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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Reality check - was I rude or is dh being a twat?

35 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 23/02/2011 23:56

Ok.... This week I haven't been able to do as much work as I should, dd went to nursery for mon and tues afternoon but I looked after her both mornings and all day today until about 5 when I had brought dh home (gave him a lift) and he watched her while I had a 30 min break...then he popped out to the pub at 6 and got back at 9:50...

Tomorrow is his day off and our agreement ha always been that he would watch dd before late shifts and for at least half of his days off so that I can work and we limit the amount of nursery needed... Yesterday dh mentioned that he needed some time on Thursday to finish his nvq (he has had loads of office time to do this at work and had taken some off time before to do it) I agreed as he needs to hand it in tomorrow even though i have a very big meeting on Friday with my supervisor and I probably have about 16 hours of work to do before then.... I told him that I would need to lock myself away to work tonight and tomorrow night once dd (15 months) and ds (11) went to bed and he said fine, I reminded him before he went out tonight and when he texted me at 9:30 to say he was on bus I reminded him that I would be working...

He came in and put his head around the door and said hello, I turned my head and said hi, and that I would be about 30 mins or so... He stomped off to lounge nd put on the tv so I closed the study door so as not to be distracted by the tv and so I didn't need to ask him to turn it down, he then said in person and repeated by text that I was bloody rude, I reminded him that I had said what I was doing but he said I should have come out for 5 mins etc.... I explained I was in the middle of something and wanted to finish that then I would be out but he thinks I am awful, treated him like he was sub human etc, and is now sleeping on the sofa tonight. I went up to bed and he came up to get a pillow and reiterated that I was rude and out of order and then said he would leave it that if I felt my behaviour was acceptable...... I said yes it was and he was over reacting but was I rude and unreasonable or is this another dh twatisode?

OP posts:
MrsShrekTheThird · 24/02/2011 00:14

another twatisode I fear. Is it a full moon or something Hmm cos they're all at it atm.
Mine usually perfectly decent, being a dick atm. (and not in a good way)

monoid · 24/02/2011 00:15

I think that, that is a pretty stupid thing to argue about, to be honest. I think that he is either feeling a bit shit and wanted a bit of attention - maybe a bit neglected, or there is something else on his mind and he has ended up making an argument out of nothing. I suppose it could be all of those things. I think you should apologise just to make him feel better and then try to find out if there's something else wrong.

troisgarcons · 24/02/2011 00:18

Yesterday dh mentioned that he needed some time on Thursday to finish his nvq (he has had loads of office time to do this at work

and his employer pays for this.

Jacksmania · 24/02/2011 00:20

Errr, sorry, but I really don't believe in "apologizing just to make someone feel better". That's not a sincere apology and pretty worthless, IMO.

OP, I don't think you were being rude. You'd told him repeatedly what you'd be doing and then you went and did it. What's wrong with that? I'm afraid I have to say he gets the twat award.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 24/02/2011 00:20

Yes his employer pays for the nvq and gives him what should be enough 'office' time to do the work.

I am paid to do 35 hours a week, typically I am barely able to fit in 20-25 hours around dd's 3 afternoon at nursery, dh's shifts and dh's me time several times a week and his lie ins....

OP posts:
Jacksmania · 24/02/2011 00:20

Oh and he texted you to say you were being rude?

Pot. Kettle.

curlymama · 24/02/2011 00:21

I've read your post 3 times to try and work out where the rudeness came into it, and still can't find it.

It must have been a very agressive 'hi, I'll be out in 30 minutes'!

EngelbertFustianMcSlinkydog · 24/02/2011 00:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

monoid · 24/02/2011 00:23

Jacksmania - I don't like apologising for the sake of making someone feel better, but find that sometimes it's the only way forward. I tend to say something to the effect of "I'm sorry that you felt like I did /whatever/ and I'm sorry that it upset you" I don't apologise for the thing that I did if I believe I did nothing wrong, if you see what I mean.

OTTMummA · 24/02/2011 00:24

HA, he got a lot better treatment than my DH when he bothers me when im busy!
Tell him he is lucky he didn't get a paperweight chucked at his direction the moment the door flinched.

