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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to choose brother and SIL over sister and BIL as guardians for our DCs?

27 replies

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:27

We are writing our wills and we need to appoint guardians for our 2 young kids in the (very) off chance that my husband and I die together. Grim I know but that's wills for you...

Now, we'd like to appoint my brother and SIL as first choice and my sister and BIL as second choice. We do have to tell them both but what do I say without upsetting my sister? Considering both family situations, both of us agree that we'd prefer them to be with my brother's family. Individually, I'd probably choose my sister over my brother but you have to look at the whole picture don't you?

OP posts:

PorkChopSter · 23/02/2011 13:29

Difficult. So you don't rate your BIL's parenting skills, then?

Can you ask your brother and not mention it to your sister? I'm a coward when it comes to it

Plumm · 23/02/2011 13:30

We've appointed my sister and husband, but asked them first. DH's sister would have made more sense as we live close to them but we thought DD would be better off with my sister. We just haven;t mentioned it to anyone else (they'll soon find out in the unlikely event that we both die).

MorticiaAddams · 23/02/2011 13:31

You have to choose one family and we chose our based on closeness to the children, stability and location.

We did actually ask them first though, not just tell them!

prettybird · 23/02/2011 13:32

Is there a positive way you could put it to her? eg your borther's house is larger or it would be less of a disruption to him/your kids (at what would be distressing time for them anyway) or his kids are closer in age to yours (if they both have children) or whatever matches the specific circumsntaces.

scurryfunge · 23/02/2011 13:32

When you say you will tell them, do you mean ask them?

One of the parties may be more willing than the other anyway.

diddl · 23/02/2011 13:34

"Considering both family situations,"

What does that mean?

Who do you think would love your children the most & do their utmost for them-isn´t that the only consideration?

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:34

It's not really that, they just do things differently - no vaccinations, homeopathy over medicine, nephew drives me a little crazy, always short of cash (although there would be money in trust for our kids - but how would that sit alongside them having very little money for their own). They're lovely, lovely people - I couldn't bear to hurt them but can't see my kids there. Have to agree with first and second choice guardians so have to mention it somehow, unfortunately...

OP posts:

Squitten · 23/02/2011 13:35

We're just sorting out our wills now and we've actually gone outside the immediate family for the moment. We've chosen my aunt and uncle - we don't want the children to live with any of the ILs as they are rather snobby and we wouldn't trust them to maintain contact with my family. My brother would be the ideal but he's not settled yet and so couldn't provide for them if we died tomorrow. My Dad is in Ireland and my Mum would not be able to provide for them as well as my aunt and uncle.

We just haven't told anyone else. They don't need to know until we die. You might want to make sure that your brother wants the responsibility first!

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:36

Yes, yes, yes - I did mean ask them. They might not want them anyway!

OP posts:

AlaskaHQ · 23/02/2011 13:37

Can you think of some neutral reason to say. In our case, we went for my sister & BIL, because they will definitely always be in the UK, whereas my brother is married to a New Zealand girl, and are intending to move there in 10 years or so. It could possibly be a load of reasons.

Or just play it down, and say that you had to put one first or second choice, and it was a really difficult call.

Just be as polite and sensitive as you can, as I would be a bit hurt.

Other tactful reasons you could give, rather than just naming your BIL as the reason 'no' might be ... tick all that apply:

Where they live - countryside or town (you might have a preference), near other grandparents, etc.
Size of house - is there enough room if needed?
Family structure ... cousins that they get on with, schools that would fit, etc.
Church going or not? (if that matters to you)
Financial considerations

I am the person in our family who married the person no-one approved of, and even if I obviously realised he was the reason we weren't named as guardians, I would still prefer there to be another reason given - to sort of save face all round.

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:40

diddl - both families would love the kids to bits and do their utmost for them. We're a very close family. I guess, I just feel that my brother's family do things more they way we do so would be a more natural fit for the kids...

OP posts:

elena1975 · 23/02/2011 13:43

We've just finished making our wills (with a lovely Mumsnetter - www.marlowwills.co.uk - I'm recommending her to everyone!

