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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to wonder why there are so many lazy arse husbands do FUCK ALL childcare and FUCK all around the house??

44 replies

superv1xen · 23/02/2011 18:22

i had to listen to my friend in tears earlier :(

she has got 2 DC under 5 and is also diabetic, suffering from depression and prone to panic attacks. on top of this she has had 2 stillbirths in 5 years and both her kids have sleep issues at night which mean she barely ever gets a good nights sleep. she is unable work for health reasons. she is beyone exhausted, i can see it in her face :(

her husband doesn't work either, for no reason that i can see. he is a DJ for a pirate radio station which is his major hobby and takes up most of his time. he does fuck all round the house, all the childcare, cleaning, cooking etc is left to my friend and he does whatever he pleases, goes swanning out whenever he he feels like it - leaving their DC with her. its like he is a part time dad although he lives with her. he also has 2 older DC from a previous relationship who stay with them at weekends and holidays, and he even leaves the care of them to my friend as well Hmm

she has tried to talk him about it but he just kind of shrugs it off. sometimes she has got that upset with him she has threatened to leave and he just says he will take the kids as no judge will give her custody due to her health problems.

i am so sad for her, i didn't know what to say today when she told me about how bad things were. personally i would rather leave than put up with this kind of shit. DH works full time yet still probably does half the housework and childcare. why are there so many men out there that think this kind of behaviour is acceptable?

OP posts:
PeterAndreForPM · 23/02/2011 18:27

Because there are so many women that think it is acceptable and don't tell them to shape the fuck up

there are a lot of mothers of sons who need a good slap

a lot of lazy, self-entitled fuckers out there... and many, many jumped-up little "princes"

I can see why women might marry them by mistake

but I really can't understand why they stay with them Confused

Kitsilano · 23/02/2011 18:28

Because women let them

Chil1234 · 23/02/2011 18:28

This has nothing to do with housework and everything to do with bullying. Bullies specialise in finding partners who are a little vulnerable to start with and who they can grind down over the years - chipping away at any confidence they once had - until finally they give up completely and think they don't deserve any better...

Next time you speak to her, offer a safe haven for her and her kids. She thinks there is no way out... give her some hope

porpoisefull · 23/02/2011 18:29

Your poor friend. She should get some proper advice though to challenge him about what he says about custody - maybe Citizen's Advice would be a good place to start? Because if she's doing all the childcare now, why on earth would a court award custody to him?

Arion · 23/02/2011 18:29

Really don't know, I'm often gobsmacked at some of the posts on AIBU that some women have to ask if their partner's behaviour is unreasonable. It is shocking some of the things that go on and the lack of basic respect some women have to deal with.

worraliberty · 23/02/2011 18:29

Just read the amount of Mums on here that don't expect their sons to do anything for themselves and you'll understand why.

Having said that, no-one can wipe their feet over you unless you lie down and allow them to do it.

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 18:33

On a practical level, has your friend considered that if he does fuck all with his kids now, he isnt going to want custody and full time care on his own? It is a threat that he has no intention of carrying out so she can safely discount it.

But to answer your OP, because in this type of relationship there are 2 kinds of women. Either the ones who let their OHs get away with it and do nothing to change the status quo, but moan about it all the time. Or there are the bullied women who have found themselves in a situation where they have to do it all because they are living with a selfish bullying arsehole.

shewasashowgirl · 23/02/2011 18:48

YABU

Because the womans place is to not only do all the child care and housework but also to work full time too Wink

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 18:51

shewasashowgirl

you forgot waking him with a full cooked breakfast every day and blow jobs on demand!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/02/2011 18:59

Well, I was coming on to say that in many cases it's because they get told they aren't doing it right or get huffed at or are told to leave it and generally treated as though they aren't capable.

However, in your friend's case, I'd say her husband is an abusive fuckwit and if she stays with him, she's a fool. She needs to get out.

If he's so bone idle that he refuses to do fuck all round the house or with the kids, then he's not going to actually want custody or anything. However, being an abusive fuckwit, he may well do whatever he can to make her life miserable. So fighting her over the kids would really get him off.

The way to deal with that is to pretend that shared custody is fine with her. If he thinks that she WANTS him to have the kids, he won't want to have them.

BarbarianMum · 23/02/2011 19:01

I agree. Mum mum moans about the lack of housework my dad does but has brought up my brother to do sweet fa.

