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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Interested to see whether IABU or not - is this what happens in your family?

85 replies

goldenticket · 23/02/2011 18:21

I have two very good friends who each have 4 children. I and my children love spending time with them (normally separately as they don't really know each other) and we always have a good laugh. However, it's gradually dawned on me as our children get older that both these families have lots of "in" jokes about other people - nicknames etc - and they will laugh about them in a way that makes me feel a bit uncomfortable (and mortified that behind closed doors they might be doing the same about us!). I have to say it's not malicious (mostly) but it's very unfamiliar to me as my own family when I was young didn't do this at all.

What do you think? Do you do this with your kids?

More than happy to be told this is quite normal btw!

OP posts:
eddiemccready · 24/02/2011 08:29

Yanbu. I come from a big family and now have a big family, this is def not the case. I think maybe these families you know, just happen to be like that. In our family we always slagged the life out of each other, but it was always done in a bit of fun.I would never allow amyone to be malicious

FioFio · 24/02/2011 08:35

This reply has been deleted

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ninedragons · 24/02/2011 08:43

This probably doesn't sound true, but there's nothing at all I dislike about any of my friends (I am very fussy in the friend department - I don't have millions but the ones I do are exceptional people).

I wouldn't say anything unkind about a stranger in front of DCs, though, as DD has a bell-like voice that can cut through conversations 20 metres away to drop me in the shit.

fluffles · 24/02/2011 08:44

i just don't actually find taking the piss out of friends behind their back to be very amusing, or entertaining, it doesn't appeal.

i'll sometimes make up fantasies [not that kind!] about semi-strangers - but they're not mean. more like 'that old man was probably a famous footballer in his youth'

Dh and i talk about other people at times but we don't take the piss.

noonar · 24/02/2011 08:46

my MIL does this and it makes me very uncomfortable. why would you slag off your friends??i never bitch/ gossip about friends. but will affectionately joke about them.

dh and i might gossip/ berude about people we dont know so well, so dont feel that we are compromising loyalty in doing so.

but not in front of the children though , ever. i just think it sets a terrible example. dh not so good re this though, for example, if we were watching some trashy x factor thing, he might be quite rude about the contestant in front of the dcs. i get really annoyed with him for doing this, as i think that teaching your children that its ok to ridicule people is a very bad idea.

MoChan · 24/02/2011 09:07

I only laugh at people to their FACES. And even then, I only do it if I think the subject will also find it funny. There's nothing 'fragile flower' about this, it's just respect for people's feelings.

When people don't like being laughed at, it's not necessarily because they have no sense of humour, or take themselves too seriously; it could very well be that every time it happens they question themselves: "does everyone think I'm a complete idiot?".

Sorry, got distracted slightly. Like a PP says, children often can't differentiate between what is affectionate and what is bitchy, so I think it's a careless thing to do. If they want to laugh (even affectionately) at their friends and family, they should save it for their adult-time. YANBU.

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 09:08

It's a fine line between affectionate piss-taking and being bitchy, IMO. And too often the line gets blurred - because of this, and because different people have a different "line", I don't do it. I don't like it - my "line" is set quite low, so it quite quickly becomes mean to me (yes, perhaps I am over-sensitive but perhaps I was just bullied a fair bit at school) and I hate when people do it around me, especially when it's obviously on the mean side.

I tend to do a bit like Catherder does - but I try to put the other side of the story, rather than go Pollyannaesque.

I think it's abhorrent to involve the children - children don't need any more excuse to be nasty to each other, and if they see adults "ok-ing" it, then they think that it's fine. Not good.

MotherofHobbit · 24/02/2011 09:11

No. DH and I don't bitch about friends behind their backs. It makes me very uncomfortable when people do it in front of me.

My mother taught me a nice technique for dealing with nasty comments: deliberately misunderstand, and turn around the remark so it's a compliment.
e.g if making fun of someone's laugh, say something like "Oh yes, isn't it lovely. It's so contagious."

The person making the nasty remark will never fail to look very uncomfortable.

Original poster
goldenticket · 24/02/2011 09:28

It's not really bitching though but it is laughing at the person rather than with them. For example, they don't know that my dd would "see the funny side" because they've never said it to her. But it's been noticed and giggled about in private. Does that make sense? I know they like my dd (or I hope they do...) but she has now been added to their family "jokes". Would love to hear from more families who do this btw!

OP posts:
thenightsky · 24/02/2011 09:35

Rarely I do it. Me and DH do refer to our neighbours as 'Mr and Mrs Door Banger' though, due to their constant banging of doors (house and car).

I would never have mean nicknames I would use in front of children though - there is far too much risk of children blabbing it out at the wrong moment.