What we did was appoint my brother and his wife as Guardians but stipulated that they will do everything possible to keep up contact with dp's side of the family, both directly and indirectly, so visits, but also photos, cards, emails etc.

Marlow Wills also put in a clause for the Guardians to be funded from the trust fund for out of pocket expenses so long as the trustees agree.

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:46

Thanks Alaska though I do need to say, for the record, that it's not because of my BIL! It's more of a gut feeling where the kids would fit. I do need to have reasons prepared so thanks for the suggestions. I would be upset if the shoe was on the other foot.

OP posts:

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 23/02/2011 13:47

We've appointed my younger brother and his DF as guardians in our will.

My other brother doesn't know, and is I think assuming it would be him because he is actually DS' godfather, but there is no way on this earth that I'm going to have my kids brought up by his wife, so there we are!

It comes down to having a matching value system really, and ours are very similar to younger DB and his DF. Older DB and SIL are much more materialistic, less interested in maintaining wider family relationships and I would honestly worry about how much effort they would make for DCs to see cousins, other aunts and uncles etc, and they certainly wouldn't be arsed to ensure that DH's family were involved at all.

It is a big decision, but you have to do what you feel is right for your children and not be swayed by any kind of family expectation or politics or whatever.

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:49

Yes, we were thinking of making both my brother and sister trustees (DH has no siblings) so they both have a say in the children's upbringing. We could also stipulate that DH's parents stay involved with the kids.

God, it's gloomy, isn't it? I know it's all hypothetical but will be glad when it's all done so we can get on with being alive!

OP posts:

hogsback · 23/02/2011 13:51

Appoint your brother and SIL but don't tell them. It will be a lovely surprise for them after the funeral, and you won't be in any position to care about your sister and BIL reaction.

MadamDeathstare · 23/02/2011 13:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 13:55

Thanks Madam. And i think you're right - keep it simple. No pets, fortunately, but good point about the cats..

OP posts:

diddl · 23/02/2011 13:55

"I guess, I just feel that my brother's family do things more they way we do so would be a more natural fit for the kids..."

Well then I would say that that is perfectly valid.

My sister doesn´t live the way we do.
Also, the children wouldn´t want to live in that country.

But if not her there are only GPs-one to old to cope & the others in a house too small, who would be very reluctant to move & don´t have much of a relationship with the children.

It´s a nightmare tbh.

Is considering friends appropriate?

diddl · 23/02/2011 13:56

"Is considering friends appropriate?"

Sorry, meant that in regards to myself

whatdoiknowanyway · 23/02/2011 13:57

Past history now as mine are adult but we chose my single sister rather than DH's married sister or my married brother. Reason being we thought she had more of the same approach as us to child rearing and family life. Younger sister was just too young in those days but as we both got older and she had her own kids we promised each other that even though our older sister was the nominated guardian in each case we would play an active involved role in DC's lives if anything happened to either set of parents.

OP's sister's attitude to vaccination and medicine would be decision maker for me. I would respect her right to make those decisions for her own kids but would want to be sure my child's guardian would make the same kind of decision as I would.

I didn't ask my much loved brother to be a godfather to my DC as I didn't want him to think he had any say in how I brought up my kids -and he would have done!

MadamDeathstare · 23/02/2011 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 23/02/2011 14:04

"OP's sister's attitude to vaccination and medicine would be decision maker for me."

I agree with that also.

Original poster

Annabel7 · 23/02/2011 14:06

I definitely want them with family. We have lovely friends but they're all pretty maxed out with young kids of their own or single and wouln't be able to (or probably want to) take it on. At the end of the day, you've got to just go with what feels right don't you?

OP posts:

kreecherlivesupstairs · 23/02/2011 14:06

We chose my sister and Bil for our DD. DHs sister got really sniffy about it, but our reasons were valid.
My DS has eight children so she wouldn't notice another.
My DS is able to care for herself and her family, she doesn't rely heavily on FiL.
My DS doesn't put her cat before anything else.
SiL still complains 9 years later.

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