It always amazes me how many people on this site defend the extremes of teenage selfishness, thoughtlessness and laziness by saying 'well what else can you expect/they are barely more than babies etc etc'

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 19:02

As always Hecate, you said what I meant but put it much better!

You are so right, with wankers like that they only want something because either someone says they cant have it, or because they know you want it. The second you say "OK, have it, I dont care" suddenly they dont want it anymore!

I am sitting in a house that is now mine because of exactly that!

HecateQueenOfWitches · 23/02/2011 19:07

It's true.

Telling him that he can certainly have custody if he feels it is in the children's best interests would have him refuse point blank.

Especially if she said that it would really help her to recover and to get back on her feet...

Because 'men' like that want you to have a hard and miserable life and will do their best to ensure your continued unhappiness.

Poor woman. I bet her mental health would improve no end if she got him out of her life!

schroeder · 23/02/2011 19:30

Well it is tempting to blame Mothers, but as an imperfect parent myself I am reluctant.

Some men turn out just fine despite their Mothers waiting on them hand and foot. It does put them at a disadvantage though, if they have little experience of cooking and taking care of themselves.

DH was living at home at 25; his Mum did all his washing and cooking and so forth. It almost put me off him, but we did move in together and he learn't how to do stuff (he's currently doing the dishesSmile).

Not that I'm taking the risk with our dc I try and get them to do things for themselves when they are old enough. Just this morning dd (8) said how surprised she was when her friend told her that her Mum made her breakfast for her! Not boiled eggs or porridge; just rice crispiesHmm.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/02/2011 19:30

christ, yes

If I ever split with DH, I would be going down the shared custody route

I need a break too to fuck toyboys

seriously though, the shared custody thing can be a minefield, because some of these poor women don't actually trust these blokes to look after the dc safely/abuse the dc to get back at them Sad

it's not so balck and white, I know that

perfumedlife · 23/02/2011 19:38

I know a girl who has a total layabout drug taking arse of a boyfriend. She was well aware what he was, she paid off the dealers at her door. And yet she went on to have a child with him, even though he has three left behind with two mothers in other countries. She then took the baby to work with her because she said she couldn't trust him to look after it well.

Woman that put up with that deserve what they get. That simple.

Gargula · 23/02/2011 19:43

I am continually irritated by the sheer amount of shit some women seem to put up with.

I have a good friend whose husband does no housework or childcare, never changed a nappy blah blah blah. All she ever does is whinge about him and his demands. I used to have sympathy but as the years have passed I've stopped listening as she doesn't have the nerve to do what she should - tell him to buck up or fuck off.

[Pours another glass of wine and directs husband back to housework]

Bogeyface · 23/02/2011 19:43

I wouldnt say they deserve what they get perfumed, but they certainly cant complain at what they get.

Love sure is blind isnt it?

Eglu · 23/02/2011 19:48

This is why my boys are being brought up to help from a very young age. I will not raise pathetic incapable men.

YOur friends DH however is a waste of space. What does he contribute to her life? She really wouldn't be any worse off as a single parent the way you describe it.

rosie1979 · 23/02/2011 19:51

I think a lot of women are grateful for very little.

Most of my friends have difficult relationships where they work full time but are expected to do all the housework and chores and the guy acts like hes still single.

My dp is not perfect, we argued over cleaning SO much that now we have a cleaner but he is a great dad and more than pulls his weight with dc.

He never tells me I shouldnt hang out in Starbucks or buy clothes or not go out and if he ever did I would tell him to F-Off!

perfumedlife · 23/02/2011 19:54

I'm harsh Bogeyface, I do think they deserve it Grin You get what you put up with then.

PeterAndreForPM · 23/02/2011 19:55

no, nobody deserves anything

but I do think, even in the most horrendous of situations, there is a choice

many women take a long time to realise that, and sometimes the "choice" is between two very shit scenarios

for many and varied reasons, and I get that it can be hard to leave

it doesn't stop me being very sad about it though

rosie1979 · 23/02/2011 19:57

And Gargula, I have a friend like that - my sympathy is running out, she will moan for hours about him but when I say she should tell him to f-off she defends him - either put up or shut up! Wink

smugaboo · 23/02/2011 20:00

I do know its tempting to blame women enablers but jesus, it isn't all the woman's fault is it? That's just another way to infantilize men.

schroeder · 23/02/2011 20:11

smugaboo That's what I'm saying; in a scenario where a Man is acting like an idiot we should be crediting him the idiocy-not blaming his wife/mother/girlfriend ffs.Hmm