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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

mums makes me uncomfortable

27 replies

amiheartless · 22/02/2011 16:59

I feel like a right heartless cow, I've name changed as its a sensitive subject.

the thing is my mum had quite a few bad experiences as a young woman,assault etc.

she told me when I was young teenager once is fair enough But now that door has been opened every time she had a drink, saw something on tv in relation the conversation resumes and even in convo's with no relation,
often very innapropriate, graphic content ..infront of my partner which I have told is innapropriate.
Im in my 20's now and I find myself running upstairs to bed as soon as she cracks open a botlle coz I know where it'll end, turning over TV channels, changing subject. She has a therapist (her line of work insists on it)
And comments like
'I was very attractive so you'll not know what I went through Hmm'
I'd like her to reign it in a bit,,
I think it was selfish of her to burden a young teen with stuff she knew I had nowhere to go with whilst she had a therapist to go off to, and that she doesnt recognise I am her daughter! its an innapropriate dialogue, and worried she'll do this to DC as they get older.

Sorry its been really long first time ive spoken to anybody about this, what I wann know is am I heartless? how do I tell her what I need to without appearing a nasty cow? and how to deal with the aftermath Sad
be getle plase flamers

OP posts:
FreudianSlippery · 22/02/2011 17:10

Argh. Total sympathies. My mum can do that sometimes. FFS you shouldn't use your own child as a counsellor!

Not got any advice though... I just avoid...

saffy85 · 22/02/2011 17:13

YANBU

As someone who spent their entire childhood playing therapist to my own mother I know how you feel. I still have to listen to it and now I'm an adult myself I wouldn't mind so much but we've been covering the same "issues" since before I started school and nothing I say seems to get her to move on with her life.

My DP says I should charging her an hourly rate to rant and tbh, he has a point. I don't mind being a shoulder to cry on but I've been listening to this same stuff for 20 years. Also I've had same or similar issues to her in that time and battled to break the cycle to stop my DD going through all this too, by trying to move on with my life so I get very frustrated with my mum for being unable to do the same or aleast try to.

Rant away OP like I said I totally understand.

OliveMalay · 22/02/2011 17:13

YANBU. Tell her you care about her but you are not in a position to take on her problems.

HelensMelons · 22/02/2011 17:21

Yanbu, you're mum has a problem with boundaries and what she has discussed with you is inappropriate. She treated you like a peer, not mother/daughter. You are right to be concerned about this, you are also right in trying to boundary her behaviour and you are also right to be worried that she may be inappropriate with your dc's. You are not heartless and your mum is not your responsibility. Perhaps you need a bit of space to work out what to say to her that won't cause a drama and how to manage it in the longer term.

Original poster
amiheartless · 22/02/2011 17:34

thankyou guys i expecting a flaming, my mum would he devastated if she knew I felt this way,

I live in so its hard gettin space, im in process of looking

OP posts:
Original poster
amiheartless · 22/02/2011 17:35

be I was
god I cant spell

OP posts:
HelensMelons · 22/02/2011 17:50

maybe go and see your own therapist, that might give you space to talk through how you feel and work out a way of managing it that doesn't seem so overwhelming - check the bacp website for someone near you.

Original poster
amiheartless · 22/02/2011 20:53

whats BACP melons?

OP posts:
Teenybitsad · 22/02/2011 21:00

Do you live with her? I think it's time you stopped sitting with her when she is drinking....watching TV together is one thing but if she's drinking and tht opens up te channel...then you may need to change your routine..how you spend time together.

Maybe go ou for coffees if you dont live together...if you do live tgether then perhaps it's time to move out?

Original poster
amiheartless · 22/02/2011 21:11

Yeah I'm looking at the mo, to move out

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 21:39

Someone I know does this a fair bit, and it's only when they've had far too much to drink.

I end up having the same conversations over and over again, it does get a bit wearing.

But the difference with me is that the thing this person is talking about is something I can handle.

It's not graphic or upsetting, and I can imagine if it was I would do everything I can to avoid it happening.

I know they're doing it because it's something they can't get their head around, so when they're talking about it they're trying to find some way of living with what's happened to them.

I think moving out will help loads, unless she's planning on coming round to do more of the same?

If you don't want that you'll have to move further away if you don't feel able to tell her to stop talking about it to you.

littlebylittle · 22/02/2011 22:18

Yanbu. My mum has all sorts of terrible things to deal with, which I can help her with and mess up my own head, or leave then to her husband, friends and professionals. Children of people with problems have enough to do in finding their own place in the world. They are not the right people to deal with their parents' problems. I'm sorry you're being treated this way, and sorry for your mum. But the sympathy for your mum does not make it your responsibility to heal her. I wish someone had told me this sooner.

littlebylittle · 22/02/2011 22:20

Fwiw, I can spend a half daybwith my mum every few weeks if dh is there. And that is with no discussion of personal issues. Any more and I become a bit unsettled.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 22:30

With the person I know, I think they have to get raging drunk to be able to talk, but because they've had so much they don't remember it as such the next day.

Either that or they're not bothered repeating themselves because what they're talking about has messed their head up so much it's just a release for them.

It's not the best way to offload.

