almost too pathetic to live and I need help

[MitchiestInge]

someone should shoot me really, but how can I learn to be more like a normal person and less like someone who has a compulsion to be nice to people they don't even like and who lacks the capacity to say 'er no I don't want to go out with you' and instead says 'great! What time?' ?

it would be overreacting to get someone else to talk to him - just suck it up and say no, or go along to the dates just to desensitise yourself! So says I!

I did it MYSELF (although not before talking about it to almost absolutely everyone I know) it was a bit squirmy but I did it. Medal. :)

ugh now can this thread be deleted?

well done! I too used to be like that - couldn't tell blokes that liked me that i didn't like them, just had to avoid them until it was blatantly obvious. Now I'm married and think I should've just had more fun!

hard to have fun with someone you don't actually like though - especially when you know they voted BNP and carry a KNIFE

eww he sounds awful. Props to you btw, good work!

:) thanks, pleased with self

YOU need to learn about penguins

Is it really a question of wanting them to like you, or more of not wanting to cause upset?

But I do have a problem with that. Most of the time I genuinely want to do whatever it is, but there are time when I don't or can't. I am learning to be firmer though.

obviously it is always a nice surprise and flattering to be liked but think most of the gut churning is fear of causing some sort of Scene

do you mean the Shiney penguin date thing? that was hilarious

ugh am so RUBBISH

nah you're not pathetic, you did it! [pat on the back] emoticon...

but seem to be back to square one? Want to launch Project Spinefulness but don't even know where to start, want to disembowel self :(

Mitchiest, do you work? Does your workplace offer an Assertiveness Training thing?

I went on one of these through my work - admittedly, I was the only one there trying to tone down my attitude from over aggression to just assertivness - everyone else was far too doormattish nice for their own good. It did them all some good though! (not sure about me but I had other counselling afterwards which did help)

Assertiveness training is one thing, so is getting some self-esteem going. CBT counselling can help; life coaching can help, hypnotherapy can help - or even just reading some of those self-help books can sometimes do the trick (you can get self-hypnosis tapes as well).

Once you believe that you have the right to say No, you will. At the moment, you don't believe you have the right - and you do.

Unfortunately not, could probably access something similar through community education though. Maybe will look for self hypnosis thing on iTunes, thanks, feel profoundly pessimistic though. :(

Mitchiest - if you start off believing that nothing can help you, you probably aren't going to change much. If you allow yourself to believe that there is a chance that something might change, for the better, then that seed of hope is all that is needed for change to start. Please allow yourself that seed of hope!
this should help get you started :)

I used to be a doormat,

when I slip back ther, I remind myself of the phrase,
'if you don't respect your own opinion no-one else will'

like a mantra lol

Mitchiest...take heart, take courage! I don't even manage to attract twunts who carry knives and belong to the BNP - more Joking apart, you said that you have horses and I presume you ride them?? You are in charge when riding a horse, you are in control so it is not that you can't do it. People are different - sometimes it's a question of taking charge of a situation (if it's an emergency, if you have the most knowledge at the time etc), sometimes of deferring to someone else or sometimes the situation is more equal when, say, having a chat or having a laugh with a friend. Try the assertiveness classes! I find the level difficult too (can have tendency to dominate in appropriately but am working on it and am learning).