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 10:20

goldenticket - it rather depends on your own definition of bitching I think - I would consider it rather bitchy to take the piss out of a young girl's speech pattern/saying and laugh about it behind her back.
(but see my previous post about my own "low level" on this)

PrettyCandles · 24/02/2011 12:55

When I was little we had a very nasty neighbour. If a toy went over the fence she would pick it up, get our attention (often by asking "is this yours?") and then cut it up in front of us with her secateurs. Our parents would not allow us to retaliate in any way, not even by yelling at her: just because she behaved badly was not an excuse for us to do the same. The only way we had of retaliating was the nickname we gave her: we called her The Hairy Lobster. Even our parents called her that! But only only ever in the privacy of our own home.

The Hairy Lobster has been dead for over 20y, and her house sold twice since then, yet it was only when a nice family with young children moved in a couple of years ago, that her ghost was finally laid to rest and we at last refer to that house as "Julie and George's", rather than "the Hairy Lobster's".

thumbwitch · 24/02/2011 13:40

PrettyCandles - you're not kidding, that really IS a very nasty neighbour! Perhaps your parents should have billed her for the replacement toys, what a horrible thing to do!

flyingspaghettimonster · 25/02/2011 01:33

God, I can't imagine not taking the mickey out of people. I thought that was quintessentially British, to be able to laugh at ourselves and pick up on people's quirks and foibles. I do it all the time and have never found it hard to make friends - I would not want to be friends with people that can't laugh at themselves. I have older friends who I wind up about being OAPs or having a senior moment, I have OCD friends, paranoid friends... I wouldn't enjoy their company if they didn't enjoy the teasing and give as good as they get back - in fact, it is probably my biggest test of a friendship, and so long as you know the boundaries, and what would hurt someone, you are fine.

thumbwitch · 25/02/2011 01:46

genuine question for you then, flyingspaghettimonster - how do you KNOW the boundaries of what would hurt someone until you overstep them? And equally, how do you KNOW that your teasing doesn't actually hurt them - they may put a brave face on it but be wincing inside.

allypall · 25/02/2011 01:48

I agree that teasing can be inappropriate around kids - for example my aunty is quite a viciously outspoken woman and my little cousins grew up making rude comments and generally being little shockers.

However, I think it was the lack of instruction - when it is and isn't rude to comment on someone personally - that made them little shockers.

I like having little in-jokes with my family and we all know it's purely descriptive and never to be taken to heart (or said to anyones face - unless they'd laugh too!)

allypall · 25/02/2011 01:54

op I'd add that sharing in-jokes with your family in front of you seems rude - as it's excluding you from the joke and making you uncomfortable. Does she know you don't like it? I'm sure she'd be horrified to think she was upsetting you!

allypall · 25/02/2011 01:55

her family, sorry...

lalamom · 25/02/2011 02:42

It's bad form and to be honest no one finds it funny but the people themselves.

I just shows someone has not developed their character properly when they go on like that- crass, unfunny and deeply off putting. I avoid people who do it as much as I can.

iscream · 25/02/2011 06:10

No, we don't mock people or make fun of them.

Morloth · 25/02/2011 06:28

I would only take the piss out of someone if they were there and obviously were very good friends. I would never ever be rude about someone if I wasn't sure how it would be taken.

However, DH and I do bitch about our friends/relatives a lot, but only when we are sure the kids can't hear. But that isn't what you mean I think.

fluffles · 25/02/2011 08:54

spaghettimonster - the difference between teasing and bitching is that teasing is done to somebody's face.. so you can react to their reaction.
bitching is behind somebody's back and you don't know if you're going too far and just the act of talking in a teasing fashion behind somebody's back is a bit mean.

sharon2609 · 26/02/2011 02:01

When on holiday with my parents many years ago we used to give people round the pool nick names...not in a nasty way though and not to their faces or in front of other people...We called one German chap 'whats in the boat' because thats all he ever said.

nooka · 26/02/2011 03:58

I think this fairly puerile "in the gang" type behaviour. I enjoy a bit of banter with my friends, and face to face competitive rudeness can be great fun, but I really do try to not say things about people that I couldn't say to them face to face without being ashamed.

caughtinanet · 26/02/2011 16:45

I'm finding it hard to see how so many posters go through life without evet saying anything negative about anyone else.

In my house and others that I visit normal round the meal table conversation with children after school involves recounting funny things that have happened during the day, mostly funnay at the expense of a child/teacher/randon person.

Is this what you all call bitching? To me that's just normal conversation and if you refer back to the funny incident in the future that's family bonding.

The OP says the other family made fun of the way her daughter said something (hope I've got that right), again isn't that only natural for children - they notice differences. Maybe as adults we wouldn't comment out loud but that's what children do.

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