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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To 'pretend' to forget my purse?

52 replies

mogandthebaby · 22/02/2011 11:55

Every Thursday I meet up with a group of mums and toddlers.

It gets me out of the house and DD loves playing with the other kids.

I've never missed it and really look forward to it, it's probably the best hour of my week.

Cut to this weekend, the car broke down and had to get it fixed, which cost a fortune, and now I have no money till Tuesday! I mean, absolutely none, I couldn't possibly even get £10 out of the cash machine.

These other mums seem to have no money worries... And I am absolutely embarrassed and mortified and really don't want to tell them I don't even have the money for a coffee, a juice for DD and £4.50 entry...

I'm thinking about 'forgetting' my purse at the door and just paying someone back next week.

AIBU to do this? I've never done it before. But I really can't tell them I've got no money... I think it would completely change our friendship.

OP posts:

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 11:58

YABU. if you can't afford something yo don't buy it. i would rather my friend was honest with me and said, "do you mind getting the coffee today and i will pay you back next week?" than lie. it will be obvious you are lying aswell. unless you are a well practised liar.

PrincessStarla · 22/02/2011 11:59

You shouldn't be 'mortified', you just don't have the money. There's no shame in that! I've been in your position loads of times (haven't been to my baby group for 2 months now because I can't afford the SEVEN pounds it costs for two kids) and I just say I don't have the money. If they make a judgement about you based on that then their not really worth being friends with.

PrincessStarla · 22/02/2011 11:59

*they're

cheesesarnie · 22/02/2011 12:00

yabu,if you cant afford it just say you cant and dont go.theyll respect you more for that than sponging and lying.

Bramshott · 22/02/2011 12:01

YABU - sorry. You need to ask to borrow £10 from one of them. Just say "I don't have any money just now, can I borrow £10 and pay you back next week?" No need to be specific about whether you actually don't have £10, or if you just haven't been able to get to the bank.

AgentZigzag · 22/02/2011 12:02

If your looking to just borrow the cash and not sponge the cash, I don't think it's that bad to ask.

If they know you, they'll know pay your way normally.

But I would try and borrow the cash elsewhere before you put them on the spot, and you're making assumptions about these peoples finances, lending you a tenner might leave them short.

But then they shouldn't lend you it if they haven't got it themselves.

Are you prepared for your DD to be disappointed if nobody has any spare to lend you?

gramercy · 22/02/2011 12:03

Just miss it this week.

Frankly the "forgetting purse" thing when it's been done to me is at best, quite irritating, and at worst, makes you dump the friend.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 12:04

Why would it change the friendship?

SmashingNarcissistsMirrors · 22/02/2011 12:05

YABU. you need to ask them, preferably by calling before the event, if you can borrow the money.

for all you know they might not be as flush as you think and will feel pressured into lending money they can't really afford if you put them on the spot at the time.

if doing this will really have a negative impact on the friendship it's not a real friendship anyway.

Bogeyface · 22/02/2011 12:06

meant to add, just dont go this week and accept that as you have spent your money elsewhere, you cant afford it.

I dont want to sound harsh but why should your friends have to pay for you to do something you want to do because you have spent your money?! OK so it was on something essential but still....

And for all you know, they may budget carefully to pay for these outings, so what looks like no money worries might not be that simple.

Bathsheba · 22/02/2011 12:06

Nope...if you have no money to go but don't want to let them know you have no money then you fake an illness...

Conjunctivitus is a good one - really contagious so its a great excuse to stay away, but remedies are available over the counter (no having to make up drs appointments) and clears up really quickly...

Nagoo · 22/02/2011 12:07

yabu, you should ask one of them to sub you.

why will it change dynamic? think you might be worrying too much.

Changing2011 · 22/02/2011 12:07

Dont go! I have a friend who does this and it really annoys me.

Original poster

mogandthebaby · 22/02/2011 12:08

I know, you're right.

I'm just so annoyed. I budget so carefully and I HATE the stupid car!!
I just didn't want DD to miss it.

Maybe 'change' the friendship is a bit strong... We just don't talk about money or anything like that, it's purely a 'baby' friendship, IYKWIM.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 22/02/2011 12:09

Look if your my mate I would want you to ring me and let me know the score then I will buy your coffee and juice and then next week give me the money or get me a coffee and my dc a juice, but actually don't worry about it.

I woudln't want you not to come due to lack of funds

TheProvincialLady · 22/02/2011 12:10

You have no money this week so don't go. You have to live an entire week with no money - if you have to borrow money, make it for essentials like food. £10 is a very expensive hour when you have no money at all.

OTOH if these are your real friends, you could tell them in advance that you can't afford to go this week due to the car etc and one or all of them may offer to chip in for you if they cn afford it. If they judge you for being less well off than them then they are not friends.

FWIW I am very much the poor relation in my group of friends but no one looks down on me for it.

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:11

is tehre one friend of teh group taht you would feel most comfortable asking for a sub and think she can aford it?

ginnny · 22/02/2011 12:12

Nice friends you've got there OP.
Just be honest, say you can't afford it this week and one of them might offer to lend you the money.
If not then just miss a week.
Lying is lying imo and real friends shouldn't have to lie to each other.

BooyFuckingHoo · 22/02/2011 12:13

have also just had a text from a friend saying that a group are going to cinema and can i come. no can do I'm afriad and i was honest and just said i am skint. friend offered to pay but i said no because i am pretty much always skint at the minute so it would be a long tiem before i could pay it back.

pigletmania · 22/02/2011 12:13

Yabu this is not a nice thing to do. Why mot invite some friends round to you for coffee. Is there a surestart near you can go to instead. It sounds very expensive, we used to pay 1.50 at our toddler group fir tea n biscuits and juice for the kids.

expatinscotland · 22/02/2011 12:15

What's wrong with telling the truth - large unexpected car repair bill, no money, see ya next week?

gramercy · 22/02/2011 12:15

Personally I wouldn't ask for money if you don't know these people that well.

It's slightly different if it is a long-standing friend, but even then I don't think it would go down brilliantly.

I would never think less of someone for having less money than I have (and I don't have that much!) but my opinion of them would certainly go down if they asked me for money.

MyMamaToldMe · 22/02/2011 12:15

I say don't go. Why not instead go to the park with your DD - that's free and still get's you out the house.

starfishmummy · 22/02/2011 12:17

I think I'd just miss it. Your daughter is young - so if you just do something ewlse with her for that hour (walk in the park; something nice at home) she probably won't even notice as long as you don't mention it to her!

And you know, you say these other Mums don't seem to have money worries - they may just be keeping quiet - so turning up and asking them to "help you out" could put them on the spot.

Vallhala · 22/02/2011 12:18

YABU. That's deceitful. Sorry, but I was brought up with the simple logic of "If you don't have the money, you don't go - it won't kill you."

I wouldn't dream of asking to borrow money just to attend a social event and nor would I accept the offer of a loan/gift of the cost of the event when I explained that I couldn't go that week.

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