Seriously, he is being a knob of the knobbiest degree.

Don't apologise for nothing, ask him calmly in the morning what his real beef was about tonight.

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 24/02/2011 00:27

He wouldnt speak to me earlier so I had to reply to his text saying that I had treated him as if he was sub human, hate replying by text but this is what I wrote...

"You are reading too much into this Hugh! Before you went out I said I had to do some work tonight after kids in bed, when you were on bus I said I needed to do some reading still, then when you came in I did say hello but I was right in the middle of the bit I was doing, then when you went into the lounge and put the tv on I closed the door rather than ask you to turn it down out of respect for you! I did not treat you as sub human, I was simply doing what I had said I would be doing! It's not fair of you to have a go at me for working! I am sorry you feel upset but I don't feel that it is down to my actions. Goodnight, perhaps you will see it clearly tomorrow x "

OP posts:
OTTMummA · 24/02/2011 00:31

I don't have a problem when DH reacts like this, nothing better than having a king size bed to myself all night.
And i would tell him that btw, in the morning.
Best night sleep ever.

curlymama · 24/02/2011 00:34

Did he text back, or say anything else?

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 24/02/2011 00:35

I must admit I do enjoy having the bed to myself... Now if only dd wouldn't still wake 1-3 times a night and my cough/asthma eases off tonight I will be happy! Lol....

OP posts:
Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 24/02/2011 00:36

Curly mama that text was sent before he came for his pillow and made the comment about me thinking my behaviour was acceptable,,,,

OP posts:
SeeJaneKick · 24/02/2011 00:42

My DH used to attention seek when I first began to work at home..I had to really tell him the score so that he understood..he still lapses now. He's lax about stuff which he needs to do to help me work...no adive really but YANBU!

Enjoy your private bed! Grin

curlymama · 24/02/2011 00:49

Oh, ok. I think he will be all sheepish in the morning and realise that he seriously over reacted. He's probably just doing the hurt bunny thing because he wants more attention from you. Bless.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 24/02/2011 00:49

I am barely able to fit in 20-25 hours around dd's 3 afternoon at nursery, dh's shifts and dh's me time several times a week and his lie ins....

Why are you fitting in your paid work around his pub visits? Is his ability to slope off and drink more important than your career, then?

Original poster
notremotelyintofootie · 24/02/2011 00:57

No it isn't and we arguements around that too....

OP posts:
GloriaSmut · 24/02/2011 00:57

I'm sure there's some sort of lunar activity that is causing a national outbreak of twatisodes. Dp is usually an amiable and helpful chap but this week, when I am exceptionally pressurised with work, he appears to have replaced himself with an unhelpful idiot.

In answer to the OP's question, no, you were NBU.

monoid · 24/02/2011 01:06

My ex-boyfriend used to be like this. We were together for 4 years before I started university and then he expected me to do all the childcare as well as doing all my uni work. So I ended up doing it all at night and then he'd complain that we never spent any time together. I said that if he took DD out for one day at the weekend then I could get the work done and we could spend some time together. But he said that because he was at work all week, why should he have to spend one of his days off looking after DD Hmm Where were my days off?
We split up in the end because he felt neglected but we always ended up arguing about it and getting nowhere. The only proper conversation we had about it was when I told him that I couldn't go on like this and I wanted to split up.
You need to have this conversation. Tell him that your work is as valid as his and that you need the time to do it and you need him to support you with that. Good luck!

blinks · 24/02/2011 01:06

i'm with you tortoise. he taketh the piss.

Jux · 24/02/2011 01:09

It's very clear who is being unreasonable here. No surprise when he's just spent the best part of 4hrs down the pub. Does his employer know that he is being cheated as your dh is not doing the work for which he is being paid. Does your dh realise/understand that you are contracted to do 35hrs per week and therefore he HAS to facilitate that? Ah well, YANBU, at any rate.

blinks · 24/02/2011 01:09

lay your shit on the line lady... he's being a big fucking baby.

is he the dad of your 11 year old?

burninghamwastemidlands · 24/02/2011 01:18

Maybe he's created this argument for an excuse to sleep on the sofa, hence getting away from 3 times waking DD, and on to a good night's sleep Hmm