Interested to see whether IABU or not - is this what happens in your family?

[goldenticket]

I have two very good friends who each have 4 children. I and my children love spending time with them (normally separately as they don't really know each other) and we always have a good laugh. However, it's gradually dawned on me as our children get older that both these families have lots of "in" jokes about other people - nicknames etc - and they will laugh about them in a way that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (and mortified that behind closed doors they might be doing the same about us!). I have to say it's not malicious (mostly) but it's very unfamiliar to me as my own family when I was young didn't do this at all.

What do you think? Do you do this with your kids?

More than happy to be told this is quite normal btw!

I'd say that was totally normal caughtinanet. I guess it's all about where your boundaries lie though. To me things like mimicking peoples mannerisms and giving them nicknames you wouldn't use to their faces is over the line.

flyingspaghettimonster I can laugh at myself. And my friends can. But talking behind someone else back is completely different even in private.
My parents critised everything behind everybody's back. But my best friends are hairy or yellow in front of them, they are called by their names in private. IMHO that is respect and private jokes, not the opposite.

caughtinanet - it's not the case that nothing negative is ever said about anyone, just that, in my case, we don't define people we know by their funny mannerisms or sayings.
Talking about funny happenings, even at someone else's expense, is fine - so long as it isn't then a by-word for that person, or brought up to embarrass them at every available opportunity afterwards.

I think the OP's point is that it wasn't just the DC in that family who were mickey-taking, it was the adults too - and that's not acceptable, in my book.

God, yes! Dh and I do this all the time! We also have a snigger about people just out and about.

thumbwitch - I think we may be talking about slightly different things, I'm trying to think of an example of something me and my children might say and failing at the moment but it wouldn't necessarily be something negative. It might be (say) that a friend always wears a red T shirt, just a quirky thing that we would remark upon.

caughtinanet - you might remark on her wearing a red t-shirt, no problem. You might remark on her wearing a red t-shirt all the time, no problem.

But if you say things like "god, has she no other clothes, that red t-shirt thing she has going is ridiculous, it doesn't even suit her, it's really pathetic"; or call her "red t-shirt"; or start taking bets with your friends that she'll be wearing a red t-shirt again and then all snickering when she turns up in one - that's when it crosses the line for me. But probably not for other people.

Thumbwitch has it - I think we've got the same thresholds by the sound of it!

The red t-shirt is a good example - these families would have noticed this (and this would be about a friend, not a random person they didn't know or neighbour they didn't like) and would have laughed about it together in private. This would then be a family "in" joke, so whenever said friend turned up in a red t-shirt, looks would be exchanged, sniggers stifled and laughs would be had in the car on the way home.

Dh and I acknowledge things about our friends/relatives that we wouldn't mention to their faces (eg. X is a cheapskate so we'll end up paying again etc.). But we don't do it in front of the children, nor do the children mention things like that (I don't think they notice). We don't generally do nudge and wink type of stuff as part of a group unless it's about someone we are not on friendly terms with.

I noticed this as a trait I possessed a few years ago, that and dressing up talking about behaviour and pretending that it was so I could work out how I felt about it when actually it was pretty gratuitous, or to put people down. I'm not perfect now but I do try not to talk about people for the sake of passing on juicy titbits, or to make fun of them. It doesn't make me feel great afterwards- bit like the sick feeling after gorging on chocolate. And I don't want my children to do it. From what I've learnt about passive aggressive traits on the thread I started yesterday, some gossip comes into that category. Some is helpful to sort out your views on things. My parents didn't do it naturally, but as a teenager my mum would join in with me - she was desperate to be 'in' with me.

I made friends with a mum in the plaground very like this.. now I keep away coz I know she has slagged off every mum in that playground even her dearest mum friends .. I cottoned on very quickly that she was just nasty and to hide behind "it's only a joke" is pathetic.. Stay well clear.