was sent home from my friend's daughters school that I read.
Th headmistress was alerting parents to keep an eye on facebook because of an incident that got out of hand.
Apparently two girls had fallen out over something reletively minor and because of facebook things had developed rapidly withother 'friends' wading in. A fight between the girls was arranged. The writings on facebook was nasty and vicious and the parents had no clue what their charming children was writing. My friends daughter showed me the pages and it was horific.

Back to the OP. Your son sounds lovely!

cees · 24/02/2011 10:34

I can't believe the amount of people who think letting your kid have a facebook account without checking it is OK

If you let your child on facebook, then it is totally irresponsible to NOT check there messages, skimming is just lazy.

Nagaseli, your son sounds like a lovely lad, the girl sounds shallow.

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 10:34

I think that's rather lovely of her.

My DH was the unpopular one at school - not so much the geeky one, just the one who was really into Guns'n'Roses but never really hit it off with the girls.

LaurieFairyCake - that's not always true - sometimes they haven't had enough practice.

TobyLerone · 24/02/2011 10:35

And after you've read all of their facebook messages? What then? Checking their texts? Monitoring their phone calls? Hidden microphones in their pockets?

peeriebear · 24/02/2011 10:36

I'm another geek lover here. My DH was that boy nobody liked at school and it makes me weep to think of it :( now he's tall, fit, handsome, funny, family-oriented, considerate, well endowed, and when he sees somebody who used to bully him they pretend not to know who he is :o

manicbmc · 24/02/2011 10:38

I've never felt the need to check my dd's. But then she shows me stuff anyway and talks to me. I have been known to hijack her facebook if she is fool enough to leave herself logged on - as she has done with me.

She left herself logged onto my laptop the other day then went upstairs on the pc and logged in there. Her mate thought it was hilarious when I popped into their chat.

cees · 24/02/2011 10:39

We are talking about minors here TobyLerone not adults.

Protecting my kids is my priority, not trying to be a cool mother.

upahill · 24/02/2011 10:42

TobyLerone You weren't one of the parents whose kids go to a High School in Cheshire!! Like I said the parents there had no idea what nasty postings their kids were writing on facebook and the amount of distress it caused.

FooffyShmoofffer · 24/02/2011 10:43

My DS is 9. Alot of his friends have Facebook pages which I honestly think is disgraceful. If he should ever show an interest in setting one up then you can be damn sure I will be keeping an eye on it.

That said I am considering low-jacking him with a computer chip once he hits high school

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