to wonder why there are so many lazy arse husbands do FUCK ALL childcare and FUCK all around the house??

[superv1xen]

i had to listen to my friend in tears earlier :(

she has got 2 DC under 5 and is also diabetic, suffering from depression and prone to panic attacks. on top of this she has had 2 stillbirths in 5 years and both her kids have sleep issues at night which mean she barely ever gets a good nights sleep. she is unable work for health reasons. she is beyone exhausted, i can see it in her face :(

her husband doesn't work either, for no reason that i can see. he is a DJ for a pirate radio station which is his major hobby and takes up most of his time. he does fuck all round the house, all the childcare, cleaning, cooking etc is left to my friend and he does whatever he pleases, goes swanning out whenever he he feels like it - leaving their DC with her. its like he is a part time dad although he lives with her. he also has 2 older DC from a previous relationship who stay with them at weekends and holidays, and he even leaves the care of them to my friend as well

she has tried to talk him about it but he just kind of shrugs it off. sometimes she has got that upset with him she has threatened to leave and he just says he will take the kids as no judge will give her custody due to her health problems.

i am so sad for her, i didn't know what to say today when she told me about how bad things were. personally i would rather leave than put up with this kind of shit. DH works full time yet still probably does half the housework and childcare. why are there so many men out there that think this kind of behaviour is acceptable?

yes, blame a bloke for the idiocy in the first place

but everyone has a choice as to whether they tolerate it

in many cases though (like I said) that "choice" is not so black and white and even sometimes not a true "choice" at all

Well if we are using MN as the evidence.

Women do the majority of the child care and parenting.
So women must have the most input in their children's upbringing.

So who is influencing men to behave like this? Is it lack of male involvement during childhood?

"why are there so many men out there that think this kind of behaviour is acceptable?"

I have to agree that in some cases its because some women let them.

And this is not blaming women and absolving men of all responsibility, but some wome hang on in there hoping things will change, putting up with all sorts of sht in abusive relationships. No it wont - get out.

OP - YANBU to be concerned about your friend, especially as there are children involved :(

But if the women involved just simply didn't so everything for them then they would have no choice but to get off their arses and look after themselves.

In your friend's case I would be thinking 'what are you for exactly?'

I mean if he is an amazing shag he might be worth keeping, but if not then he is just another kid for her to look after.

I don't get it, I see it all the time on here, why do people throw their lives away like this? Having a man around isn't worth this.

It makes me so angry.

as my mother would say ' more fool them for putting up with it'.

So much is the Mothers of Sons thing. My first DH is a nice bloke - he always has been - but he did fuck all with the DCs or the home. His interests, his career and his needs always always came first. I don't doubt that he loved me or our DCs, but his behaviour was entirely driven by his upbringing - that was what it was like at home when he grew up. My (3) DSs have not/will not grow up thinking the same way.

Supervixen - you must be in bits re your friend. She should talk to a family lawyer for one of those free half hour sessions to get a sense of whether her health would affect custody. I can't imagine it would.

My DH's Mum was a shocker for doing everything for him. When we first got married he ran out of clothes because he was just taking them off and leaving them where they were assuming that I would wash them. I had to give him a tutorial on the washing machine, but the advice my Mum gave me was to never ever do anything for any man that he could do for himself, same for kids.

Our workdload is split differently now as I am at home through the day but hell would freeze over before I picked up after a grown man and you bet your arse he had better do stuff around the place that needs doing. Men are not silly little boys who need looking after, they do this shit because they can.

We were both working full time at the time and I just laughed at him when he asked where his clean clothes were, as if I was gonna know!

She needs to make a decision as to what she wants. He isn't going to change, so she needs to decide whether he is worth putting up with or whether she could lighten her workload by kicking him out. Personally I would go with the kicking him out option.

I also think that women get conditioned by their partners into thinking that women doing everything -work, childcare, housework is normal and that if you can't do it all then you are some sort of failure.

I think some women stay with these useless good-for-nothings because they fear being alone.

I'd rather be alone than be a skivvy for some bloke, but I can see why some women think 'better the devil you know'. They must lack any sense of self worth.

some really interesting responses here.

sadly i don't think my friend would have the balls (as it were) to kick him out, like a lot of women, she would rather stand for shoddy treatment from a man than be alone :(

i spoke to her last night and she said they had "had a chat" and sorted a few things out...hmmm till the next time

re the "mother of sons" thing, very interesting, my exH was mollycoddled all his life by a mother who did EVERYTHING for him, his brother and his dad, he did not lift a finger. and thats what he expected of me. except i didn't stand for it for long :o

and my DS is only 4 now but i am bringing him up to see that household chores etc is not just the woman's work and he already "helps out" by tidying his room every day, putting his clothes in the laundry basket, tidying his plates, cutlery away etc when he has eaten. and i intend to carry on with this! he also sees DH doing things around the house as well so hopefully i will not raise one of these useless men we read about so much on MN.

I'm really not impressed with his response to her suggesting a split - that he shrugs and says he'd take the kids. Not much love lost there then is there? Why does she put up with it - he brings in no money and is no help, and seemingly he couldn't care less about her. She needs to find some self-respect, he is a real user. It sounds like it's much deeper than just him not washing up or whatever. Better to be on your own than put up with that.

BTW I don't have any sons, just daughters, but I hope I'm raising my daughters not to be doormats! Part of that, of course, is not being a doormat myself. I am not the washing fairy, or the cleaning fairy, or the go-to-the-supermarket fairy, yes I do things for my family but so does DH, and so (under duress admittedly ) do the kids.

This is exactly the reason I love my MIL, she brought up a wonderful son (My DH) who not only works full time but does at least 50% of all housework and childcare when he is home if not more as I am a WOHM with 2 DC, one 3yo and one 18mo, so most of my work is done in the evenings.
MY Brother on the other hand is 29 and living next door to my parents as he cannot wont even make himself a piece of toast and wanted his own house and no responsibilities. My parents made him like that, mainly my Mother but my Father was and still is complicit. My brother and I had completely different upbringings.

The reason so many H's are like this is because they know no better and their DW's let them carry on as normal and do nothing pro-active to sort it out. Follow through on any ultimatums, so if the DW's threaten to leave if the H doesn't 'shape-up' then leave.

i bought all 3 of my dcs up to do their share and they also watched me work f time so dh had to help out and did so happily.
My 20 yr old has a baby with his now ex gf,he still sees him often and does his fair share of the childcare etc.The other day ex gf was ill so he stayed there all week to look after him and took him to nursery every day on way to work, i nor him see this as a big deal,but my Mum was saying "he shouldnt be doing that,its too much for him" WTF? i think i was adopted.

because women facilitate this behaviour

description in your op,for as long as she skivvies about being put upon - he will take the piss

for as long as she does everything, her lazy arse dh wont

"his behaviour was entirely driven by his upbringing - that was what it was like at home when he grew up."

I really don't understand people like this. Do they truly believe that everything in their one particular 1970s house was the perfect childhood?

In answer to the OP: some people (not just men) are twats, and will act as badly as they are allowed to get away with.

It isnt just men though, I remember a girl my cousin was at school with causing a bit of a stir at my cousins house when she went for tea once. My aunt brought all of hers up to help (boys and girls) and shouted cousin and friend to help get the meal ready. They were asked to peel potatoes and the friend had no clue how to. She had to be taught by my Aunt how to do it.

She was 16!

My aunt still talks about it now over 20 years later :o