What's your mum like when she's sober?

scottishmummy · 22/02/2011 22:41

feel for you both
you as recipient
your mum as she is still hurt and inappropriately disclosing- obviously she feels uncontained and unboundaried

contact her worker,let her know you are doing this,share what you wrote here,its impact upon you

you need to prioritise yourself too,thats self protection

best wishes in a v difficult situation

Original poster
amiheartless · 22/02/2011 23:20

thankyou everyone I was expecting a much more flaming response, seems some of you havexperienced similar,
*AgentZigzag se does bring it up when sober, but more so when drunk
and like if my partner or me bring up the subject of perves either on tv or in life etc, rattles off

'Oh I used to get groped for england walking down the street, I was an attractive woman, its kind of a benefit you don't get as much attention' embarassing and kida upsetting If im taking the comment the ways it meant to.

I mean yes me being ugly means I can go anywhere with no threat of this stuff anytime , but there is no advantage to being ugly I tell her lol, more abuse etc..anyway I digress
Shes poopin a glass now if is starts I'll use some omments you guys have helped with!!

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 23:42

It's really horrible that she's made you feel ugly Sad

And what's worse, is that the way you write makes it seem as though you believe her.

Being assaulted in the street and being attractive aren't connected, but to squash the two together in order to make your daughter feel shit about herself, isn't good.

What does your DP think about it all?

Original poster
amiheartless · 23/02/2011 00:11

He feels embarassed, is it was my MIL /FIL i'd want the ground to swallow me up so I feel for him I did have a pop when she mentioned some less graphic stuff infront of him, but i said it was bad.

I am pretty ugly tbh, but I get annoyed I won't say anything because I know shes right
she waslike a size 10 whatever, okish looks like freckly pretty.

I have weight issues etc so I can't say 'No I'm not ugly' she'd be incredulous. anyway I digress....

seems ok so far :) no talkies

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 23/02/2011 00:56

amiheartless,you need support annd reassurance too.who can you call upon?this is hard going,you are neither nasty nor ugly.you are over burdened

allypall · 23/02/2011 01:03

good lord, you poor lady - a parent can make you believe anything anything but it doesn't make it true. Having weight issues isn't the same as being ugly - an ugly person is ugly no matter how much weight they lose or put on. Not to be rude ynwim!

poutintrout · 23/02/2011 09:30

Don't take the comment to heart. My mum has also made comments to me over the years inferring hurtful things. The classic one that springs to mind is "Your sister is so good looking but don't worry at least you got the brains". I've realised now that she is actually a very insecure person and sadly has only ever measured her worth in how attractive she thinks men find her.

She too sees me as somebody she can unload onto and when she drinks goes on and on raking up the past (family deaths, my dad leaving etc). She also has this really annoying habit of projecting her emotions onto me making out that I too am still really upset by things from the past. I think that this annoys me the most.

I have to admit that the best way I have learned to deal with this is to be really short with her, say I don't want to discuss these issues because they are in the past and generally getting a bit shitty. Maybe I'm selfish but I've simply had enough.

OTheHugeManatee · 23/02/2011 10:21

I remember after my mum left, my dad cracking open a bottle of whiskey night after night and weeping at us (all in our teens) about how he still loved her, what had he done wrong etc etc (well, apart from spend the previous 25 years mostly drunk, er, nothing).

Having a parent who wants you to parent them leaves lasting marks. Don't know what the solution is, but I feel for you.

Original poster
amiheartless · 23/02/2011 17:26

She didnt sy owt last night, so I hope it stays that way

OP posts:
Original poster
amiheartless · 26/02/2011 12:12

Semi rant

my mum has boarded the innapropriate express and was headed towards awkward station.

Just before my mum was talking about something she'd seen on tv about a certain place she used to live, and was about to broach the topic of GR , 'it happens everywhere as you all know it nearly happened to...'

cut her off by changing the channel and changing the subject, my bf was there so I thought it best, not a direct dialogue but a small victory I've never done that before Confused
off my chest

OP posts:
smokingnuns · 26/02/2011 14:27

Bit concerned that she is a therapist with so many unresolved issues herself tbh. Therapists' training involves personal therapy - or should - and if these issues are still rumbling she shouldn't have got her license.

YANBU - what she is doing is dumping. There's a fine line between dumping and not dumping and, imo, a degree of dumping is ok in a close relationship, but not in your relationship! My sister does this and it drives me nuts, like I'm her comfort teddy, an inanimate object solely there for her - but she's my sister and, although it is tiresome (like you, I've said the same thing for endless years and she isn't listening - in fact I tried saying nothing at all and she didn't notice), she is not my mother. I also wonder if there's a drink issue mixed in there somewhere (which would make sense - self-medicating to avoid the pain of her past). It's not your job to parent your mother and as someone has said, it is very damaging for you. I'm not, nor are you, being heartless, she has obviously been damaged but it isn't appropriate to spill the details to one and all. It indicates that her boundaries were smashed and she has lost awareness of them, either in or out.

I would get your own therapist OP to work through this and to also get some support to set some strong boundaries with her. If she can't dump on you, the pressure will become intolerable and, in an ideal world, she will address her problems through the appropriate channels. It could mean though that the drinking will increase Sad - but that is not your problem! I know that's easy to say, very difficult to pull off, but eg Al Anon may be a help, if anything to understand the issues around loving someone who is not facing their stuff and it is coming out in inappropriate ways. Good luck, you're not alone in this.