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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

almost too pathetic to live and I need help

43 replies

MitchiestInge · 22/02/2011 23:27

someone should shoot me really, but how can I learn to be more like a normal person and less like someone who has a compulsion to be nice to people they don't even like and who lacks the capacity to say 'er no I don't want to go out with you' and instead says 'great! What time?' ?

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 23:30

It must be because you care about what the other person thinks/feels, or you'd just give them the brush off?

But then, there are nice ways of telling someone to fuck off Smile

DerangedSibyl · 22/02/2011 23:31

You need to spend some time thinking about what you really want.

I used to be like you - I would agree to anything if I thought it would make people like me.

It caused problems.

So I learned to say no nicely.

Simply saying "No thank you" can relieve you of any inner obligation.

If you don't like someone, or you don't want to do something, it's for a reason.

mmsmum · 22/02/2011 23:32

You are not pathetic. You do deserve to live. You are normal.

Now that that's sorted

You are just too nice! If you can't pluck up the courage to say no in person so it by text or e-mail instead. Prepare 'excuses' in advance as to why you can't go or be a total pain while you're out so that they never ask you again.

And remember, you are not pathetic, you do deserve to live and you are normal. Repeat after me 'my name is mitchiestinge and no-one is better than me'

And I just 'got' your username Shock lol

Rhinestone · 22/02/2011 23:33

Sorry you're feeling this way. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to?

It's difficult to be honest with people sometimes isn't it - you might not want to do something but don't want to hurt that person's feelings! This happens to me sometimes but you sound more upset about it. I just see it as an occasionally annoying part of life!

No-one is too pathetic to live though. You're just a nice person. Smile

I'm a bit worried about you. If you need to talk to someone the Samaritans would take you seriously. The number is 08457 90 90 90

HecateQueenOfWitches · 22/02/2011 23:35

Fear?

Fear of not being liked, fear of being seen as mean, fear of someone being angry with you?

If that's what's making you afraid of standing up for what you want, you have to work to lose the fear. People do like and respect strong people who can say no. so it's not like you'd lose everyone in your life.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 22/02/2011 23:42

thanks, sorry shouldn't have made it sound quite so life and death although I do annoy myself almost to a sort of life and death extent sometimes

it's not that I'm 'nice', I just don't know how to say 'no, go away' nicely or otherwise, and I would only need to say it nicely (I think, don't know though, doesn't always work does it?)

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Rhinestone · 22/02/2011 23:49

OK, phew! You did have me worried!

If you LIKE the person, just try smiling and saying, "Look, that's just really not my thing to be honest and I don't want to fork out X amount on something I'm not going to enjoy."

If you don't like the person then just say, "Sorry, I've already got plans that night." Then don't respond to further contact.

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 22/02/2011 23:56

I like the person in a chatting to in a group of other people way, or I thought I did (eg aibu to interact socially with a racist thread recently) and I'd thought about dating him before, but despite feeling more uncomfortable than comfortable with him I am absolutely rubbish at getting any sort of distance back - can't stop agreeing to things and apart from being unfair to him am causing self lots of anxiety :(

OP posts:
Original poster
MitchiestInge · 22/02/2011 23:57

sorry for worrying you by the way, I didn't think

OP posts:
FabbyChic · 23/02/2011 00:01

Thought you was in dire need of some uplift there.

You could always feign an excuse?

beatenbyayellowteacup · 23/02/2011 00:02

Do you feel like you need to please people to have them like you? That they won't like you if you have different needs/ideas/wants from them?

If you really are pestered by this - if it has been going on for a long long time - I'd suggest going to see a counsellor to try and understand why you feel like that. You are negating your own needs and desires, probably on quite a deep level.

Otherwise you could just practice flexing your muscles a little bit here and there and see what the reaction is. You'll be surprised when people generally don't bat an eyelid.

If they do, of course, they're probably being unreasonable Smile

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 23/02/2011 00:05

Is he asking you on a bunch of individual occasions? Like what? If you tell us the latest invitation, we can come up with ways to reply to it.

Rhinestone · 23/02/2011 00:07

OK, rent yourself the following DVDs -

Aliens
Thelma and Louise
Terminator 2

Then the next time he asks you to do something, imagine what Ripley / Louise / Sarah Connor would say!

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 00:13

it's not very formal, often he just magically appears in a helpful way (eg when have run out of petrol or about the time I do my horses) and does a helpful thing, then sort of end up having lunch - he showed up at my house today (did call first) and I was rubbish at asking him to leave, as in, instead of asking him to leave I offered another cup of tea.

I just want to say 'don't want to see you anymore' but am incapable. There is something wrong with me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 00:43

maybe when I wake up in the morning I will have magically grown a spine

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allypall · 23/02/2011 00:57

...and this guy can't tell that you're just being polite? Sounds like he could be a smarmy git...

Learn to say "I can't be arsed, sorry". Everyone gets busy sometimes, and "can't be arsed" is a definitive, but utterly vague excuse - doesn't lead to a big conversation - where you have to make up lies!

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 01:05

excuses might work, ideally wouldn't need them and could just be straightforward and honest but then ideally I wouldn't have this pathological need for approval either

ugh, miserable

OP posts:
Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 01:07

anyway this is aibu, why are you all being nice when have posted in masochistic hopes of a kicking?

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allypall · 23/02/2011 01:09

HAH! lol, if you want a kicking, I'm sure someone will pitch in soon!

I find being to lazy to have fun oddly liberating tbh. I do have a pathological need for approval, but I cover that with baking cakes and smiling at strangers. I draw the line at socialising Grin

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 01:12

making cakes much more effort than socialising, surely!

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kittya · 23/02/2011 01:13

I wouldn't agree to do something if you really don't want to. Are you talking about with friends of yours or, with people you dont actually like? If it's friends you should be honest as they will stop asking you! If it's someone you have no time for then a polite "no" should suffice

allypall · 23/02/2011 01:35

I think I just like baking cakes...

tbh, and not tryna be rude, but is this more about getting approval from a prospective date than getting approval generally?

I'm getting the impression that you don't want to let an opportunity for romance, however shit, pass you by.

In which case think about the opportunity to hone your dating skills and turn the situation to your advantage - learning to say 'no' and get disapproval from someone you aren't actually interested in!

btw, is he really pathetic? Are you worried about upsetting him?

Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 08:23

yes, more date thing than general thing - has been ages since have done dating, thought it was a good idea but must have forgotten how terrible I am at it

yes worried about upsetting him even though this is irrational and he will probably shrug it off rather than get angry or pushy

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Original poster
MitchiestInge · 23/02/2011 09:05

it would be beyond cowardly to get a mutual friend to talk to him?

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renegadesoundwave · 23/02/2011 09:30

Didn't want to read and run! You're absolutely right, he will shrug it off - if you tell him directly 'it's been nice, but it isn't working for me and it's best if we call it a day', then it'll be over with. If you get a mutual friend to talk to him it's more likely he'll want to see you for an explanation and you'll be back where you were.

Tell him directly and arrange to go for ice cream with a friend straight afterwards (which also gives you a time limit on your conversation with him...) - it worked for me and I really wouldn't have said boo to a goose at the time..

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